Big Decisions Ahead

The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me. There has been questions raised about whether or not my husband is going to be graduating the program he is in next month. This very issue causes huge anxiety in me which of course also produces huge amounts of guilt. Finally, late this week I just called his counselor in the program to start asking some questions.

Previously, the only communication I get from the program is from my husband. We have had 2 marriage/transition planning sessions on the phone, but otherwise nothing. So, thanks to the encouragement of a dear friend, I finally just called and left a message for his counselor to call me back. She returned my call late Thursday and really did not have many answers for me. We spoke for about 30 minutes and ended with her promising to consult with other staff members and the director to get me some solid answers.

So, the big questions/decisions I am facing in the process of transitioning my husband home? Many of you, I'm sure will not understand my hesitation. That's ok, but I have serious reservations about him returning home. I'm not convinced he is ready yet for one. For two, we have had some SERIOUS safety concerns and episodes come up that could have ended very tragically. The last of these happened the night before he went to this current program. So, I am left with that memory for the last memory before he left. Did it give me PTSD, probably. Has he stopped having these dissociative episodes, No. As a matter of fact, they have increased in frequency once again. He has also started sleeping a lot and withdrawing again. None of this is helping me be confident in him returning to our family.

His counselor was able to assure me that this is his way of reacting to anxiety. She went on to tell me that it doesn't surprise her he is feeling more anxious with the trauma class he is in and the idea of transitioning home. Of course, none of this is reassuring me that it is safe for him to come home again. She also made the comment that she's not sure how much time he actually spends in his body. Now, that one really made me confident.

So, what I am faced with maybe deciding is whether or not he is able to move back home and live with us as a family, or if we are going to have to find some type of long term residential care for him. I did not bring this up with his counselor, she did. I mentioned my concerns with safety and told her the things that had happened to make me question that. No matter what I decide, someone very well may get hurt. If I decide that he has to go live somewhere else, then it hurts him. What kind of life would that be for a 42 year old man, who does have his good days? On the flip side, what if I decide he is okay to move home and then something tragic does happen? It is my responsibility to keep us all safe.

Then how will these decisions affect me and the boys? If he comes home but isn't safe, well, I won't even go there. If he goes to live in some type of institution, what kind of life is that for any of us? The boys will completely lose their father, and I will physically lose my husband, but then again not really. It is just really a bad situation all the way around.

I have had so much pressure taken off of my shoulders since he has been in treatment in California. It has been a much needed break. However, I would love nothing more than for him to be able to come home and participate in life again. For him to be able to experience some peace and happiness in our own house. For him to be able to be a husband and dad. He has already sacrificed so much, it would be nice to have him home and at peace.

I really debated about sharing all of this on here. Then I thought about how much it helps me to write. I also thought about the fact that surely I am not the only one facing these tough decisions. Although, I do not personally know anyone facing these same things, but I can't be the only one. Also, I figure we can use all the prayers we can get!! If you pray, please keep us on your list! So, there it is. What is really going on in the life of this invisibly wounded family.

Even Now......Gina