A Year Ago

One year ago today, my sister and I flew Allen across the country to California to be admitted into The Pathway Home.  I remember that period in my life like it was yesterday.  A lot has happened in this last year, and we've come a long way.

Allen retreating into his computer shortly
before going to California for treatment.

The place Allen was at when we left home was the worst I had ever seen him.  He was struggling everyday to simply live.  He was fighting for his life.  He was scared to death he was going to hurt one of us and knew that if he did he would never be able to live with himself.  He was struggling not to take his own life in hopes of preventing something else from happening that scared him even more.  We easily could have been one of the tragic stories that make national headlines of combat veteran's going on terrifying and often deadly rampages.  Thankfully, we had a different outcome.

Allen's 11 months away was a lot of hard work for him as well as missing out on a lot at home.  He missed everyone's birthday, the holidays, our anniversary, Makale getting his learner's permit, Dreyson's numerous plays including the big one at Starlight theatre with Lou Diamond Phillips, Makale's track season, and numerous other things that happen in a year for a family.  However, he was a trooper and put in the hard work it took to get to a much better place.  

With him being away, we also missed him.  We drew comfort from the fact that he was in a safe place that could help him get better.  But, that didn't take up the hurt in our heart of being separated from him once again.  While he missed out on tons we were doing, we missed out on the progress and hard work he was doing.  We weren't there to celebrate with him the milestones he was making.  

However, in the realm of the rest of our lives, a year was a small sacrifice to make.  Allen put in so much hard work, dedication, determination, and resilience to get better so that he could live at home and be an active part in our family again.  In the 6 weeks he's been home, I've seen more of the man I married than I have in the last 4 years.  He truly is in a much better place.  He's actively parenting our boys, helping with homework, housework, and just engaged with all of us again.  Do not let that fool you though, he still very much struggles with his PTSD.  He's not cured, just better.  

While I really struggled with decisions regarding his care a year ago today, I can say I definitely made the right choice.  It was incredibly hard getting on that plane to fly to California, but I am so glad we did.  Sometimes, we have to go through these difficult choices to get to the other side.  I know that we will always have mountains to climb, but there is light on the other side.

Happy to have my husband and best friend home and, for the boys to have their dad back!!  

Even Now..........Gina

Reconnecting with Roberto

This last weekend, Allen and I were able to reconnect with the man who raised Frankie, Roberto.  We were blessed to spend a day with him in April of 2009 while we filmed a segment for the Oprah show.  It was one of the most amazing days of my life and one that has greatly influenced my life ever since.

I've written about that day before, but felt the need to write more about Roberto and what an amazing guy he is.  He put so much love, work, and time into Frankie and that love has come through in a big way to our family.  Frankie wouldn't do the things she does for Allen had it not been for Roberto.  I have no doubt that it was an extremely difficult thing for him to say goodbye to Frankie.  I'm sure he still misses her.  For all intensive purposes, she was his baby.  Yet, he said goodbye to her so that she could come live with us to be Allen's best friend and partner.  Not an easy thing to do.

Until last weekend, we hadn't heard anything from Roberto since that day in April 2009.  Then he was incarcerated and had been for nearly half his life.  We have often shared his story when we talked about Frankie and regularly thought about him and wondered how he was doing.  In June 2009 he was released from Fishkill Correctional Facility.  We were so happy for him and looking forward to hearing from him.  Well, we finally got that chance!!

I am so happy to report that he is doing great!!  We've been emailing, facebooking, and even talked on the phone over the weekend.  It is so great to form a relationship with him.  We consider him a part of our family and can now really nurture that relationship.  To read more about what he is doing with his life follow this link http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/bronx/2011/08/18/2011-08-18_helping_youth_avoid_sad_life_he_led.html .  He is truly an inspiration.

The Oprah show is also doing a follow up on the story they did on Puppies Behind Bars in 2009.  They have been filming with Roberto and interviewed us on the phone.  It is supposed to air sometime next month on the OWN network.  It will definitely be worth your time to try to watch it and learn more about Roberto and how he changed his life!

Roberto, we are so happy to have you in our life!  What you did for Allen, (and Frankie), has forever changed our lives.  You will always be a part of our life and we will forever be grateful for all you gave for us.  Thank you!

Even Now......Gina

One Thing I Have Learned

I've learned so much about myself since Allen's injury.  One of the biggest things I have learned though is to not be judgemental.  I didn't think that I was judgemental before, but now I know I really was.  And, I'm sure that I still am to some degree.  However, this something that I am constantly reminding myself of and working on to make myself a better person.

It sickens me to over hear people's conversations while out in public.  People can be so rude and not even know they are being rude.  Today Allen and I stopped by a store on our way home from his doctor's appointment.  We are pretty used to getting comments and questions about Frankie so people talking to us or watching us isn't too out of the normal.  However, the comments that I hear sometimes are really rude and tend to stay with me.  I know I should just let them go, but I have a hard time doing that.  Today we were standing in line to check out.  We were the 3rd people in line and Allen was having a hard time being in the line.  So, I gave him the keys so he could go on out to the truck and wait for me.  The line in this particular store is one line and it is all blocked in and you have to go through the entire line to get up to the registers.  Instead of going all the way back through the line, he excused himself and walked past the 2 women in front of us and then out the door to the truck.  He was polite, said excuse me and everything.  After watching him get completely out the door, woman #1 turns to woman #2 in front of me and says, "why in the world did he just come all the way through the line to get to the door?"  Obviously she didn't know he was with me.  And really, it wasn't anything that I should take personal but it made me really mad.  I didn't say anything to her, but really wish I would have.

I just wish people would realize that everyone has issues and no one is better than the next guy.  I wrote this much of this entry a few days ago and have let it sit here, not sure if I wanted to post it or not.  I felt strongly that I needed to write something about this topic, just wasn't sure this is the way I wanted to go. Just a few minutes ago, I found another post about this same topic.  I just think it says it much better than I did.  So, here is the link to it.  Please take the time to read it.  It might just might change your life.  http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151  If it gives you something to think about, please leave me a comment!

Even Now.........Gina

Tips for Traveling with a Service Dog

Traveling with a service dog can be a bit of a challenge at times, but with good planning and knowing what to expect, it should go smoothly.  My husband Allen has had his service dog for almost 3 years now and we have traveled quite a bit with her in tow.  We have learned some tips to help the traveling days go smoother and I was asked to write some of them down.  So, here they are.

Tips for flying with a service dog:

1.  When making your flight reservations, always inform them that you will be flying with a service dog.  They can not charge you extra for your dog to fly with you, but we have found that it always goes smoother when they are expecting you.
2. On the day you are going to fly, do not feed your dog!  We always give Frankie a little late night snack the night before just because we feel sorry for her.  But the morning we are going to fly, we do not feed her or give her any water.  That way, if we do not have time to take her out to do her business, she doesn't have much in her tummy to need to go.  As soon as we get to our final destination we have her food and a drink ready.  By doing this, she is able to go the day without having to relieve herself.  It will also reduce the chances of her getting sick for those that are prone to motion sickness.
3. Call TSA ahead of time to make arrangements with them to help you through security.  The phone number I use is 703-603-1558 or 1-800-427-7890.  Tell them you are going to be traveling with a wounded warrior who has a service dog and will need help going through security.  This has been a life saver for us.  I usually try to call 24 hours in advance.
4. One of the most important things is to know the ADA laws about service dogs and their access.  We usually carry a copy of the law with us in case we are questioned.  That way we have the law with us, so we are prepared to educate!
5. Every airport is required to have a place to relieve service dogs.  However, many of these are in a dark corner or very far away from the terminal so we often do not have time between flights to take advantage of them.  We almost always have to exit security and then go through security again to get back in.  So, we try to avoid this at all costs.

For traveling in a car I follow many of the same rules.  If we are not going to be stopping regularly, we often will not feed her the morning we are going to travel.  This helps cut down on stops we have to make.  However, we do still try to stop somewhat frequently so that she has a chance to get out and stretch her legs.  Allen usually has some type of ball with us too so that he can throw her a ball for a few minutes when we do stop.  This helps her get in a little exercise and not be so restless in the car.  Something to always remember, depending on what time of the year you are traveling, the pavement may be really hot or really cold and your dog may not be used to that.  Always keep that in mind, as you do not want to damage your dog's pads on their feet.  This is where their sweat glands are and can cause serious problems if they get burnt or even frost bite.

A great site that has many more tips for traveling can be found at http://www.deltasociety.org/Page.aspx?pid=492.  One last thing to keep in mind is do not panic if your dog has an accident while out in public.  We have been very lucky with this, but have had one incident in an airport where Frankie did have an accident.  Allen just took the time to clean up after her and it was fine.  As well trained as service dogs are, we do have to keep in mind they are still a dog.  By keeping calm and just cleaning it up, it draws less attention and seems to keep others calm as well.  Even if someone says something, just remember that not everyone has been educated about service dogs.  

Remembering 9-11

I tried to write this yesterday on the actual anniversary but just couldn't seem to get anything down.  It was a day filled with reflection and emotion.  A day that always causes me to pause, count my blessings, and look back at the day that changed America forever.  When the events unfolded 10 years ago, I remember exactly what I was doing and the range of emotions that ran through me.  However, I never would have guessed how much that day was truly going to impact the rest of my life.

Ten years ago, I was teaching at a small K-12 school in the middle of a cornfield.  I was teaching 7/8 grade social studies and english and happened to be in my first hour english class when I learned about what was happening.  I remember going outside later in the morning and seeing how beautiful the day was.  The sky was so blue and peaceful until we noticed all of the plane vapor trails circling the sky.  Makale remembers me not letting him go outside to play that day, but not understanding why.

In some ways, my life was so simple until that day.  I was a single mom, working on buying my own house, and really living a pretty content life.  I had recently "met" Allen, although we had not met in person.  He was deployed at the time of the attacks.  Never in a million years, would I have pictured what my life would look like in 10 years.

I knew that day that all of America would change.  I knew that the freedom so many of us took for granted would be more appreciated.  I loved the patriotism that was brought out because of that day.  The way American's came together to help one another was incredible.  Our resilience was amazing.  However, I never knew how much my own life would be changed because of that one day.

That one day changed my life forever.  Instead of teaching a classroom full of kids, I am now a full time caregiver for my husband who was critically injured in Iraq almost four years ago.  Had the attacks not happened, my husband most likely would not have been deployed to a combat zone.  He may have faced a deployment, but that is even questionable.  In reality though, he faced 2 combat deployments which left him a completely different person.  The man who came home from war, was not the man I sent off to war.  And, all of this, is in direct relation to the deadly attacks that happened on 9/11/2001.

When I look at my life and how it changed since the attacks 10 years ago, I am a little bit overwhelmed.  I am nowhere near where I thought I would be.  With that being said, through all of the tragedy my family has personally faced, we are still very blessed.  We have Allen home with us after many long separations, deployments, treatment centers, and hospitals.  We were recently blessed with a new home, and have a community that supports us.  I have learned through all of this that I have to be willing to step out of my comfort zone in order to help others and to learn and grow.  I have embraced all of this and grown leaps and bounds in my own personal life.  Not only is my husband a much different person than he was before war, so am I.  We have learned to embrace this and make the most out of any situation, no matter how grim it may be.  We have learned to love one another through good times and bad.  But most importantly, we have learned to lean on God and to trust Him to work it all out.  God has a plan for all of us, we just have to be willing to trust in Him and to listen to know what that plan is.

My heart and prayers go out to all of those personally touched in any way by the attacks of 9/11.  I pray that you all find peace and feel the love of God in your life.

Even Now.........Gina

Erase the Stigma

This past weekend Allen and I traveled to St. Louis where I was the keynote speaker at a conference titled Erase the Stigma.  It was an amazing weekend and we were able to meet a lot of people who came from that area and volunteered all week on our build.  They are a great group of people and I am so honored to call them all friends.

The conference went great.  I was a bit worried when we went up to the venue on Friday so Allen could acclimate himself a little and he had a really hard time there.  He couldn't stop scanning, standing against the wall, and had a hard time staying here.  However, he did it and then Saturday he was so much better.  I was so proud of him!  He is facing his fears everyday and conquering them!!  (I do have to say though, that Allen is not cured of his PTSD, it is something he will struggle with the rest of his life.  However, he is in a really good place right now with it.)

The morning started out with me sharing the same speech that I shared on Capitol Hill last May.  I had made a few minor changes, but it was basically the same speech.  I have given several versions of this speech now and I never know whether it will make me emotional or not.  Saturday, it made me extremely emotional, and it was difficult at times to get through it.  I think that was due to the fact that Allen and my sister Chris were there as well as Kevin and Emily Smith, John Steed and many other friends.  Normally when I speak, it is only in front of strangers.  However, it still went well.  We then moved into a more relaxed, conversational part of the session.  Tom Smith, of the Karla Smith Foundation, interviewed me and it went really well.  I was able to relax and just be myself during this part of the morning.  At the end of the question and answer period, Allen even got up and spoke for a few minutes.  It was great to see him step out of his comfort zone and share a little of his own story.

The afternoon was another question and answer period.  I really liked that there were such a variety of people there.  I was able to speak to caregivers, family members, veteran's, consumers, medical providers and people who work at the VA.  It was great to get to give my opinion on what medical providers could do differently to make it better for caregivers and the patient.  I felt it was all really well received as well.  We had lots of positive feedback.

I want to specifically thank a couple of spouse's who came to hear me speak.  Rayshell and Olivia-having you both there to hear our story was very special to me.  Please remember that I am always here for both of you!!  Olivia, thanks for driving so far!!

A great resource for any of you helping to support a loved one with a mental illness, including PTSD, please go to www.karlasmithfoundation.org .

Even Now......Gina

Together Again

After almost a year apart, we are finally back together again as a family!!  On July 31, 2011 our lives changed dramatically!  Thanks to our amazing community, family, friends, MAC Construction, Canyon Creek Homes, Extreme Makeover Home Edition and many, many others, we received the gift of a lifetime, a new home!  It was the one thing that was keeping us separated, and on August 6th we came home together to see it for the first time.

Before I go any further, I also have to thank my dear friend Emily Smith, who worked her tail off (and also lied her tail off to me), in helping nominate us and then continue through the journey of all of it.  She organized all of the volunteers and did numerous other things that I probably will never know about.  I love you Emily, and I am honored and humbled by your friendship!  You truly are one of the many blessings I have received that I never would have had, if Allen hadn't been injured.  You are one in a million, and I will always consider you a dear friend.

Another dear friend that I want to thank is John Steed.  He's been an amazing blessing in our lives and also contributed hugely to our new home.  John, you are an amazing friend to us and you always give so much.  We are honored to call you our friend and our lives are blessed just knowing you.

Many, many people greatly contributed and we are eternally grateful.

As I said, July 31 was the day it all changed.  It was the day of the door knock when we heard Good Morning Hill Family and ran out the door to see Ty Pennington, Paul DiMeo, Paige Hemmis, John Littlefield, and Ed Sanders coming to our door.  It was unbelievable and very surreal.  It is still hard to believe that this happened to us!!  We were then whisked away to California to meet up with Allen and begin our life together, again!

Seeing Allen again was the best part!!  Don't get me wrong, it was all very exciting and great, but it had been so long since we had all been together.  At times throughout this treatment, it had seemed that we may never be back together again as a real family.  So, this day was so special and a day I will hold near to my heart forever.

After spending a day in Napa, we all went on an adventurous road trip to Yosemite National Park.  I am not allowed to say much, but it was incredible.  The natural beauty there and being able to look around and just see God's creation left me speechless.  We did a lot of great things together as a family and it was so amazing watching it all unfold.  Dreyson was glued to his daddy's side and was so thrilled to be with him again.  Makale took it all in and was also happy to have his dad back with us again.

Saturday, August 6 we were back in Kansas again.  Watching Allen ride in the limo, just trying to take it all in made me really reflect on our life the past year.  It was a great feeling to experience it all with him again and to have him really enjoy it all.  There was a lot of anxiety and anticipation as we waited to come see our new home.  When we finally pulled up in that limo, we were beyond words.  I was really worried about Allen and how he would handle the crowd.  I was so awed by his strength during this part of it.  He had the option of not having a crowd there at all but he chose to have them there.  He knew it would be very difficult for him, but he wouldn't take that from the community who had worked so hard for us, just to make it easier for him.  He asked for a few special things, like silence and the limo to not pull away so that he had a barrier between him and the crowd.  But then, he even gave the ok for the limo to leave.  It was truly an amazing moment and one that was so emotional for everyone there.  When the bus finally moved, we were all stunned.  I think maybe shocked is a better word!  Allen then looked like he was going to pass out so I hugged him for a long moment.  He then said he was ok and then the tears started flowing.  Allen cried and cried as he took it all in.  Eventually, we started up the driveway and we all stopped and he turned around to face the crowd and waved and said thank you.  Ty then asked if it was ok for the crowd to cheer and Allen said it was.  So, Ty gave the signal and the crowd went nuts.  It was truly inspiring.  To see the support we have with our own eyes, just made me beyond words.  Makale leaned over to Allen and said, "see, you can do crowds!"

The whole thing was just so emotional.  We've been in the house almost 3 weeks now and it is still hard to believe.  We love it and having Allen home is awesome!  He is doing really well and learning to fit in with us again.  It is great seeing him interact with all of us again and take the time to rebuild his relationships with us.  He is so much better, better than I've seen him in almost 4 years.  Having a safe place to live will only help keep him well and encourage him to remain active and give back for all we have been given.

For a beautiful slide show of the week of the build click on this link http://kgauthierphotography.myshowit.com/emhe/index.html .  Thank you Kate Gauthier for this beautiful look into the building of our home.

Thanks again to everyone involved in helping to bring Allen home!

Even Now.........Gina