Ranting

I am all fired up this morning and I'm not even sure why. I think I am on the verge of tears and have been brewing since I got up. So, I am taking the time to write. That is what seems to help me the most so I will apologize now for the rants and if it doesn't flow well or make any sense. At least you will know that it helped me!!

First of all, Allen had a couple of bad nights recently. He has been at the Pathway Home now for 7 weeks. The first 5 weeks were unbelievable. I saw so much improvement in him just through talking to him on the phone. Maybe it gave me a false sense of hope. Not that I'm not hopeful, but it seemed so perfect those first few weeks and now, not so much. The first imperfect week he was really moody. Every conversation we had started out with, "Today is not a good day". By Saturday, the 6th day in a row of hearing that, I sort of lost it. I was to the point that I did not even want to talk to him. Then I felt like the bad guy. What is wrong with me? I did not even want to talk to my husband whom I hadn't seen in a month. But man, sometimes you have to bend down, pick yourself up, let things go, and decide, "Today is going to be a good day!" I had a good conversation with Allen, and said about those exact things to him on Saturday. Our talk went well and I think it did really help. The next week was better, but not as good as those first 5 weeks. Then this weekend came and he had a trip to the ER by ambulance and then crazy phone calls to me. The ER trip ended up fine, they think he may be having seizures again. Not a great thing, but not life threatening either. The phone calls though, they have me a little more worried.

Saturday night, the boys and I were at a Halloween party and Allen knew that's what we were doing. Usually, he handles us doing stuff really well. He wants us to be happy and not worry about him. I talked to him right before the party and he asked me to call him when I got home. No problem! However, that is not how our evening went down. The first part of it was great. Then, the texting started. It wasn't anything, just chatting really. Then the voicemails because I didn't have much of a signal where we were. This is so not like him. He was almost clingy. I guess that is the best way I can describe it. So, I finally got home and called him. He was fine, not really sure what he even really wanted. I am thinking maybe he's just homesick. We chatted a bit and then said goodnight and went to bed. Well, when I go to bed, I shut off my cell phone. When I woke up Sunday morning and turned my phone back on, I had a voicemail. That was a little odd since I didn't shut my phone off until like midnight and was turning it back on before 8 am. It was a nurse at The Pathway Home telling me about the ER trip. I called and it was over and fine, so no problem.

Sunday, the multiple phone calls from Allen and texts as well start again. Since he's been gone we usually talk once or twice a day but that is about it. He is not a big texter so this is kind of weird. I didn't think too much about it, but I had a funny little feeling. I took Dreyson trick or treating but again, the phone calls. This time, he was beginning to act a little bit confused but not too much. I think only because I know him so well, did I notice. We talked again before I went to bed and he was watching football. I told him I was tired and going to bed and he seemed fine. Once again, I shut off my cell phone and went to bed. A little after 10:30 my house phone rings. It about made my heart stop! It was Allen just wanting to talk again. He apologized for scaring me and we chatted a bit. The longer we chatted though the more confused he became. He started telling me he was playing football instead of just watching it and really thought he was in the game. I asked to talk to one of his nurses and he put her on the phone. She said he had just taken his night meds and they were trying to convince him to go to bed. The meds had just kicked in and he needed sleep. He is on a lot of medications that are sedating, and this isn't too unusual.

The problem is, he is in California and I am in Kansas. I finally was able to go back to sleep, although now I'm getting kind of worried. 11:19 my house phone rings again. It's him again but this time he isn't saying anything. I finally hang up and call the nurse's station to check on him. They say he's fine, he's just fighting sleep and not wanting to just go to bed. I ask her to take his phone from him so I can get some sleep. I do manage to get back to sleep, but I woke up fired up this morning.

It is so hard being a caregiver to a spouse to begin with. I've been doing this for almost 3 years now. So, I am used to being in control and calling all the shots. Even doctor's will ask me what I think they need to do. (I don't really like that much control!) It is good that there is some distance between us so that I can learn to let go of some of that. It is good that he is working on getting better. But, it is so dang hard. I've not been away from him since his injury. I was great when things were going good. But now, this is hard. I just have a feeling something isn't right but I'm not sure what it is. It's not like I can really call them up and say, "Hey, I have a feeling something isn't right with my husband, but I have no idea what or why, can you fix it please?" I really don't think that is going to work. With his confusion this weekend, I don't think I can really mention it to my husband either. It is just really hard being here with him there and not seeing first hand what is going on. I know he's in a good, safe place and I just have to trust and be okay with that.

When I started this post, I had no idea this is where it was going to go. I really thought it was going to go in a totally different direction. I'm really frustrated with the general public not knowing what is going on with our returning troops. I guess that's why writing is good for me, it lets me get out what is really going on. Thanks for being patient with my rant! I have a feeling another one will be coming soon about the above mentioned subject!!

Even Now......Gina