Laughing

“A smile starts on the lips, A grin spreads to the eyes, A chuckle comes from the belly; But a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, Overflows, and bubbles all around.”
Carolyn Birmingham -

There is no better sound in the world than hearing someone you love, let out a deep, full belly laugh.  I don't think there is much more in this world that gives me joy than to hear this type of laughter out of one of my kids or my husband.  It shows their happiness and enjoyment, which in turn, makes me happy.

It's been a really long time since I've heard Allen's true, full, belly laugh.  It's been so long in fact that I think I may have forgotten what it sounded like.  However, the last couple of months, I've been noticing it creeping back in to our lives.  At first, it really caught me off guard.  It sounded almost foreign to my ears.  I listened and relished the sound.

Today we had a neighborhood block picnic at our house.  It was the annual HOA meeting so we volunteered to have it at our house so that everyone could see the house and the kids could enjoy the pool.      It was a beautiful day for it and I think most of the neighbors were here.  We had our meeting, ate, played, showed them the house and just got to know everyone.  It was really a great time.  As people were starting to leave, I noticed a group of the men in the garage with Allen checking out the project truck.  He was so excited showing them the truck and the progress they have made.  It is so amazing to see him putting himself out there again, to engage in conversations, to interact with people and even more amazing that they are people he really doesn't know that well.  This is a huge thing for him.  But, even better than all of that, is hearing him laugh.  That true, deep, joyful laugh that has been missing for a very long time.  I heard it many times throughout the afternoon today, and each time I took note.  I relish the sound each time I hear it.  It stands out to me.  It reminds me of where we've been and how far we've come.  I hope that this is something that I will cherish the rest of my life.  We tend to take so much for granted in this world, and I hope that this is something that I never will.

As I sit and think about the sound of Allen's laugh, I find myself wondering if this is the way his laugh has always sounded, or if it truly has changed.  It sounds so foreign to me, but I am not sure if that's because it has changed like most everything else about him, or if it's just been so long since I've truly heard it that it sounds so new again.  At first, I thought it had changed.  However, after thinking about it, I'm not convinced it has.  I've written before about his voice changing so it very well could be that the sound of his laugh has changed just as his voice did.   I'm leaning more towards the fact that it has just been too long since I've heard it that I notice it again.  Absence does make the heart grow fonder!  Either way, I'll take it and cherish it as often as I can get it!

Even Now.........Gina 

Friends, Healing, and a '57 Chevy

Allen, Stacy King, and Bill King with the '57 Chevy

Bill King, Makale, Allen, and Dreyson 

     One of the greatest blessings we have received since joining the world of wounded warriors are all of the amazing friendships we have developed that we never would have had the opportunity for before.  So many astounding people have crossed our path since Allen's injury, and many we are able to now call our friends!  One such couple is Bill and Stacy King.  We had the honor of meeting Bill and Stacy back in August 2011, after they had helped all week long on the build for our house.

     Bill and Stacy are extremely generous, loving, and just overall "good people."  They have a moving personal story as well and we are honored to be able to call them our friends.  The first time we met them was just a couple of weeks after the build.  Allen and Bill had the chance to sit down for a conversation and soon discovered their combined love for 57 Chevy pick ups.  Allen had expressed to Bill that his dream was to get a project vehicle to restore with the boys and an old Chevy Pickup would be his dream.  Bill shared with Allen that he actually had 57 Chevy that he had restored and was his first vehicle.  He later asked me if he could get that truck back would it be ok for him to give it to Allen and the boys to restore.  I said that would be great but we by all means didn't expect them to just give us a vehicle.  Bill expressed his interest in being able to do this for all of us and that he would be in touch but it probably wouldn't happen until the spring.

Dreyson trying out the driver's seat

     As it turns out, Bill was not able to get his old truck back.  However, he and his beautiful wife Stacy, were determined to find the perfect truck for Allen and the boys.  This started their journey of traveling around the country in search of the perfect project.  Bill later shared it with me that it was something he felt was meant to be and was happy to be able to give this to Allen, Makale, and Dreyson.  Read more about Bill and Stacy's journey at http://stacysflutterings.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/infantry-blue-57/

1957 Chevy 3100 Pickup in Infantry Blue

     Beginning in late February, first part of March, we started getting emails and phone calls from Bill.  He and Stacy were on the hunt for the perfect project.  They were traveling everywhere!!  One day they were in Spring Hill, Kansas, the next Southern Illinois with plans to go on to Tennessee the following weekend.  We couldn't believe it.  I watched Allen with each communication from Bill and knew how much this meant to him.  Since getting PTSD, Allen doesn't get excited about too many things.  However, this was one of those rare things that was changing him.  He was opening up and showing some spunk!  He was really excited about getting a vehicle to work on with the boys.

  

Taking out the radiator

Soon, his dream came true when Bill and Stacy came up the driveway pulling a trailer and a 1957 Chevy!  We were all ecstatic and the fact that it was "infantry" blue made it even better!  (We have since found out it is more of a turquoise blue, but it's close enough.)  Our friendship has grown so much with the King's through this journey, it is really quite indescribable.  All I can really say is it was all definitely part of the plan for our lives and was truly meant to be for so many reasons.

A couple of weeks after they dropped off the truck, Bill and Stacy came back for the weekend.  Bill and Allen worked on the truck while Stacy and I ran parts for them and just hung out together.  We all had such a great time and our friendship blossomed even more.  I think that it has been such a joy for all of us throughout this whole process.  Healing has happened all the way around and the truck is on it's way to "healing" as well!

I am excited to see the process as it all unfolds.  I will do my best to update here the progress with the truck as well as all involved.  We are looking forward to Bill and Stacy visiting again in a couple of weeks and we will see how the truck changes then.

Oh, and by the way, every project vehicle like this gets a name and Allen has proudly decided to call this truck the "King!"  Thank you Bill and Stacy for your friendship as well as all you have done for our family.  You guys hold a very special place in all of our hearts!!

Even Now.........Gina

Always Behind

Ahhhhhhhh, it seems I'm always trying to catch up lately!!  There have been several things I have wanted to blog about but just haven't gotten around to it.  So, now I'm playing catch up!!

Last month, Allen and I were asked to speak at an American Legion Birthday party.  They really wanted Allen to speak, but also understood if he couldn't do it.  This was a big thing for him and took a little convincing that he could do it.  He has a really hard time being motivated to do much of anything much of the time.  As the date approached I really wasn't sure what was going to happen.  I had told them that I thought Allen was going to do it, but that they had to be flexible and open to him backing out at the last minute.  However, this is not easy for me!  I still am not completely comfortable doing public speaking so I am very regimented in preparing to do an event.  Allen is polar opposite.  He never prepares anything, and just basically flies by the seat of his pants.  He doesn't stress or anything, while I am a nervous wreck!  So, this flexibility I had to have was killing me!!

Finally the night before we were supposed to show up,  Allen committed to doing it.  We talked about it and (somewhat) planned what he would talk about and decided that he was going to pass it off to me so that I could talk about Silent Siren.  I was pretty confident that I could discuss Silent Siren without having it all written out so decided that I too, would wing it.

We arrived at the Legion about an hour before it was all supposed to start.  Allen had never been there before and instantly tensed up and was hyper vigilant.  I was pretty worried that I indeed was going to have to wing more than just my little explanation about Silent Siren.  So as I'm getting more and more nervous, I am also trying to calm Allen down and keep him in the moment.  Frankie is a life saver in these situations as well.  She knows him so well that she instantly gets to work.  Thankfully, they were serving a dinner before the program part of the evening which helped get Allen a little more acclimated to the new environment and also distracted him.  After the dinner was complete, Allen was actually pretty calm and said he could do it, much to my relief!!

After he was introduced, we both went to the podium and he began his speech.  He talked about service dogs and Puppies Behind Bars.  He spoke of how much Frankie has changed his life and how she works for him.  It was really very educational and I could tell that the audience was really receiving him well.  Part of his brain injury though is that he is easily distracted and tends to talk in circles a little bit.  (I just had my foot near him where I could gently nudge him to let him know he was wandering.)  He did really well.  He also got so caught up that he explained Silent Siren before he turned it over to me.  Then he remembered to turn it over to me but he had already explained what I was supposed to explain!!  It all turned out fine in the end and I was able to explain a little more about our program Silent Siren.

After we were finished, a group called the KC Betty's performed.  They were so cute and a lot of fun to watch.  Allen got a kick out of their performance but especially their song, Straighten up and Fly Right.  His grandma used to sing that song to him and he in turn has sang it to our kids.  We all sing it now!!  If you've not heard of the Betty's you should definitely check them out http://www.facebook.com/kcbettys!!  We are hoping to do some work with them in the future to help promote Silent Siren.

It is so amazing watching Allen come out of the PTSD shell more often.  Seeing him with a genuine smile on his face isn't such a rarity anymore.  Hearing his deep belly laugh happens more and more!  It is hard to put into words how much it means to us all to have a part of him back home with us finally after so long.  We are definitely blessed!!

Even Now.......Gina

De-Stressing

As I've talked about before, this year our family is really focusing on balance in our lives.  We are in a much more stable place than we have been the last few years, so now finding balance is key.  All of us struggle with this, we just don't often realize it or focus on it.  So, in striving to find balance, I've also learned that I have to de-stress a little.

This morning I came across a list of obvious ways to de-stress http://www.greatist.com/happiness/14-really-obvious-rules-for-not-stressing-out/.  There are some really great ideas here, and while they are very obvious, for most of us we just don't take the time to do them.  The one that I have done a lot of lately is unplugging.  The last couple of years, I have spent a great deal of time on my computer researching, networking, you name it.  I was actually probably somewhat addicted to it.  It made me crazy if I couldn't check my email, facebook, and blog regularly, multiple times a day.  Shortly after the holidays, I had just kind of had enough.  I guess you could say I was burnt out to some degree and took a step back for quite a while.  I didn't even miss it!!  It was great and very freeing for me.  (However, my blog has not been updated near like I would like and I often feel very guilty about that.)  In the big picture though, this has helped me a ton.  I no longer feel anxious if I don't go online for a day or even for a whole weekend!

With this has also come more time spent with my family.  Sometimes, things can overtake a big portion of our time and we don't even realize it.  Once again, it's all about balance.

I hope some of these tips from this article will help you realize how easy it can be to just take a little bit of time for yourself everyday and how much that can help reduce the stress in your life.

Even Now.......Gina 

Silent Siren: What's New

Silent Siren is our program that we have started in partnership with the Karla Smith Foundation.  We are still very much in our infancy, but we are moving forward and we are really excited.  So, just wanted to give a little update about Silent Siren and it's development.

We have our website up and running and we think it looks great!  We also have a facebook page that is relatively active and growing each week.   Please take a look at our website and let us know what you think.  Also, join us on facebook and share us, so that we can continue to grow and spread the word about Silent Siren.

We have our advisory council in place and working hard with our core team in developing different aspects of our program.  Currently, we are in development of our educational programs for emergency services personnel as well as for family members supporting a loved one with PTSD.  These programs are a crucial part of Silent Siren and we are engaging key individuals from a variety of backgrounds to get these programs right!

It will probably be a few more months before we are officially launched in a community.  We are in talks with some communities that are very interested in starting Silent Siren.  We will keep you posted!!

As with any non profit organization, fundraising is an ongoing concern and project!  We will be having some events in the near future in order to raise funds in order for us to stay in business!  If anyone is willing to help us in this manner, please let us know!

 The mission of Silent Siren is to build strong community collaborations that enhance and expand existing community crisis intervention/support for military service individuals and their families.

We believe that the following actions and approaches will help achieve this mission:

       1.  Empower persons supporting an individual with PTSD to utilize local emergency support services.

        2. Educate emergency support personnel and military families and caregivers about PTSD and the fundamental approaches to responding to PTSD crisis situations.

         3. Engage local community counseling & support resources who can be readily available to navigate family members and caregivers through crisis situation.

Please watch for more updates here but also visit us on facebook and at www.silentsiren.org.

Even Now.......Gina

Remembering to Take Care of Me

After all of the excitement our family had the second half of 2011, I had to take a step away from some things.  I needed a break.  It was extremely hard for me to take that step back, but I couldn't afford not to.  I was quickly becoming burnt out and overwhelmed with everything.  We had a huge spot light put on us, which brought many blessings to us, but it also added a huge amount of stress.  I managed to hold it all together until after our episode of EMHE aired, but after that I pretty much crashed for a couple of months.

This break ended up being a break from technology to some degree.  I rarely got on my computer, didn't watch much news, and pretty much vegged out as much as I could.  I felt really guilty during this time, but I had to do it in order to take care of me.  Everyone in my family also happened to get sick a couple of times during this hiatus I took, so that just confirmed to me that we all really just needed some downtime.

I have had a bit of a slow start in 2012 getting back to it all, but I feel that I finally am getting back into the swing of it all.  I feel energized and ready to get back to advocating for families like ours as well as continuing to take care of my family.

Our program Silent Siren is really coming together.  We are still in infancy, but we are making some serious strides in development.  While working on some of the education pieces last week, the topic of self care for the caregiver was brought up.  It really got me thinking about taking care of myself and how I do that.  It is so often to forget this part when I get caught up in taking care of everyone else!

One of the things that I do to take care of me is to read.  I read a lot of things about PTSD and other "work" topics, but I LOVE to read just for fun too.  So, I've spent quite a bit of time the last couple of months reading, just for fun.  It is a great escape for me to read a novel, that has nothing to do with my real life.  I can travel to a different place, or time and just get lost.  I realize how much I've missed it the last year when my life felt so busy I didn't have time to pick up my kindle and just read.  It has been so great to get back to this great escape for me.

When my life gets crazy and hectic, I have to remember that I need to still take care of me.  Sometimes I forget this and it takes someone or an event to remind me.  However, this year as we all seek to find balance in our life (what my family is focusing on this year), I have to constantly remember it's ok to take some time for me.

Now, a little update on Allen.......we saw his psychiatrist last week and we made a medication change and will see him again in a couple of months to see how things are going.  I still see him struggling, but I have to say that he is so much better, even on his bad days, than he was a year ago and we are so thankful.  I'm going to close this with a picture of Allen and I from an event with our partner organization, Karla Smith Foundation last November.  I LOVE this picture of the two of us.

Even Now.......Gina

The Ups and Downs of PTSD

Even when things are good, are they really?  For those of us who live with PTSD everyday, the good times are good, but there is still always that question of when is it going to drop.  We never know when something is going to trigger the PTSD and send the entire family slipping down a very slippery slope.

Overall, our family is in a much better place these days.  However, I notice more and more days and even weeks, that are not turning out so well.  Twice this week, Allen has gotten up in the morning to help get the kids out the door for school and then climbs back into bed the first chance he gets.  I understand wanting to do this, the idea of it is what makes me get up everyday!  I tell myself I must get up but after the boys are at school I can go back to bed.  The difference is, I never do.  When Allen does, we can kiss the whole day goodbye because getting him up again is next to impossible.

This has been going on now for several weeks.  I kept telling myself that once he started taking his class this would change.  He would have something to get up for, some motivation, something to look forward to.  He loves his class.  It makes him feel productive and alive.  It did get better the first couple of weeks so I thought we were on the up and up again.  Well, not so much.  He's really struggling with the depression side of PTSD right now and I feel so helpless.  Once again, I find myself not sure how much to push him, and how much to just let him be.  After all, he is a grown man, and he deserves to be able to make these choices.  He also deserves to be able to go back to bed if he's tired, once in a while.  The problem is, I'm afraid it's becoming a habit.  A more often than not kind of thing.

Thankfully, he sees his psychiatrist at the VA next week.  There may be some medication changes coming which are also usually not a very fun time.  However, we've been through much worse, and I know this is all just a part of the normal cycle of chronic PTSD.  I also know that God is in control and has a plan for all of us.  I find great comfort in that!

Even Now......Gina