The Invisible Wounded

The Ups and Downs of PTSD

2012-02-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

Even when things are good, are they really? For those of us who live with PTSD everyday, the good times are good, but there is still always that question of when is it going to drop. We never know when something is going to trigger the PTSD and send the entire family slipping down a very slippery slope.

Overall, our family is in a much better place these days. However, I notice more and more days and even weeks, that are not turning out so well. Twice this week, Allen has gotten up in the morning to help get the kids out the door for school and then climbs back into bed the first chance he gets. I understand wanting to do this, the idea of it is what makes me get up everyday! I tell myself I must get up but after the boys are at school I can go back to bed. The difference is, I never do. When Allen does, we can kiss the whole day goodbye because getting him up again is next to impossible.

This has been going on now for several weeks. I kept telling myself that once he started taking his class this would change. He would have something to get up for, some motivation, something to look forward to. He loves his class. It makes him feel productive and alive. It did get better the first couple of weeks so I thought we were on the up and up again. Well, not so much. He's really struggling with the depression side of PTSD right now and I feel so helpless. Once again, I find myself not sure how much to push him, and how much to just let him be. After all, he is a grown man, and he deserves to be able to make these choices. He also deserves to be able to go back to bed if he's tired, once in a while. The problem is, I'm afraid it's becoming a habit. A more often than not kind of thing.

Thankfully, he sees his psychiatrist at the VA next week. There may be some medication changes coming which are also usually not a very fun time. However, we've been through much worse, and I know this is all just a part of the normal cycle of chronic PTSD. I also know that God is in control and has a plan for all of us. I find great comfort in that!

Even Now......Gina

Response from the White House

2012-01-14T09:48:00.000-08:00

Last January, I wrote a letter to Michelle Obama reaching out for help. Allen was away at The Pathway Home and things were not looking promising for him to return home to live with us on a permanent basis anytime soon. I was extremely frustrated and felt that I had done everything I knew to get my husband the help he wanted and so desperately needed. I was scared and grasping for straws.

So, I decided to write a letter to the first lady. She has been passionate about helping military families so I thought maybe it would do some good. After all, if we don't share our stories with those who can make change happen, how can we ever expect them to do something for us? I posted a copy of that letter on my blog, http://theinvisiblewounded.blogspot.com/2011/01/letter-to-michelle-obama.html. I emailed the letter to the white house and also followed that up with a hard copy in snail mail. I wasn't sure which way was best, so figured I would do both.

To be honest, I was a little disappointed when I never received a response. I expected it to take several weeks before getting one, but I really didn't think I'd not hear anything. Well, that all changed last week when I received a call from the White House! Allen answered the phone and brought it to me whispering to me that it was the guy from the white house. I was completely confused while trying to figure out why our neighbor who lives in the "white" house was calling for me. (He's the manager of our walmart so I was completely confused.) Soon after saying hello my confusion cleared up. It wasn't our neighbor from the "white" house, it was Tyler, from THE White House! Tyler is a staffer there and told me that the first lady had received my letter and was considering using a quote out of it for an upcoming speech. They needed to get my permission as well as all of my personal information. He also informed me that things can always change but he would let me know if they decided to go ahead and use my letter.

I was completely thrilled to know the impact simply writing a letter could have. I have always heard people encouraging others to write their elected officials but honestly, I never really figured it did much good. I now am an avid fan of writing or calling your elected officials! (I know she's not elected, but it seems to be about the same thing.) Whether she used my letter or not, I was deeply honored and humbled that she received, read, and was impacted by my words and story. Now, we just had to wait to hear from them again.

Much to my surprise I didn't have to wait long. On Tuesday, January 10, Tyler called me again. Mrs. Obama was going to be making a speech at Virginia Commonwealth University and was going to include part of my letter in her remarks. We could log onto the universities website and watch the live feed on Wednesday afternoon. I didn't know what she was going to be talking about, but was eager to hear her speak. (The only thing better would have been to be able to be there live!)

Allen and I set up both of our laptops, side by side and tuned in. We were hoping that our internet didn't spend a lot of time buffering but we didn't have much control over that. Thankfully, it wasn't too bad, and we were able to watch most of the speech uninterrupted. Her speech was amazing. Of course it was special to me because she called me by name and used part of my letter. But, even without that, I was deeply touched by her speech. She gets "it". Not many people, unless they are personally touched by the invisible wounds of war get "it". She however seems to have a pretty good grasp on it as well as a passion for helping us. It is refreshing to see that people who have the power to make changes are truly listening.

The main topic in her speech was launching a new initiative between 105 medical schools to devote more training, time, and resources for their students to treat PTSD, TBI and other "invisible" wounds of war. These schools have committed to fund research as well. It is an exciting time for wounded warrior families, although it can't come soon enough. Many are still really struggling everyday for basic care and benefits.

To hear Mrs. Obama's speech in it's entirety, go to http://www.youtube.com/vcu#p/u/5/dR8ye3ADC90 . The part where she quotes my letter is at about the 20 minute 40 second mark. But, I encourage you to listen to the entire speech.

Thank you Mrs. Obama for all you do for military families, specifically wounded warriors and their families. It is refreshing to see someone remember the entire family and not just the service member/veteran.

Even Now.......Gina

Sorry For My Absence

2012-01-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

I realize that I've been missing in action since the first part of December. December was a crazy month for us and quite frankly, I needed a break from everything technology related! So, this is really just a bit of an update on all of us.

Sickness was the word of the month for us at the Hill house. Hopefully that means that we have all had everything going around this winter and will not get sick again. We were all sick right before Christmas and most of us were sick numerous times throughout the Christmas break. We had bronchial infections, coughs, runny noses, sneezes, tummy trouble and fevers. It was not a fun time, but we are all feeling much better now!

While it was great all being home in our new house for Christmas this year, it was a tough time. Allen really struggled with depression and other PTSD symptoms. He spent A LOT of time in his quiet room but we made it through. The boys had a great Christmas, and we spent it with my sister and parents. We also enjoyed our time with Little Allen, Allen's oldest son who lives in Dallas. He stayed here a week and we all miss him now that he's back home. It did all of us good to spend some much needed time with him again. Allen felt guilty being in his room so much, but it was what he needed to make it through the holidays. We are so thankful to have that space for him. It has made a world of difference.

New Year's Eve was our 9th wedding anniversary. Typically we go spend it at my sister's house, but didn't this year as Makale had basketball practice. We decided to just stay home and have a few friends over. The boys had a great time as they each had friends over too. Allen was able to mingle for a little while before retreating to his quiet room where he and a friend watched a movie. We are quickly learning that a lot of people even at home is very stressful for him.

It's hard to believe that we were married 9 years ago! Anniversaries for anything always make me reflect back to the initial event. I thought back about what I dreamed our life would be like by now on our wedding day. Never did this life enter my mind. With that being said, while it's not easy most of the time, I wouldn't change it for anything. The things we've gone through have made me realize that difficulties aren't necessarily a bad thing, but more often than not a blessing in disguise.

Today is a big day for Allen. He is starting back to school at Ottawa University where they gave him and the boys each a full ride scholarship. He will be taking a computer programming class. He is starting with just one class this semester to see how he does and if he is ready to embark on going back to school. I will be attending class with him at least until he is comfortable enough to be in class on his own. He has a small class, only 13 including him and he already checked out the room and knows the professor. I hope that we have done everything to help him be successful. He is really excited and I think it will help alleviate some of the depression he deals with. He will also have a "life coach" type advisory that will be able to help him if he needs any special accommodations or tutoring. I think OU is going to be a good fit for him. Of course, I think it's cool that we will potentially all have degrees from OU, my alma mater!!

Silent Siren is continuing to develop. It is a lot of work and there is still much to be done, but we are making strides and getting the word out slowly but surely. Stay tuned as we develop. We can always use funding, so if you are looking for somewhere to donate to this year, please consider us. There is a donate tab on our website at www.silentsiren.org and can all be done online. Or, if you prefer to send a check, you can email me through the tab on my blog and I can get you an address to mail a check to.

Happy New Year to you all! May you have a blessed 2012!

Even Now.......Gina

Slipping

2011-12-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest things I struggle with is how and when to help my husband when I see him beginning to slip. After almost 4 really good months, I am really beginning to see some pretty big signs that my husband is slipping again. I know what his rock bottom looks like, and I NEVER want to see that again.

This time of year is typically very hard for him. I always see more depression and other symptoms come to the surface during this time of the year. I guess I had just hoped that it was going to be different this year.

About a month ago the not sleeping at night started again. We made a slight adjustment to meds in order to help this but not sure it has. He's still not sleeping well at night and then he wants to sleep all day. I hate this vicious cycle. I talk to him and he agrees with me and stays awake and busy for a couple of days, but then goes right back to sleeping during the day again. He can even tell me what the sleep experts say about this, but then can't follow through. I think the not sleeping fuels the depression, which in turn fuels the sleeping during the day. He uses it as an avoidance, as a way of isolating. I see it, talk to him about it, think he gets it, but then here we are again every couple of days. I begin feeling like a nagging wife constantly riding him about what he's doing or not doing and I hate it!! However, the other side is if I just leave him alone, he will spend his entire day in bed and then once again not sleep at night. I can't seem to find the balance in supporting him.

He plans to start school again next month and I've really struggled with whether or not this is a good idea. On the one hand, it will give him something to get up for everyday. It is something he has wanted to do for a long time and has the opportunity to go again. However, the other side of that is the added stress school is going to bring which is never good for him. Ultimately it is his decision, but I worry none the less.

Thankfully, this too shall pass. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Even Now........Gina

Veteran's Day Parade

2011-11-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, our family participated in the veteran's day parade here in Ottawa. It was the first year since Allen's injury that he has even been able to attend the parade, let alone be in it. They have asked us several times to participate, but this was the first year Allen has been well enough to even try it. Our good friends were here from South Carolina, (the dad is also a wounded warrior with severe PTSD), so they joined us in the parade!

The original plan was for the kids to ride in the back of the truck with Allen and Dave and Frankie and Harry (their service dogs), while Meaghan and I rode in the front (where it was warm!)!! We ended up switching that though and had my sister drive the truck (I was afraid I might get distracted and end up running over a tuba player in front of us), Meaghan, Makale, and Abbey rode in the front, with the little kids in the back. I rode on the tail gate while Allen, Frankie, Dave and Harry walked behind us. That way if there was a problem with Allen I could jump off and help.

The little kids were so excited to throw out candy! I went to the store and bought a BUNCH of left over halloween candy on clearance so they would have plenty, or so I thought! They ran out in the first block! The parade ran from 5th for about 6 blocks. They have a small ceremony in the middle of the parade, with a 21 gun salute, short speaker, national anthem, and a fly over. Well, we were stopped right in the intersection, only a block into the parade for the ceremony. If you can imagine this was highly stressful as we are in the middle of downtown, in the middle of an intersection with people everywhere, a fly over, and then the 21 gun salute. Dave had to walk away from it all but was able to take care of himself and get away. Allen sort of froze. I was able to talk to him throughout though and keep him here. It was amazing! I was pretty nervous while we were going through it, but it was great for him to make it through. What a boost in confidence!! He was even able to enjoy the rest of the parade after we started moving again!! I just walked with him the rest of the way which was actually pretty cool!

Since our show had just aired the night before everyone was yelling our names and clapping for us. It was a bit overwhelming and kind of weird, but it was good that we could be there. I think it helped for people to be able to see us and wave to us to make it seem more normal. I was so proud of Allen and Dave for doing what they had to in order to take care of themselves. Not long ago, neither one of them would have been able to take care of themselves in that situation. Proud of you guys!!

It did take a toll on Allen later that day. We came home and he had a headache and needed some rest. Once again though, he took care of himself which is such a huge improvement. He went into his quiet room, took a little nap and regrouped and then was able to join us again later that afternoon. We still had a house full of company and he really enjoyed them. It was so great to see such a huge improvement in a year's time. Last year at this time I wasn't sure if he would ever be able to live with us in a home environment again or if we would have to find somewhere for him to live long term.

It just goes to show that God is good. He has a plan for us if we will just take the time to listen. Allen put in so much hard work that wasn't easy, but he is so much better now because of it. Today on Veteran's Day, 11-11-11, I want to thank Allen for his self less sacrifice and service to our great nation as well as all of the other veteran's past, present, and future. America is great because of you! Allen you are my true hero!

Even Now.......Gina

Thank you, thank you , thank you......

2011-11-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

Those two little words just do not seem to be enough, but I don't know what else to say. I am beyond grateful everyone who had anything to do with our build. I know that I will never know you all and be able to thank you personally, but know that we are forever grateful.

It is so amazing to be see the dedication, love, hard work, and sacrifices of so many come together to help bring our family together again. I am so humbled by it all. Please know, that me and my entire family are very thankful to have such a supportive community surrounding us. We know the conditions were extreme, and we appreciate everyone!

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the donations, time, sweat, energy, time and everything else that was given for us. We will never forget all of that and will do our best to pay it forward every chance we get.

Even Now......Gina

Silent Siren

2011-11-04T04:30:00.000-07:00

Our family is very pleased to announce our new program Silent Siren. It is the culmination of our personal experiences, tons of hard work, and the passion we have to help others who find themselves in similar situations. The idea for this program has been running through my mind for several years now. It is great to finally see it come to fruition!

You can learn more about this unique PTSD alert program by logging on to our new website at www.silentsiren.org . Please help us grow by sharing our link, facebook page, and twitter! You can also donate to Silent Siren through our website.

Through our journey of being a wounded warrior family we have had many struggles, but we have also been incredibly blessed. We are happy to be able to give back and share our story to help pave a better road for those who will follow in a similar journey. We hope that we can use our voice and story to speak for other families struggling with PTSD. We are extremely honored and humbled that we have been given this opportunity to speak out and fight the stigma.

None of this would be possible without my amazing team who has believed in my idea from the first time I shared it with them. I want to thank Dr. Ike Nnawuchi, Emily Smith, John Steed, and Theresa Emerson for their belief in me and my idea, their hard work and dedication in making this dream a reality, and their commitment to see it through. We love you guys!

I also want to thank Karla Smith Foundation for deciding to make this a program under their foundation. I am proud to partner with them and work together to help bridge the gap between families supporting a loved one with PTSD and emergency services personnel. I am excited to see where this goes!

Please support our new program in any way you can. Thank you!

Even Now.......Gina

Friday, November 4, 2011

2011-11-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well, the big day is finally almost here. In less than 24 hours our episode will have aired and the big build up will be over! We have a pretty big day planned for tomorrow and unfortunately, we probably won't be getting much sleep tonight due to our anticipation!!

Our local ABC affiliate, KMBC9 news will be here broadcasting live from our house for their morning show. They wanted to be here from 4:30-9:00, yes that's am!!! We decided that the earliest we would be available is 6:30 and the boys aren't too happy about that early! So, they will be here from 6:30-9:00 tomorrow morning. I must admit, the live interviews make me a bit nervous! I've gotten pretty used to the recorded ones and the ability to edit and start over. Live makes me a little anxious! While they are here in the morning, they will also be filming some segments for their 5:00 and 6:00 editions, and will then return around 8:00 to be here for some of our watch party. On the 10:00 news, they will then show the party and some of the inside of the house. Pretty big day!

I'm so excited that our friend's are coming in from South Carolina to share this day with us. The Long Family will be here for the weekend. We are all happy about this and can't wait to see them. It really means a lot to me that they took the time to come share this with us. We've been through a lot together and it will be so good for us to just be able to be together again!

I hope you are all able to tune into the news stories as well as our episode on Extreme Makeover Home Edition tomorrow, November 4! We are excited to see how it all turns out and how much awareness it will raise for PTSD.

We are also launching our own program tomorrow and I am going to post about it all on it's own! So, there will be 2 posts tonight because it's such a big day!! Thank you all for your support!

Even Now.......Gina

Getting a New Look

2011-11-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, my blog has had a makeover!! We are in the process of launching our own program on Friday, November 4 with the premiere of our episode on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and wanted to tie my blog into our new website. In order to make them connected, we gave my blog a makeover!!

Please don't think you are on the wrong blog! It is still me, Gina writing about our everyday life as we deal with PTSD. Stay tuned for a big announcement of our program and website in a day or two! Thanks for all of your support you have shown our family. We definitely wouldn't be where we are without the love and support we get from our family, friends, and community.

Even Now.......Gina

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

2011-11-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

The day is finally getting here!! We are all really excited to watch our episode on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition this Friday, November 4 on ABC!! It will be great to see how it all went down while we were having a great time in Yosemite.

I'm so excited to see how much awareness this episode will bring to PTSD and other mental illnesses. It is not only our hope that Allen will continue to do well here, but also that it will raise awareness and reduce the stigma associated with PTSD!! I truly hope that this episode will have a huge impact on our nation to help everyone struggling with these illnesses.

There are a couple of sneak peek's available and can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFBNkwNaZm8 and http://abc.go.com/watch/clip/extreme-makeover-home-edition/SH006334870000/PL5557254/VD55150498/hill-family-sneak-peek/promos . Grab your tissues, they are really emotional, at least for me!! Please feel free to share this blog post, sneak peeks, or anything else to get the word out on this important show!

Stay tuned later this week for some other exciting announcements!!

Even Now........Gina

Joplin: Finding Hope

2011-10-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today my family and I spent the day on the Extreme Makeover build site in Joplin, Missouri. It was so amazing getting to see the process from both sides. I was amazed at how quickly things progress on these sites!! One of the greatest things here though is to see the hope that these people have here. It is so inspiring to see people living through so much fear and devastation rise up and prosper.

It was also great seeing the production team again from our build and the designers. We had so much fun hanging out with them again. We were also able to meet many of the people that worked behind the scenes on our build which we never would have been able to see. They all seemed really happy to see us again as well and to see how well we are all doing. Many of them said how rare it is for them to get to see the families again after they leave and how great it is for them to see how well Allen is doing. They said they had really wondered how much the house had helped us and how Allen was doing. So it was great being here for many reasons!!

We found an organization here that is called The Hope Station. You can check them out at www.thehopestation.org and it will be worth your time! They have these amazing t-shirts that inspire hope and healing and the stories behind the people. They were here giving away t-shirts for hope! We got several different ones and plan to order some online as well. For every shirt they sell online, they give one away. Check them and their story out!!

We are all looking forward to being back on sight tomorrow!! It is at times a struggle for Allen as much of it still looks like a war zone. Seeing the hospital was very eery for him. However, he is a trooper and keeps pushing himself to get through it. I'm so proud of him and how well he is doing. He is regularly stepping out of his comfort zone and trying things he never would have a year ago. He amazes me often and inspires me even more. He's my hero!!

Even Now.......Gina

Keeping Quiet at Whose Expense

2011-10-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

It's normal for married people to fight, argue, bicker, disagree, or whatever you choose to call it. For Allen and I, it really is not an often occurrence. However, I often find myself keeping quiet about things that I probably shouldn't, in order to spare him. I worry that if I upset him, I may make him feel worse about himself than he already does. Or, that I might be the cause of him going into a depression. Or even, that if I say something, he may have some type of an episode.

I'm not sure when I completely started putting myself aside, but I did. This caregiving role makes it really hard to not lose yourself. I try really hard to take care of myself too, but sometimes that isn't as easy as it seems. I always think of how something is going to affect Allen before myself, and often even before my kids. Somethings just have to be said, in a respectful way obviously, without my fear of causing something negative for Allen. I try to protect him from so much, but really, in all honesty he is stronger and more resilient than I give him the credit for. He's ok and he's going to be ok. He can handle it. I just have to find that balance.

It's hard in any relationship to decide which battles to pick and which ones to let go. I've recently, very recently, discovered that this applies to husband and wife as well. We always talk about it in relation to our kids, but it also applies to us. I have to learn that it's ok for us to not agree on everything. Or for me to be able to tell him when something is bothering me without fearing that it will cause a negative response in him. I have to learn to trust him.

I've been doing this on my own now since 2005. It's hard to give up that control and learn that I can count on him for certain things. I think that we really do a pretty good job of communicating with each other most of the time, but I just have to build my confidence in him that he can handle it. It's time that I let him have some control back and shoulder some responsibilities. He definitely has taken on a lot more of this since coming home this time, but it's still hard to find that balance.

Just like everything in life, I am still a work in progress. I try to balance it all, but it's really hard sometimes in many ways. I have to trust that Allen is in a good place and really can handle more than I give him credit for. We can't work on us, if we can't talk to each other.

Even Now......Gina

Dream Journal

2011-10-05T16:49:00.000-07:00

While Allen and I were at the NICoE (National Intrepid Center of Excellence) in Bethesda in July, we had an amazing team of doctors and support staff there. One of those, Dr. Panetierre taught Allen something to try to help get rid of nightmares. Well, he has finally tried it, changed it a bit with the help of his psychologist here, and has had some success!

The basic concept is to write the dream out as a story. Get it down on paper as soon as possible after having the dream. If it is a recurring dream, you can probably write it anytime. Then, you rewrite the most traumatic part and change it just a little so that it is less traumatic. For example, if in your dream you are in a car accident that killed someone. Keep everything the same in the dream, but instead of the person dying, they get critically injured. So the accident still happens, just the most traumatic part is changed a little. Read this new story each night before you go to bed until you start dreaming the dream with the changed event. (This usually takes a couple of weeks.) Then, change it again, just a little more. Maybe the person is injured, but only goes to the hospital and then is released. Keep changing it little by little until the dream is tolerated better. It can be a long process but is a way you can control what happens in your dreams.

This is the main concept Allen has followed. However, instead of changing the parts of his dream, he puts in self affirming terms that help him realize he is safe. For example, Allen has a recurring dream of the night he was injured by the IED. He spent time writing it out and has started to reread it. When he feels that first tinge of anxiety, he puts something in that spot in the document that says, "You are safe now," or "You are back in the States," or "this is just a dream." He has several phrases he has come up with to write into those places that first start his rise in anxiety in reading his story. He then highlights them, puts them in a box, or makes them bold to make them stand out. They are the words he is initially drawn to when he reads through the dream. This process took him several days to be able to get through it without having a break down. But, he did it. Now he tries to read through it through out his day so that he is comfortable with it. It now isn't causing the feelings and anxiety it originally was creating. His nightmare has also been much less intense since doing this.

He now is creating a dream journal on his desktop to keep track of his nightmares and where he can do this with each one as he experiences it. He has several that seem to recur. This is neither a quick or easy process but Allen has experienced some success with it. Just thought I'd share.

Even Now.......Gina

Daddy Time

2011-10-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

It is so great to see Allen being a dad again. For so long, he simply watched as his life passed him by. He was a spectator in his own life. He missed so much even though he was here physically for part of that time, not to mention how much he missed while he was away.

Not only is this all bringing about a change in Allen, but also the boys. Dreyson is his daddy's shadow and gets his heart broken if his dad is doing something that he can't help him with. Makale is also reaping the benefits of having Allen to throw a football around with or play video games with. I see them all really forming bonds that have been missing for a really long time.

Hearing them all tell each other "I love you" is music to my ears. I don't think I go a day without hearing it between them. And, to have Allen initiate the sentiment is huge! My boys are learning it's ok to show good emotions to one another other than anger and frustration and their dad is leading the way!

Last weekend, Allen went out and taught Dreyson to ride his bike with no training wheels. Dreyson had been extremely resistant to this without his dad here to help him. He didn't trust me or his brother to help him. Now that his daddy could do it though, he got it on the first try and hasn't stopped since! Allen and him are going on regular bike rides around the neighborhood. Yesterday, he even took off with a couple of the neighbor boys all on their bikes. He's so proud of being able to ride it and that his Dad taught him how. It's amazing seeing his confidence grow as his relationship with his dad is blossoming.

Thank you to all of the programs, organizations, friends, and family who have supported us through this journey and helped us get to where we are today. We definitely are blessed and couldn't have done it without all of you!

Even Now.......Gina

Operation Finally Home and Governor Brownback

2011-09-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Allen, Frankie, and I had the honor of speaking with Kansas Governor Brownback at a meeting in his office set up by Dan Vargas and Operation Finally Home. It was a great opportunity for us in many ways and we can't say thank you enough to Dan Wallrath and Dan Vargas of Operation Finally Home. They have done so much for us and we are so excited to be a part of their family! It was so great to see them both and get to spend a little bit of time with them.

Operation Finally Home is an organization started by Dan Wallrath. Dan is a custom home builder and was asked to help remodel a house for a wounded warrior. Well, needless to say, he did that one and still does them today. They started in Texas but have now expanded into 5 other states as well. Part of this is also that they want to help these families succeed and do a great deal to insure this happens. For us, not only did they play a huge part in our build, they also are paying our insurance and taxes for the first 2 years on our house. This is how the meeting with Governor Brownback came into play.

Currently, a handful of states have great legislation that make their state a fantastic place for veteran's and their families to retire due to the benefits they offer. For example, if a 100% service connected disabled veteran retires in Texas, they pay no personal property tax. This is a huge draw for these families to retire in Texas, which in turn means they are spending money in Texas. It is a win-win situation! So, for Operation Finally Home who is paying taxes for the homes of disabled veteran's, it is important to get more states with benefits similar to Texas. Obviously, this would mean that the money Operation Finally Home is paying in taxes, could potentially be used to build more homes. Therefore, any state Operation Finally Home goes into to build a home, they try to set up meetings with the Governor's to start the conversations on getting the valuable legislation into that state.

During our build, Governor Brownback came out to help with our house. During this time, Dan Vargas was able talk to him and make the connection that led to our meeting yesterday in Topeka. We appreciate the fact that Dan V and Dan Wallrath both took the time to come up from Texas for this meeting. One of the corporate sponsors of Operation Finally Home also came to the meeting from Texas, so thank you to Mark from LP.

We all feel that our meeting went really well. We were excited to see that members of Gov Brownback's office had already pulled some numbers relative to our discussion. This makes us hopeful that they are really considering and looking at the possibility of giving some tax breaks to disabled veteran's in the state of Kansas. Gov Brownback had also invited our state's adjutant General to join us and it was great getting to meet him and have him involved in our discussion. Hopefully this will get the ball rolling here in Kansas to pass some legislation to help our veteran's.

Thanks again to Operation Finally Home for bringing us into your family and doing so much for us and all the veteran's you serve!!

Even Now.....Gina

The Thief PTSD

2011-09-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me how quickly PTSD can come in and steal whatever it wants to from my husband. Allen is in such a good place right now, but we still have those days where I am caught off guard from the ugly PTSD. I guess I get fooled a little, let my guard down a little too much, because of how well he really is doing. I know that he is not cured, nor will he ever be. However, this will never take away my hope for remission and that he will not have to fight this every single day the rest of his life.

Since we've been home, he's been doing amazingly well. Considering all of the adjustments we've been through the last 6 weeks, he's done phenomenal. However, I see him struggling at times, and I know that he's working really hard not to struggle or to let anyone see him struggle. I'm pretty certain that many people may even think he is cured he's been doing so well. He seems happier than he's been since coming home from Iraq. He's engaging in conversations, initiating contact with people, laughing, smiling, socializing. From the outside looking in, most of the time, he looks pretty "normal."

This week though has been more rough. He's still doing very well, don't get me wrong. And, I know we are going to have bad days and possibly even a bad week here and there. I just don't want these bad days to start multiplying into bad weeks and even months. A couple of nights ago he had a pretty bad night. He literally jumped out of bed twice with nightmares. He was disoriented and into a dissociation. Thankfully, he quickly came out of them, with the help of Frankie, but was definitely rattled. This now has somewhat carried over into today. I noticed him scanning the windows earlier and not responding to me. Frankie noticed too and jumped up to him and got his attention. He's resting now, and hopefully that will take care of it. I've also noticed he seems a little less confident than he had, and even a little down about it. I think he's scared of spiraling downward. He has the tools to not let this happen this time though, and he is doing a great job of using those tools.

It just always catches me off guard how quickly PTSD can come and steal his confidence, security, and self worth. It's similar to someone coming home to their house being broken into and along with their personal belongings being taken, their security is gone as well. PTSD does that. Not only does it knock them down and back to a terrifying time in their life, it steals their security, their confidence, and so much more. It is quick, and dark, and debilitating. It often strikes with no warning and leaves devastation in its wake.

We refuse to let it steal him away again. It's done that enough times already. The difference this time is that Allen has the tools to get himself through this. He is able to look at what it is from a much different perspective than he could a year ago. I might have to prompt him to redirect himself and ask him what he can do to not let this ruin his day. But, with my simple prompt, he knows what to do. It's amazing to see the difference. We are going to win!

Even Now.....Gina

A Year Ago

2011-09-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, my sister and I flew Allen across the country to California to be admitted into The Pathway Home. I remember that period in my life like it was yesterday. A lot has happened in this last year, and we've come a long way.

Allen retreating into his computer shortly
before going to California for treatment.

The place Allen was at when we left home was the worst I had ever seen him. He was struggling everyday to simply live. He was fighting for his life. He was scared to death he was going to hurt one of us and knew that if he did he would never be able to live with himself. He was struggling not to take his own life in hopes of preventing something else from happening that scared him even more. We easily could have been one of the tragic stories that make national headlines of combat veteran's going on terrifying and often deadly rampages. Thankfully, we had a different outcome.

Allen's 11 months away was a lot of hard work for him as well as missing out on a lot at home. He missed everyone's birthday, the holidays, our anniversary, Makale getting his learner's permit, Dreyson's numerous plays including the big one at Starlight theatre with Lou Diamond Phillips, Makale's track season, and numerous other things that happen in a year for a family. However, he was a trooper and put in the hard work it took to get to a much better place.

With him being away, we also missed him. We drew comfort from the fact that he was in a safe place that could help him get better. But, that didn't take up the hurt in our heart of being separated from him once again. While he missed out on tons we were doing, we missed out on the progress and hard work he was doing. We weren't there to celebrate with him the milestones he was making.

However, in the realm of the rest of our lives, a year was a small sacrifice to make. Allen put in so much hard work, dedication, determination, and resilience to get better so that he could live at home and be an active part in our family again. In the 6 weeks he's been home, I've seen more of the man I married than I have in the last 4 years. He truly is in a much better place. He's actively parenting our boys, helping with homework, housework, and just engaged with all of us again. Do not let that fool you though, he still very much struggles with his PTSD. He's not cured, just better.

While I really struggled with decisions regarding his care a year ago today, I can say I definitely made the right choice. It was incredibly hard getting on that plane to fly to California, but I am so glad we did. Sometimes, we have to go through these difficult choices to get to the other side. I know that we will always have mountains to climb, but there is light on the other side.

Happy to have my husband and best friend home and, for the boys to have their dad back!!

Even Now..........Gina

Reconnecting with Roberto

2011-09-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

This last weekend, Allen and I were able to reconnect with the man who raised Frankie, Roberto. We were blessed to spend a day with him in April of 2009 while we filmed a segment for the Oprah show. It was one of the most amazing days of my life and one that has greatly influenced my life ever since.

I've written about that day before, but felt the need to write more about Roberto and what an amazing guy he is. He put so much love, work, and time into Frankie and that love has come through in a big way to our family. Frankie wouldn't do the things she does for Allen had it not been for Roberto. I have no doubt that it was an extremely difficult thing for him to say goodbye to Frankie. I'm sure he still misses her. For all intensive purposes, she was his baby. Yet, he said goodbye to her so that she could come live with us to be Allen's best friend and partner. Not an easy thing to do.

Until last weekend, we hadn't heard anything from Roberto since that day in April 2009. Then he was incarcerated and had been for nearly half his life. We have often shared his story when we talked about Frankie and regularly thought about him and wondered how he was doing. In June 2009 he was released from Fishkill Correctional Facility. We were so happy for him and looking forward to hearing from him. Well, we finally got that chance!!

I am so happy to report that he is doing great!! We've been emailing, facebooking, and even talked on the phone over the weekend. It is so great to form a relationship with him. We consider him a part of our family and can now really nurture that relationship. To read more about what he is doing with his life follow this link http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/bronx/2011/08/18/2011-08-18_helping_youth_avoid_sad_life_he_led.html . He is truly an inspiration.

The Oprah show is also doing a follow up on the story they did on Puppies Behind Bars in 2009. They have been filming with Roberto and interviewed us on the phone. It is supposed to air sometime next month on the OWN network. It will definitely be worth your time to try to watch it and learn more about Roberto and how he changed his life!

Roberto, we are so happy to have you in our life! What you did for Allen, (and Frankie), has forever changed our lives. You will always be a part of our life and we will forever be grateful for all you gave for us. Thank you!

Even Now......Gina

One Thing I Have Learned

2011-09-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

I've learned so much about myself since Allen's injury. One of the biggest things I have learned though is to not be judgemental. I didn't think that I was judgemental before, but now I know I really was. And, I'm sure that I still am to some degree. However, this something that I am constantly reminding myself of and working on to make myself a better person.

It sickens me to over hear people's conversations while out in public. People can be so rude and not even know they are being rude. Today Allen and I stopped by a store on our way home from his doctor's appointment. We are pretty used to getting comments and questions about Frankie so people talking to us or watching us isn't too out of the normal. However, the comments that I hear sometimes are really rude and tend to stay with me. I know I should just let them go, but I have a hard time doing that. Today we were standing in line to check out. We were the 3rd people in line and Allen was having a hard time being in the line. So, I gave him the keys so he could go on out to the truck and wait for me. The line in this particular store is one line and it is all blocked in and you have to go through the entire line to get up to the registers. Instead of going all the way back through the line, he excused himself and walked past the 2 women in front of us and then out the door to the truck. He was polite, said excuse me and everything. After watching him get completely out the door, woman #1 turns to woman #2 in front of me and says, "why in the world did he just come all the way through the line to get to the door?" Obviously she didn't know he was with me. And really, it wasn't anything that I should take personal but it made me really mad. I didn't say anything to her, but really wish I would have.

I just wish people would realize that everyone has issues and no one is better than the next guy. I wrote this much of this entry a few days ago and have let it sit here, not sure if I wanted to post it or not. I felt strongly that I needed to write something about this topic, just wasn't sure this is the way I wanted to go. Just a few minutes ago, I found another post about this same topic. I just think it says it much better than I did. So, here is the link to it. Please take the time to read it. It might just might change your life. http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151 If it gives you something to think about, please leave me a comment!

Even Now.........Gina

Tips for Traveling with a Service Dog

2011-09-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

Traveling with a service dog can be a bit of a challenge at times, but with good planning and knowing what to expect, it should go smoothly. My husband Allen has had his service dog for almost 3 years now and we have traveled quite a bit with her in tow. We have learned some tips to help the traveling days go smoother and I was asked to write some of them down. So, here they are.

Tips for flying with a service dog:

When making your flight reservations, always inform them that you will be flying with a service dog. They can not charge you extra for your dog to fly with you, but we have found that it always goes smoother when they are expecting you.
On the day you are going to fly, do not feed your dog! We always give Frankie a little late night snack the night before just because we feel sorry for her. But the morning we are going to fly, we do not feed her or give her any water. That way, if we do not have time to take her out to do her business, she doesn't have much in her tummy to need to go. As soon as we get to our final destination we have her food and a drink ready. By doing this, she is able to go the day without having to relieve herself. It will also reduce the chances of her getting sick for those that are prone to motion sickness.
Call TSA ahead of time to make arrangements with them to help you through security. The phone number I use is 703-603-1558 or 1-800-427-7890. Tell them you are going to be traveling with a wounded warrior who has a service dog and will need help going through security. This has been a life saver for us. I usually try to call 24 hours in advance.
One of the most important things is to know the ADA laws about service dogs and their access. We usually carry a copy of the law with us in case we are questioned. That way we have the law with us, so we are prepared to educate!
Every airport is required to have a place to relieve service dogs. However, many of these are in a dark corner or very far away from the terminal so we often do not have time between flights to take advantage of them. We almost always have to exit security and then go through security again to get back in. So, we try to avoid this at all costs.

For traveling in a car I follow many of the same rules. If we are not going to be stopping regularly, we often will not feed her the morning we are going to travel. This helps cut down on stops we have to make. However, we do still try to stop somewhat frequently so that she has a chance to get out and stretch her legs. Allen usually has some type of ball with us too so that he can throw her a ball for a few minutes when we do stop. This helps her get in a little exercise and not be so restless in the car. Something to always remember, depending on what time of the year you are traveling, the pavement may be really hot or really cold and your dog may not be used to that. Always keep that in mind, as you do not want to damage your dog's pads on their feet. This is where their sweat glands are and can cause serious problems if they get burnt or even frost bite.

A great site that has many more tips for traveling can be found at http://www.deltasociety.org/Page.aspx?pid=492. One last thing to keep in mind is do not panic if your dog has an accident while out in public. We have been very lucky with this, but have had one incident in an airport where Frankie did have an accident. Allen just took the time to clean up after her and it was fine. As well trained as service dogs are, we do have to keep in mind they are still a dog. By keeping calm and just cleaning it up, it draws less attention and seems to keep others calm as well. Even if someone says something, just remember that not everyone has been educated about service dogs.

Remembering 9-11

2011-09-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

I tried to write this yesterday on the actual anniversary but just couldn't seem to get anything down. It was a day filled with reflection and emotion. A day that always causes me to pause, count my blessings, and look back at the day that changed America forever. When the events unfolded 10 years ago, I remember exactly what I was doing and the range of emotions that ran through me. However, I never would have guessed how much that day was truly going to impact the rest of my life.

Ten years ago, I was teaching at a small K-12 school in the middle of a cornfield. I was teaching 7/8 grade social studies and english and happened to be in my first hour english class when I learned about what was happening. I remember going outside later in the morning and seeing how beautiful the day was. The sky was so blue and peaceful until we noticed all of the plane vapor trails circling the sky. Makale remembers me not letting him go outside to play that day, but not understanding why.

In some ways, my life was so simple until that day. I was a single mom, working on buying my own house, and really living a pretty content life. I had recently "met" Allen, although we had not met in person. He was deployed at the time of the attacks. Never in a million years, would I have pictured what my life would look like in 10 years.

I knew that day that all of America would change. I knew that the freedom so many of us took for granted would be more appreciated. I loved the patriotism that was brought out because of that day. The way American's came together to help one another was incredible. Our resilience was amazing. However, I never knew how much my own life would be changed because of that one day.

That one day changed my life forever. Instead of teaching a classroom full of kids, I am now a full time caregiver for my husband who was critically injured in Iraq almost four years ago. Had the attacks not happened, my husband most likely would not have been deployed to a combat zone. He may have faced a deployment, but that is even questionable. In reality though, he faced 2 combat deployments which left him a completely different person. The man who came home from war, was not the man I sent off to war. And, all of this, is in direct relation to the deadly attacks that happened on 9/11/2001.

When I look at my life and how it changed since the attacks 10 years ago, I am a little bit overwhelmed. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be. With that being said, through all of the tragedy my family has personally faced, we are still very blessed. We have Allen home with us after many long separations, deployments, treatment centers, and hospitals. We were recently blessed with a new home, and have a community that supports us. I have learned through all of this that I have to be willing to step out of my comfort zone in order to help others and to learn and grow. I have embraced all of this and grown leaps and bounds in my own personal life. Not only is my husband a much different person than he was before war, so am I. We have learned to embrace this and make the most out of any situation, no matter how grim it may be. We have learned to love one another through good times and bad. But most importantly, we have learned to lean on God and to trust Him to work it all out. God has a plan for all of us, we just have to be willing to trust in Him and to listen to know what that plan is.

My heart and prayers go out to all of those personally touched in any way by the attacks of 9/11. I pray that you all find peace and feel the love of God in your life.

Even Now.........Gina

Erase the Stigma

2011-08-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Allen and I traveled to St. Louis where I was the keynote speaker at a conference titled Erase the Stigma. It was an amazing weekend and we were able to meet a lot of people who came from that area and volunteered all week on our build. They are a great group of people and I am so honored to call them all friends.

The conference went great. I was a bit worried when we went up to the venue on Friday so Allen could acclimate himself a little and he had a really hard time there. He couldn't stop scanning, standing against the wall, and had a hard time staying here. However, he did it and then Saturday he was so much better. I was so proud of him! He is facing his fears everyday and conquering them!! (I do have to say though, that Allen is not cured of his PTSD, it is something he will struggle with the rest of his life. However, he is in a really good place right now with it.)

The morning started out with me sharing the same speech that I shared on Capitol Hill last May. I had made a few minor changes, but it was basically the same speech. I have given several versions of this speech now and I never know whether it will make me emotional or not. Saturday, it made me extremely emotional, and it was difficult at times to get through it. I think that was due to the fact that Allen and my sister Chris were there as well as Kevin and Emily Smith, John Steed and many other friends. Normally when I speak, it is only in front of strangers. However, it still went well. We then moved into a more relaxed, conversational part of the session. Tom Smith, of the Karla Smith Foundation, interviewed me and it went really well. I was able to relax and just be myself during this part of the morning. At the end of the question and answer period, Allen even got up and spoke for a few minutes. It was great to see him step out of his comfort zone and share a little of his own story.

The afternoon was another question and answer period. I really liked that there were such a variety of people there. I was able to speak to caregivers, family members, veteran's, consumers, medical providers and people who work at the VA. It was great to get to give my opinion on what medical providers could do differently to make it better for caregivers and the patient. I felt it was all really well received as well. We had lots of positive feedback.

I want to specifically thank a couple of spouse's who came to hear me speak. Rayshell and Olivia-having you both there to hear our story was very special to me. Please remember that I am always here for both of you!! Olivia, thanks for driving so far!!

A great resource for any of you helping to support a loved one with a mental illness, including PTSD, please go to www.karlasmithfoundation.org .

Even Now......Gina

Together Again

2011-08-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

After almost a year apart, we are finally back together again as a family!! On July 31, 2011 our lives changed dramatically! Thanks to our amazing community, family, friends, MAC Construction, Canyon Creek Homes, Extreme Makeover Home Edition and many, many others, we received the gift of a lifetime, a new home! It was the one thing that was keeping us separated, and on August 6th we came home together to see it for the first time.

Before I go any further, I also have to thank my dear friend Emily Smith, who worked her tail off (and also lied her tail off to me), in helping nominate us and then continue through the journey of all of it. She organized all of the volunteers and did numerous other things that I probably will never know about. I love you Emily, and I am honored and humbled by your friendship! You truly are one of the many blessings I have received that I never would have had, if Allen hadn't been injured. You are one in a million, and I will always consider you a dear friend.

Another dear friend that I want to thank is John Steed. He's been an amazing blessing in our lives and also contributed hugely to our new home. John, you are an amazing friend to us and you always give so much. We are honored to call you our friend and our lives are blessed just knowing you.

Many, many people greatly contributed and we are eternally grateful.

As I said, July 31 was the day it all changed. It was the day of the door knock when we heard Good Morning Hill Family and ran out the door to see Ty Pennington, Paul DiMeo, Paige Hemmis, John Littlefield, and Ed Sanders coming to our door. It was unbelievable and very surreal. It is still hard to believe that this happened to us!! We were then whisked away to California to meet up with Allen and begin our life together, again!

Seeing Allen again was the best part!! Don't get me wrong, it was all very exciting and great, but it had been so long since we had all been together. At times throughout this treatment, it had seemed that we may never be back together again as a real family. So, this day was so special and a day I will hold near to my heart forever.

After spending a day in Napa, we all went on an adventurous road trip to Yosemite National Park. I am not allowed to say much, but it was incredible. The natural beauty there and being able to look around and just see God's creation left me speechless. We did a lot of great things together as a family and it was so amazing watching it all unfold. Dreyson was glued to his daddy's side and was so thrilled to be with him again. Makale took it all in and was also happy to have his dad back with us again.

Saturday, August 6 we were back in Kansas again. Watching Allen ride in the limo, just trying to take it all in made me really reflect on our life the past year. It was a great feeling to experience it all with him again and to have him really enjoy it all. There was a lot of anxiety and anticipation as we waited to come see our new home. When we finally pulled up in that limo, we were beyond words. I was really worried about Allen and how he would handle the crowd. I was so awed by his strength during this part of it. He had the option of not having a crowd there at all but he chose to have them there. He knew it would be very difficult for him, but he wouldn't take that from the community who had worked so hard for us, just to make it easier for him. He asked for a few special things, like silence and the limo to not pull away so that he had a barrier between him and the crowd. But then, he even gave the ok for the limo to leave. It was truly an amazing moment and one that was so emotional for everyone there. When the bus finally moved, we were all stunned. I think maybe shocked is a better word! Allen then looked like he was going to pass out so I hugged him for a long moment. He then said he was ok and then the tears started flowing. Allen cried and cried as he took it all in. Eventually, we started up the driveway and we all stopped and he turned around to face the crowd and waved and said thank you. Ty then asked if it was ok for the crowd to cheer and Allen said it was. So, Ty gave the signal and the crowd went nuts. It was truly inspiring. To see the support we have with our own eyes, just made me beyond words. Makale leaned over to Allen and said, "see, you can do crowds!"

The whole thing was just so emotional. We've been in the house almost 3 weeks now and it is still hard to believe. We love it and having Allen home is awesome! He is doing really well and learning to fit in with us again. It is great seeing him interact with all of us again and take the time to rebuild his relationships with us. He is so much better, better than I've seen him in almost 4 years. Having a safe place to live will only help keep him well and encourage him to remain active and give back for all we have been given.

For a beautiful slide show of the week of the build click on this link http://kgauthierphotography.myshowit.com/emhe/index.html . Thank you Kate Gauthier for this beautiful look into the building of our home.

Thanks again to everyone involved in helping to bring Allen home!

Even Now.........Gina

Allen: My Hero

2011-07-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write here since I came back from DC, but life just keeps getting in the way. I feel like I have missed the entire summer with the boys, so we've been trying to get as much in as we can in the short time we have left before school starts again! I don't think any of us are ready for that first day, but I guess it will come whether we are ready or not!

I'm so happy to be able to say that Allen is in a great place right now, he's more stable than I've seen him in at least the last three years, if not since his injury in 2007. It was great being able to spend some much needed time with him while we were in the DC area getting testing and treatment done. Being able to just focus on him and what he needs and how much work he has put in over the last 11 months was just what we needed. We definitely missed the boys, but it was really nice being able to just be us for a few weeks, before adding in the responsibilities of parenting and everything that goes along with having a family!

It is very obvious that Allen has put in so much work while he has been away. I know that it has not been easy for him at all and that he has had to face a lot of things that he had no intention of facing, but he did it and is so much better because of it. I am constantly in awe of his strength and courage in facing the demons he is so haunted by. It is amazing to see how much trauma he has faced in his life, but yet he still finds the strength, determination, and courage to go back to those times and relive them in order to get better. I am so thankful that he wants to be better. That is probably the key to all of this. We are so blessed!

With all of this being said, he will by all means still have his struggles. I'm sure there will be set backs along our life, but he is willing to do what it takes to get better and he NEVER gives up! I know that the reintegration will not be easy for any of us, but it will be so good to have him home again. It will be so nice to be able to be together as a family again. Hopefully this will be the last big separation we all have, but if it isn't I'm confident that we will all be able to do what is necessary in order to keep us all safe and well.

I'm so proud of you Honey!!! You are a great role model for our boys and a true hero to us all. Thank you for your service to our great country, and for showing us what it means to be a hero!

Even Now.........Gina

NICoE Discharge

2011-07-14T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today we had our predischarge meeting and received the rest of the results from all of the testing that Allen has underwent the last 3 weeks. There were not any big surprises for us, although they did change his diagnosis here from mild TBI to a severe. This did surprise me, but at the same time, it really doesn't change anything with his care.

Tomorrow we will have his final discharge meeting. While in many ways I am sad to be finished here and I do think we could actually benefit from a few more days of what they offer, it will be good to have it done and be heading back home. He will undergo one more test in the morning for vestibular, and then head back over to Walter Reed for a follow up with the sleep doctor there. We will then get a treatment plan, something we've never had since his injury. I think we are both really excited about that!!

So, some other things that have happened here. Allen came in with a very extensive medication list, one that all the doctors here were not too thrilled with. They all, very early on, talked with us about reducing this list. Well, I am happy to say, through these 3 weeks, he has been taken off of 4 medications completely!! And, even better than that, they were completely taken away, not replaced with something else!! He has also had the dosage of one dropped in half, and we are beginning to titrate another one down, with the hopes of getting that dosage greatly decreased. He did have a couple that the dosage went up on, but we also have hopes of possibly getting off of a couple of other ones. So, we are both very happy with this part of his plan!!

One of my favorite parts of the process is the ability to try out many different options for helping relieve stress. We tried one yesterday called heartmath that we both loved!! I will be blogging about this one in the near future to provide you all with more information on this!

One of the best things for Allen has been the reduction in his pain. The second day here he received some nerve block injections in his head to reduce his headaches and has not had a headache since! This is so huge for him. He also this week had injections in each knee and his knee pain is now greatly reduced. He did find out that he has a tear in his meniscus in one knee and we will get results for the other knee tomorrow. Just seeing how much reducing his pain has done for him has been incredible. He seems like he has taken about 20 years off of his life.

Another thing he had the chance to do that he loved was a range simulator. He was able to us a service rifle and a 9 mil. It was actually really good for both of us. It gave me a lot more confidence in him and his potential to be around fire arms again at some point. Since we live in the midwest, hunting is such a huge part of our culture. Every body does it!! I also had the chance to shoot the 9 mil today and did really well. I had never shot a hand gun before and my shot group was within the size of a quarter! (I was told that was excellent!)

For any of you who are struggling with TBI and PTSD, and are still on Active Duty, I highly recommend you check into going to the NICoE. It is a unique and incredible experience. We are both so thankful that we were given this opportunity.

Even Now.......Gina

NiCOE

2011-07-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we began our second week here at NiCOE (National Intrepid Center of Excellence), at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center post in Maryland. This has been an amazing opportunity that I am so glad we have given. We are definitely doing our best to take full advantage of all it has to offer.

First off, I just want to say that all of the staff here has been amazing. I love the fact that they are all a team, and communicate with each other daily, about Allen and what he needs. Another thing that I love is that they consider him a part of the team, not just the patient. He is considered an intricate, and valuable part of the team with a voice!! Why isn't all medical care this way??

So far, Allen has had lots of testing and interview type appointments. He has also though, had the chance to try several types of different therapies. One of the Occupational Therapists told him today that one of the great and unique things about NiCOE is that there are always alternatives, and alternatives for the alternatives! They keep searching for things that work with each individual until they find what works. On the first day, he was trying acupuncture, something he had never tried before. On the second day, he was given a series of injections in his head to relieve headaches. The next day he woke up without a headache, the first time in almost 4 years! If we get nothing else out of this, just that was well worth it!! Can you imagine what it would be like to be headache free after almost 4 years of a constant headache? Indescribable!!

I am so excited about the possibilities that this could all lead to. I see the hope for greater independence for Allen as well the hope for a more productive, stable, and peaceful life. This would help all of us in so many ways! Of course, we still have the house thing to figure out, but I have no doubt that will all work out as well!

On a little bit of a different note, being back to together with Allen after not seeing him for 10 months has been wonderful, but also a bit of an adjustment. In many ways, we've had to figure each other out again. He's done a lot of changing while in the program in California, and it's been a work in progress figuring out what he can manage on his own, and what he may still need help with. It's been really awkward at times, which is really awkward in and of itself. It shouldn't be awkward being with my husband!! I'm happy to say though, that we are figuring it out and learning to communicate with each other again. We are beginning to click, and it feels good!! It makes me really want him to be home again. Hopefully it won't be much longer before we have a home for us all to be together again as a family!!

Even Now..........Gina

Walter Reed, Again

2011-06-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

This week I made the trek from Kansas to California, spent the night, then flew with Allen and Frankie from Sacramento to Washington DC. My head was spinning with just trying to figure out what time zone I was in!! It was so amazing seeing Allen again, but at the same time a little awkward. We hadn't seen each other at all since September so it was much like a reunion after a deployment. And yes, it is awkward just admitting that seeing your husband is awkward!

I was a little bit anxious about traveling with Allen all the way across the country after not having been around him for so many months. However, the day was very uneventful and Allen and Frankie both did great! I am super proud of how well Allen handled all of it as I know it was stressful for him. We arrived on Monday afternoon and got checked into the Mologne House (the hotel on the campus of Walter Reed that the families and many outpatients stay in.) We spent the night in my room, and then Tuesday morning went over to the hospital to get Allen checked in. He is now an in patient on Ward 58 until Monday. They hooked him up to the video EEG and then got him settled back into his room.

The schedule here is crazy! That first night, there were people in his room until 7:45 at night! It was a long and exhausting day and the next day was about the same. They are giving him the full TBI workup as well as doing a sleep study tonight and a slew of other tests. So far, that is all that has been going on. I know that much of this is really difficult for Allen, but aside from a few mood swings, he is handling like a champ!

On Monday afternoon, Allen will be discharged and then we will move to The Fisher House at Bethesda Naval. He will then be an out patient at the NiCOE (National Intrepid Center of Excellence) where they will do further testing and come up with a treatment plan for him, something he has never really had! I'm anxious and excited to see what all of this shows and the plan they come up with. I'm also ready to see what the sleep doctor has to say after his sleep study tonight. He is said to be one of the best sleep doctors in the country and we really like him. He was very hopeful in being able to help Allen with his sleep which in turn should help with everything else.

Coming back to Walter Reed was full of emotions for both of us I think. For Allen, it caused a lot of anxiety and dread. He was worried that we would get stuck here for several months, like we did when he was initially injured. For me, it was both good and bad. I was nervous about being thrown back into full time caregiving after being apart for so long. However, I was excited about the possibilities of what these tests and all could mean for getting Allen better. I also was excited to be able to reconnect with some friends in the area, which will hopefully happen. We have several friends here that we made last time we were here as well as other's we have met along this journey. It will be great to get to see some of them as it's been a really long time. The other nice thing about coming back here is that it is familiar which helps both of us. Unfamiliar places are a trigger for Allen and I get nervous trying to find my way around. Coming back here to Walter Reed though is almost like coming home, just because we were here for so long before. It is nice to be back, especially since it is for a short time.

Another benefit in all of this is that it will serve as Allen's TDRL exam. (For those non military, Allen was temporarily retired from the military. This is because when he was retired, his condition was not considered stable. So they temporarily retired him, which is not uncommon, to see if he condition would stabilize. He can stay on this status for 5 years with a required exam every year until they deem his condition stable.) This will hopefully be made permanent after this first exam, which his team feels will be. They explained to me that 85% of the first year exams are then made permanent. This would be a huge relief, especially for Allen, as he is very worried about losing benefits. With a 90% rating from the military it is doubtful that he would lose benefits, but never the less, is a huge burden for him to carry.

I am constantly amazed by the people I meet and the new information I learn from the amazing people within this community of wounded warriors. We are both very confident in the provider's we have here this time and have once again been touched by other families and service member's going down this road. I have met some of the strongest, most determined, most caring people along this journey that have given me strength and courage to continue on. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful people who continue to come into our lives.

Even Now........Gina

My Crazy Life Just Got a Little Crazier

2011-06-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I blogged or at least I've slowed down on my posts lately. I've been crazy busy and have not had time to be on the computer at all. So, lots of updates I need to write about!!

First of all, Dreyson has kept me incredibly busy running him to rehearsal's at Starlight Theatre which is an hour drive from our house. He has rehearsal everyday for his role in the upcoming musical, The King and I which is starring Lou Diamond Phillips as the King. Dreyson is loving every minute of it and I think I am getting more worn out than he is!!

Next, we have sold our house! This is both good and bad. The good news is that we sold our house in this economy pretty quickly. The bad news is that as of June 10 we will be homeless. We originally were not supposed to close on our house until July 1, but today that all got moved up because of some stuff with Allen, which I'll explain in a minute. So, for now, the boys and I will be staying with family for awhile. We are frantically packing and moving stuff to storage in between trips to Starlight. Panic is beginning to set in!!

Now, for Allen. When I was in DC in May, I met Gen Chiarelli who offered assistance to us in getting Allen some much needed help. His office has arranged for him to go back to Walter Reed and then onto Bethesda for his TDRL exam, and to get some further testing and a better treatment plan in place. We will both be placed on Invitational Travel Order's as he cannot travel alone or be left alone. I will be his NMA and we are supposed to plan on being there for 3-4 weeks. They originally wanted us to go next week, but I had to have a couple of weeks to finish this house sale and get Dreyson through The King and I. The boys will be staying here with family, so once again, we will all be separated again. However, hopefully this will be a huge step in getting Allen some further testing and some much needed answers.

Just like everything else we've been through, we will get through all of this as well and be stronger and a closer family when we are on the other side. I just hope that after all of this and we get a new home, our life will get a little less chaotic and more peaceful.

Even Now.......Gina

Strike Out Stigma

2011-05-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

Here is a letter I'm sending out to all of my friends to invite them to get involved in this amazing organization that is near and dear to my heart! Please consider attending the event or making a donation if you can't attend. Thanks so much!!

Dear Friends,

As some of you may know, I am an active volunteer with an organization called Bring Change 2 Mind (www.bringchange2mind.org). Bring Change 2 Mind, founded by Glenn Close, is dedicated to eliminating the stigma of mental illness. Though mental illness is something that we don't like to talk about, 1 in 4 people in our country suffer with a mental health problem like depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder. Of that number, only approximately 20% receive the help and support they need to lead healthy and productive lives. Bring Change 2 Mind knows that it is possible to live an active and happy life, even with a mental illness, and as an organization, we are committed to helping the public at large understand and respond to those who suffer. Many people are fearful of even the words, "mental illness." Our media portrays those with mental illness as violent, prone to criminal activity, unproductive and frightening. But the truth is, many people living around you, people that you live with, work with or socialize with, suffer silently with mental health problems. They are afraid to seek help due to stigma. As a friend, I am asking you to help Bring Change 2 Mind eliminate this debilitating stigma that prevents people that you may know and love from actualizing their full potential and living healthy lives. Please take a look at our first public service announcement, filmed in Grand Central Station under the direction of Ron Howard. Glenn Close and her sister Jessie Close are featured in this PSA as they speak out about mental illness.

I am very excited to share with you that on June 18th, 2011, Bring Change 2 Mind is taking our anti-stigma message to Citi Field for our first "Strike Out Stigma" event with the New York Mets. We have reserved 500 group seats available for $43.00 per ticket. Seats include a BC2M logo t-shirt, the opportunity to attend a special pre-game address with Glenn Close, and so much more. It's going to be a wonderful day at the ballpark, and we ask you to consider attending. Tickets are available on our website at www.bringchange2mind.org. Rally your friends and come along to join us for this fun and inspiring day at Citi Field!

I am also asking you to consider a financial gift to Bring Change 2 Mind. A contribution in any amount will help Bring Change 2 Mind continue to create innovative approaches to stigma elimination. Every dollar that Bring Change 2 Mind receives is put to good use educating our communities at large about this illness that affects all of us, directly or indirectly. I know that you are solicited for charitable giving often, and I appreciate your consideration of my ask. I am committed to Bring Change 2 Mind, and I can assure you that your funds will be used responsibly. I have attached a donation form for your completion. This form along with your gift may be mailed to Bring Change 2 Mind at the address provided on the form. Please also note that contributions are 100% tax deductible, and Bring Change 2 Mind will provide you with appropriate documentation for your tax purposes following our June 18th event.

Thank you for helping us make our "Strike Out Stigma" event a success! We appreciate your interest in our mission, and we look forward to sharing our successes with you along the way.

With Gratitude,

Gina

Amazing God

2011-05-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

One thing this trip to DC constantly reminded me of is how awesome our God is! Time and time again I felt His presence. From the first flashback emotions of getting on that plane alone flying to DC until my plane trip home I was in awe.

Both legs of my flight I had a seat next to amazing women that both blessed me and amazed me. The first one was a lady who had recently been involved in an event at the Mologne House at Walter Reed for wounded warrior spouses. She said she had been truly touched by that day and was really questioning her career path. I was able to share a bit of my story with her during the flight to Atlanta. It was like God knew just what we each needed. Having someone kind to talk to right next to me was great for me since I get anxious simply about who may end up next to me on a flight and I was in the center seat! So, Terria, you blessed me as much as I blessed you!!

On my flight from Atlanta to KC, again I was in the middle seat and facing anxiety over who I would be stuck between. Soon, this wonderful lady came and sat next to me and I soon began to relax. It's not the flying that bothers me, but who I may have to sit beside! (I know, I'm kind of weird like that!) I quickly discovered that she HATES flying and was extremely anxious about it. I also quickly learned that she is a strong Christian! We talked the majority of the flight and again, I think we were a each a blessing to the other. She lost her husband in Afghanistan almost a year ago and was flying back to Ft. Leavenworth to pick up her daughter from K-State. She shared with me that this was the first she had flown anywhere since her husband's death and that this was something he normally would have taken care of. We had an amazing talk, stiff necks and all! (We both had stiff necks from constantly turning toward each other to chat!)

These ladies both blessed me in different ways. This also reminded me that God puts people in our lives, whether just in passing, or to stay awhile, for many different purposes. It reminded me once again that God is in complete control of this crazy world and we just have to trust Him to provide who and what we need at just the right time!

Even Now......Gina

National Mental Health Awareness on the Hill

2011-05-13T14:57:00.000-07:00

This week was amazing in so many ways. I stepped out of my comfort zone once again and shared my story in the Cannon Office Building on Capitol Hill Thursday morning. Every time I think about these 3 days, I just can't believe it all went so well. I also can't believe that I am beginning to very much enjoy public speaking. That is something I never thought I would say!

I am so exhausted right now, but my mind is spinning with so many different directions I want to take this blog. I think for this one I am mostly going to share the link to my blog post about the event that I wrote on the AW2 blog. You can find that post here http://aw2.armylive.dodlive.mil/2011/05/giving-a-voice-to-post-traumatic-stress-on-capitol-hill/

The other thing I want to say is how excited I am to see our military leaders and some of our Members of Congress truly reaching out and trying to help make a difference in the lives of those affected by mental illness, especially our service members and veteran's suffering from the invisible wounds.

The panel I was part of included some amazing people, Gen Chiarelli, BG Williams, Col Gadson, SGM Gallagher, and fellow spouse Sherri Hall. They all shared very personal accounts and it was clear how passionate they are for families like ours. What a renewal this gave me in my desire to advocate for other families caring for a loved one with invisible wounds. At one point, Gen Chiarelli actually apologized to me for calling them the invisible wounds, because he knows that to those who love someone with these types of wounds, they are visible.

I'm so tired so I'm going to end this blog now. Please check out my post on the AW2 blog linked to above and feel free to comment! There will definitely be more to come in the next few days about this trip!

General Chiarelli and myself at the end of the event. It was truly an honor to meet him!

Even Now.......Gina

Speaking on The Hill

2011-05-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

I have an amazing opportunity this week. Late last week I was asked to come speak on PTSD and mental illness at Capitol Hill. It is a gathering in honor of National Mental Health Awareness Day in the Cannon Senate Building. Members of the PTSD caucus and Mental Illness Caucus will be in attendance as well as several higher ranking military members.

This opportunity both excites me and causes great anxiety. I strongly feel that if we ever want things within the wounded warrior community to change for the better, we have to be willing to share our stories every time we get the chance. We can't expect things to change if we are not willing to put ourselves out there. However, with that being said, public speaking causes me great anxiety. I am learning to deal with it and it gets easier each time I put myself out there. I am hoping that sometime in the near future, it will become less stressful for me and that I learn to enjoy it. After all, I'm just sharing my story and no one is a better expert on that than me!!!

More updates to come after I'm back from DC!!

Even Now.......Gina

Random Rantings and an Update

2011-05-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

I love HGTV and watch it pretty often. So, I thought I had this selling my house stuff down! Let me just tell you, it isn't near as easy and simple as those shows make it out to be!! After finally deciding that we just had to take a leap of faith and get our house on the market to see what happens, I'm as stressed as I was before. Sometimes I wonder when life will ever be peaceful. I always think that after this happens, or that passes, my life will become less stressful. I'm quickly discovering though that life just keeps giving us one stressful hurdle after another.

Our house has now been on the market for about a month. They have shown it several times and we have had one really low offer and are now negotiating another offer. I've been pretty confident in my decisions so far, but I'm really starting to second guess myself regularly. I have set firm limits in the dollars and really feel that I have to stick with that however hard it may be. (Why doesn't HGTV ever show all the haggling that goes on between the seller and the buyer??) It is all such a numbers game and I easily get confused!! I much prefer words over numbers! Really for me, I could care less how much money goes to what, just give me the bottom number I am walking away with. Is that really too much to ask?

Then we have the whole issue of what are we going to do if we sell our house? We have looked at a few that are for sale but there really isn't anything that we like. I refuse to get us into a situation where we feel we have to settle for something we really don't love. So, what would we do? That is the million dollar question right now. I am not opposed to renting for awhile if we have to, but who is going to rent to us month to month with 2 dogs plus a service dog? We may end up surfing couches for awhile!!

On to other things.......Allen is still in California. He is working with a psychologist there that we both really like. They are looking into the fact that he may be having seizures again. This makes sense to me, because I have figured out that his "episodes" became much more physical once they took him off of his anti seizure meds. I'm relieved that someone is finally trying to figure out what is going on instead of just sending him back home. I'm praying that they figure it out so we know what we are dealing with.

Makale is about to finish track season and Middle School. He broke the school record for high jump with a jump of 5'7" and was the anchor for a 4x4 relay team that also broke a school record! He is looking forward to the league meet on Saturday. I'm not sure how I feel about having a son in High School next year! I don't think it has hit me yet!! I'm still getting over the learner's permit and him beginning to drive! He is doing a great job though!!

Dreyson is getting ready to start rehearsals for his role in the King and I at Starlight Theatre this summer. He was also invited to be a part of the show for the gala at Starlight on May 21. He is pretty excited about this and has a phone interview today because they are interested in featuring him in the show! I'm so excited to see him shine in something that he truly loves!!

Even Now.......Gina

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2011-04-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

This is my all time favorite picture of Allen and I together. It is also my favorite picture of Allen ever! It was taken at his welcome home ceremony after his first deployment to Iraq on Veteran's Day 2006. It's hard to believe it's been 5 years since I've seen this man, the one I married.

I don't often allow myself to go down this road. It is painful and raw. I miss the man he used to be. The silly, fun loving, laid back, goofy, happy man I married. I look at this picture and I see such a difference from who he was then, to who he is now. Occasionally I see glimpses of this guy, but they are few and far between and are often more painful than happy. They remind me of what we've lost and that the trauma he has faced will haunt him forever.

The other side to this though, is that it makes me thankful. I'm thankful that although he's changed so much, he is still here. I'm thankful that I get to still share my life with him, even though it's not quite the way it was before. I'm thankful that my kids still get to have their dad in their life. I'm thankful he's alive. I know many others are not that fortunate and I never want to take that for granted. I know that God brought him home for a greater purpose and has a plan for his life.

And, even though, I often miss who he used to be, I love who he is now just the same. We've had lots of growing to do, learning, and adjusting, but we are still here, holding on. It's not been an easy road, but one I would gladly walk down again, as long as I can do it with him. I've learned, that what is truly important in life is family!

Even Now......Gina

Vote for Me!!!!

2011-04-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

I am honored to have been chosen as a finalist in the 2011 milblog contest! My blog is listed among some other great blogs so the competition should be a great one! I knew my blog had been nominated, but didn't know it was a finalist until one of the other finalists commented on my blog. It truly is an honor, and I am so excited!! Please take a few minutes to vote for one of these great blogs!!

The voting is now open so please follow this link, http://milblogconference.milblogging.com/2011-milbloggies/vote-now/ to vote for your favorite blogs!! Mine can be found under the spouse blogs. I really appreciate your votes. Please share with your friends as I can use all the votes I can get!! There are plenty of great ones!!

If You Are Feeling Suicidal

2011-04-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

If you've found my blog because you are feeling suicidal and looking for help, I'm glad you're here and there IS help available.

National suicide prevention lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255. If you are a veteran, press 1 to be directed to the Veteran's suicide prevention hotline.
If you prefer a live chat online, visit http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ On the right side there is a button that says "Veteran's chat live with a counselor".

If you are in immediate need for help, call 911. Or, you can walk into your local Emergency Room or VA Emergency Room.

I was just looking at my stats as to who views my blog, how they found it and so forth. I was very concerned when I saw this phrase as one that was googled and then brought to my blog. "I am having suicidal thoughts after being wounded in Iraq." If you are reading this, and having thoughts of harming yourself or others, please do not be afraid to ask for help. There is help available, and you are worth it. Life can get better if you will take the first step to ask for help.

I have had to call 911 numerous times for my husband and it has always been a life saver for us. I know many are afraid to call 911 but that's what it is there for. Not calling could end much worse if you need help. You also always have the option of walking into your local ER or VA ER for immediate help.

There are also several other organizations out there to help. Help in finding a therapist and/or psychiatrist can be found by visiting www.nami.org . For more resources, visit www.bringchange2mind.org, and then submit a request for help. You will receive a personal response within 48 hours full of resources specific for your need. The Karla Smith Foundation is an organization that also helps families and friends left behind after a death by suicide and can be found at www.karlasmithfoundation.org They can also give you and your family and friends support for many mental illnesses, as well as suicide.

Please, if you are feeling like hurting yourself, reach out for the help that is available to you. You are not alone. There are many people, especially veteran's out there feeling similar. You are all important! Please just take that step to make the call or reach out to someone, or some of these organizations. You can get better!

Even Now.....Gina

My Quiet Rock

2011-04-20T06:28:00.000-07:00

I seem to spend a lot of time talking about my youngest son, and not so much about my oldest. However, I do not know how I would have made it without my son, Makale. He is my quiet rock.

Makale has always been very quiet, laid back, and supportive. He has been such an amazing help since Allen's injury. Being an 11 year old boy when his Dad was injured made him grow up much faster than he should have. Sometimes that makes me sad, but he seems to have taken it all in stride. He has had a lot of added responsibility put on him, and he rarely complains. Don't get me wrong, he is a teenager, but when it really matters, he does what he is asked and really steps up to the plate.

In some ways, he really has become the man of the house. There have been many times he has had to step in to take care of his brother, a place Allen normally would have been. This can be as simple as taking his brother to the restroom when we are out, to helping give him a shower. When we have went on wounded warrior trips, Makale has had to really take care of his brother because I am busy taking care of Allen. These aren't things other kids his age are having to do, but Makale does them often times without being asked. In many ways, he hasn't been able to finish being a kid, but he doesn't seem to mind.

Not only does he help with his brother, but he also helps with Allen. He has been very strong in many frightening situations. He just seems to take it all in, and is able to shake it all off when it's over. I know there are times when he gets really disappointed because he's had to give up so much, but he really is able to rise above that and keep a positive outlook on life. Allen coached his basketball team when he got deployed and had to leave in the middle of the season. Sadly, he has not been able to do this again, for either of the boys. That is something they will never have with their dad, but they focus on the fact that they at least have him here.

Makale's personality allows us to easily look over all that he does. He would much rather have it this way as he does not like to be the center of attention. He's happy to have the attention focused on Allen or Dreyson. However, I wanted to take this time to focus on him, my quiet rock. I love you Makale, and appreciate all you do for our family. Your strength and hard work amaze me everyday. You are an amazing young man, and I am so proud of you!! I know you will grow up to be someone special!!

Even Now......Gina

Preying on Vets

2011-04-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to Walmart to pick up some last minute things for my son's birthday. It is rainy and pretty chilly, but there were 4 men with little tables sat up outside the front entrances. Their tables were each wrapped in banners that said Help our Veteran's. The banners were in the digital camo and did not have any organization's name on any of them.

I just got a really bad feeling about them, as soon as I saw them. I may be paranoid, but I know that there are many people out there that are profiting off of veteran's and their stories who shouldn't be. I went up to one of the tables and asked them what organization they were with. He told me The Purple Heart Hospitalized Veteran's and that they were collecting money to send care packages to hospitalized veteran's.

I have never heard of this organization before, and their entire set up looked a little fishy to me. I'm pretty active within several wounded warrior groups, and I have NEVER heard of this organization, or even one anything similar to this. I was really bothered by this. I wasn't sure what to do, but decided I needed to say something. So, as I was checking out back in electronics, I asked the cashier if Walmart checks the legitimacy of the people asking for donations on their properties. She looked at me rather funny so I explained myself and my question to her. She said it was a great question, and asked if I would wait for a minute so she could have a manager come back. I then asked the manager my same question and got the same confused look. So, again, I explained. She said that they are SUPPOSED to have proof of their legitimacy when they apply to stand out there. She was going to check for me though to make sure they had actually gotten that proof from this group. I didn't wait around to make sure, I knew it wouldn't do any good. I just really wanted to make sure that it was legit.

I'm still really bothered by this. I know there are many organizations out there working for vets that I do not know about. However, I think it looked really odd that their organizations name wasn't on the banner or anywhere. They had no information to pass out. There were no pictures or samples of the care packages they send. They did however have money bags to collect their money in and a credit card machine so they could even take donations that way.

Am I crazy to question this?? Does this sound legit to anyone else?? Is there anything else I could have done to check them out or prevent them from doing it if they are a scam? Any advice here to settle my uneasiness would be greatly appreciated.

Even Now.......Gina

Happy Birthday Dreyson!!

2011-04-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

8 years ago today, a precious baby boy decided it was time to enter this world 9 weeks early, weighing only 2 lbs. 14 oz. He's had a lot to deal with in those 8 years, but still makes me smile, and usually scream, everyday! Dreyson is an amazing kid, funny, kind, and determined!

When I think back over these 8 years, I am a little saddened in all that he has been through. On the other hand, I look at how these things have helped shape who he is, and am thankful for the positives that have developed in him because of them. I remember being scared to death, that Tuesday morning when they told me that they had to take him out, NOW! Allen wasn't even at the hospital when they decided that, and they informed me they didn't have time to wait on him to get there. All ended up ok. Allen made it in time, Dreyson was pretty healthy considering his prematurity and size. Now that I know Dreyson, I understand that he entered this world on his own time, not anyone else's and that so fits his personality!!

After spending a month in the NICU, we were able to bring Dreyson home at 3 lbs 5 oz. It was really interesting watching him develop during that early time because he should have still been in the oven. He did really well health wise in the beginning, but soon developed asthma. He has spent time in the hospital almost every winter with pneumonia, but has always been a big boy about it all.

Dreyson was very independent and outgoing from the beginning. He was especially close to his Daddy and to his Aunt Chris and Grandma. (I think he would have taken any of them over me!) Unless his daddy was at work, he was right there wherever his dad was. Then the first deployment came. Dreyson was hugely impacted by his daddy's absence. My little daredevil turned into a little boy who was scared of everything. I think that he just lost his sense of security once his daddy deployed. He was so small, at only 2 1/2, but would proudly tell everybody, that his daddy went to fight the bad guys.

Most of Dreyson's life he has had to deal with deployments, and now injuries. He doesn't remember what his dad was like before, and this saddens me. However, he still has such a love for his dad, and maybe it's a blessing that he doesn't know him any other way. He looks out for his dad and does an amazing job of taking care of him. I counted up today how many birthdays have come and gone without his dad here to celebrate, and today makes number 4. Half of his birthdays have been celebrated without his dad here. And so many people do not recognize the sacrifices kids and families make on behalf of the United States.

Today I can look back and see how all of this has helped Dreyson to grow. He has an empathy for people that are hurting that is incredible. He knows what a true hero is. He knows that his daddy helped make this world a safer place by his selfless service to our great nation. But, most importantly, he knows that no matter where his daddy is in this world, he is never far from his heart!

Happy Birthday Dreyson Malachi, or as your dad would say, "Happy Birthday Skeek!!"

Even Now.......Gina

Learning to Let Go

2011-04-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

As a caregiver, there are some things that are just no brainers. Things that we do for our caregivee without a second thought. Many of those things are things that they could possibly do for themselves, but it is often just easier to do ourselves. (Of course, I might also be explaining characteristics of a control freak and not just a caregiver!) However, since Allen has been away, I've really thought about the things he can do for himself as well as for me and the boys.

Since his injury, he has become very dependent on me. This is not all his fault by any means. Actually, I have no doubt that much of this is because of me. I've tried to make things easier for him and looked out for him for quite a long time now. So, patterns have developed that are not necessarily conducive to his being well. Much of this comes because he is not able to drive and therefore, I have to take him everywhere. Therefore, there is very little time that we are ever apart in our "normal" life anymore. The other big part in this is that he often has no idea the kinds of behaviors he has during his "episodes" so I have to be able to fill in the missing blanks during most medical appointments and often speak for him in MANY situations.

The 20th of this month will make 7 months that he has been away in treatment. It has been a blessing for both of us. Obviously for him, he is getting much needed treatment and support. For me, it has given me a chance to have some of the responsibilities lifted from my shoulders and given me much needed time for myself and our kids. I have spent a lot of this time trying to figure out plans for our future, but also to work on me. I've tried to figure out things to help him regain some of his independence and sense of purpose.

One of the biggest obstacles is learning to let go a little. I like to be in control, and I also have a hard time giving that up sometimes. I have to learn to trust him again in a sense, that he can do some things, and even if they aren't just how I would like them to be done, it's ok! The world will not end because the towels did not get folded exactly the way I fold them!! This weekend is going to be a huge test to this relinquishment. A small group of the guys from The Pathway Home are going to go repelling. This is a huge step for him, in that he actually wants to go and be social and physical. These are 2 things he loved before, but something kind of new, post war. It's exciting to see him getting involved. However, it is all a little scary from my point as well. I worry about his safety, his decision making skills, and his service dog Frankie. Has he thought about these things before deciding to go? Who will watch Frankie while he repels? Will he be able to handle his finances so he has enough money for everything he needs? Do the people he will be with know what to do if he has an "episode"? So much for me to worry about!!

He had tried to plan a trip to Tahoe a couple of months before this outing. He had not thought about any of that stuff so he ended up not going. This time, he started talking about it with me about a month in advance. It was really hard for me to not to tell him I thought it was a bad idea and that he shouldn't go. (He absolutely would have listened to me.) Instead though, we talked about it in detail. I asked him questions about the things I was concerned with. Unlike the Tahoe trip, he was much more prepared this time and had obviously learned a lot since trying to plan the previous one without any thoughts or plans. He had found out how much it cost, how long they would be gone, what Frankie would do, which were all of my major concerns. So, I told him, as long as his therapist was ok with it, I was ok with it.

I was so excited that he had prepared and thought about this stuff all on his own. He spent a lot of time thinking and planning before he ever brought it up to me. He could answer my questions I had. He is excited to be going and looking forward to the adventure. His therapist gave him the ok, so this weekend he will get to go repelling. There are four of them going along with several people from the Rotary club. He has someone who is going but not participating who will watch Frankie for him while he is on the mountain. It is great to see him planning something and carrying it out!

I will say that this still is not easy for me. It is really hard being so far away in case something does happen. It's hard to trust that the others with him will be able to help him if he has an episode. Trust me, they are not easy or fun to deal with. However, I am so proud of Allen for the way he has planned this all out. He thought about everything! He budgeted for it which is a HUGE step! It will be interesting to see how it all works and I pray it all goes smoothly.

It's nice to be in a place where I have learned how to help him make some decisions, instead of making them all for him. The Tahoe trip was a big learning experience for both of us, in that it taught me how to help him decide that it wasn't a good trip for him to go on. It was great to be able to have him make that decision instead of me just having to say, "no, you can't go." These small steps make me really excited to see how much The Pathway Home has helped him. It has been a lot of hard work, and he has a lot more to do, but he is doing it!

Even Now......Gina

Taking a Step of Faith

2011-04-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

I've always relied on my faith to get me through the difficult situations in life. I fall back on it when the world just gets too tough. And yet, often it is the last place I turn to, when instead it should be the first. So, today I took a step, relying fully on my faith to get me through and help me make the best decisions for my family.

Being the spouse of a wounded warrior is a challenging position to be in for many reasons. But the one I find the hardest is the responsibility that lies on my shoulders. Responsibilities that are shared by most married couples tend to fall heavily on the uninjured spouse. This means I have a huge amount of added stress and pressure without a partner to help divide and conquer.

Housing is a huge issue for us. I have written about it before, the frustrations that go along with that issue and the invisibility of Allen's injuries. So, today, I took a step to hopefully begin to solve this issue. I officially put our house on the market. I'm not certain this is the step I need to be taking, but that is where my faith is coming through. Allen's team at The Pathway Home feel that our housing issues are a huge part of his well being. However, they also do not want to tell me what to do, or even give their opinion for that matter. (I think they are afraid of some type of liability if they direct me one way and it doesn't work out.) They do say though that this location is not good for him and his mental state, and that a fresh start would be beneficial for all of us.

I have made myself sick worrying and thinking about what to do. I know that if we do not want all of the hard work he has done to be undone, we need to move. I also know that if Allen does not get well enough to return home to live, I am going to have to quickly find a job to support me and the boys which would be much more doable in this house. So, I've decided that we need to put the house on the market and see what happens, in order to give Allen a safer place to call home. If God's plan for our family includes moving, then our house will sell. If it doesn't, it won't. It sounds pretty simple, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I find myself getting anxious constantly and have to reassure myself that God does have a plan for us and He will make it clear what that plan is. I just have to remember to breathe and listen! Any and all prayers would be appreciated!!

Even Now.......Gina

Graduation Day

2011-03-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a big day for Allen, and well our whole family. Even though we couldn't be there to see it, Allen graduated from The Pathway Home's PTSD program in California. I couldn't be more proud of him right now. He was nervous and anxious about the whole thing, but he did it!

There were 9 guys graduating with him and they were each expected to say a little something. They had been told to be prepared. After all, these ceremonies usually have several hundred people in attendance. Yesterday, I was told there were about 200 people there. Well, Allen just planned to say "Thank You" and be done so he didn't prepare anything. Then the moment got him and he actually spoke for quite a while.

I got a phone call last night after it was all over with from our good friend Wendy, who volunteers at the program and has become extremely attached to Allen. I'm so glad she called and told me about the day because Allen was pretty exhausted last night and not too talkative! According to Wendy, Allen did great! He made it through the ceremony, which that is a huge accomplishment by itself. But he also shared with them how much the program, the people, the other vets, and his family mean to him. He credits the program with saving his life and that without the love and support of me and the boys he wouldn't be here today. He brought the audience to tears and there was much said throughout by many of the speakers about Allen. Not only did the program have a huge impact on his life, but apparently he made a difference in many lives that he has met there as well.

Let me tell you how awesome this makes me feel. I am so incredibly proud of Allen. He has proven to himself that God does have a purpose for his life. He has demonstrated to our boys what determination and hard work can do and that no matter what happens to you in life, you can never give up. Everyday is still a struggle for him, but he knows how to overcome. He is a survivor, not a victim. I am so thankful to have him in our life.

His work at The Pathway Home is not done. He will be staying there a while longer to do some more one on one work with the psychologists there. But he has come such a long way from where he was last September when my sister and I walked him through those doors. He has found his smile again, his laugh. It's such a relief to see him get some enjoyment out of life again. And while he credits the program with saving his life, that credit goes to God and to Allen, for all the hard work he put into it. The program wouldn't be successful if he hadn't done the work.

Thank you to everyone at The Pathway Home! You are doing incredible work and changing the lives of many. Our family will be forever grateful!!

If anyone reading this wants more information on The Pathway Home, feel free to email me, or visit their website www.thepathwayhome.org It is a non profit program that is completely free to OIF/OEF veterans. If you know someone who may benefit from the program, Allen and I highly recommend it. If you are looking for somewhere to donate to that is changing lives for veteran's, check them out and consider donating.

Even Now.........Gina

Success or Disaster??

2011-03-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

I've often thought about an experiment. It might be a good topic for a reality TV show or it might just be a huge disaster. It's an idea that could end up being extremely healing for families like ours, or it could be the worst thing possible. I still think it is something that would be incredibly interesting to see how it turned out.

The experiment would be this. To make an entire neighborhood, right outside of a city, preferably a warm one that is for wounded warriors and their families only. We could all move there and we could have our own sense of community. After all, that sense of community is one of the biggest things families miss having after leaving the military.

No one gets it better than those who have walked in our shoes. My husband would feel secure in knowing that he was surrounded by a "unit". Last week, he said that is one of the big differences in being home versus being in treatment. At home, protection and security is all up to him. At the Pathway Home, he is part of a unit. He knows that those guys all have his back. This sense of security and back up allow him to feel secure, to relax a little. He is happier there than I have seen him in years. He can laugh again. He smiles. He interacts with the other guys and has made new friends all on his own. He has began to live again.

Our kids wouldn't have to worry about what their peers thought about their dad. They wouldn't have to hide their feelings about things going on at home or be embarrassed by another "episode". Everyone around them would get "it". They would have somewhere safe to go when they needed to get out of their own house for awhile. They wouldn't have so many questions to answer that are difficult for them to answer. They would have friends who know the path they've been down that their civilian friends will never understand. They too would have security.

As a spouse, it would be amazing to be surrounded by other spouses who truly understand what it's like to be married to someone completely different than the person you sent off to war. We would always have support, someone to watch our kids when things at our house were chaotic. It would be similar to living on a military post again where there is no stronger bonds made.

The flip side to all of this is that it could end up in a total disaster. So many families with so many issues living all in one neighborhood could be very chaotic. Tempers would fly, and the whole thing could blow up. I can see it going both ways, but I honestly think it would be an interesting project. And, if it worked, it would provide so many benefits to families who have sacrificed so much, but are still struggling everyday to hold it together. I know, this family, for one would be one of the first ones to sign up!!

Even Now......Gina

Spring Break

2011-03-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Spring Break is here and I'm loving the time I get to have my boys home all day with me. I always love the added time breaks get us, plus the sleeping in!! This year is a little different than the last few with Allen not being home, which is good and bad.

The good is that the boys and I can just take off and do some things that the past few years we haven't been able to. Life with Dad not here can be so much more spontaneous. I do not have to worry about what might happen if we do this or that. I think I am more willing to take the boys out to do some things, like going to the movies, shopping, or just whatever we happen to feel like each particular day.

However, we are also missing him a lot lately. Dreyson said just this afternoon that he really missed his dad and just wanted him to come home. The boys don't really voice that very often, so it really melts my heart when they do. We definitely have a piece of us gone when Allen is away and we miss him. It always reminds me how much I love him. I often think about the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Times like this sure do show me how true this is, for not only myself, but also for our kids.

As much as we would have liked to have gone out to California to see him, we just couldn't make it happen. That means the boys and I are just hanging out at home and doing some much needed spring cleaning and ridding. We are hoping to have a garage sale next month!! We are hopefully going to be putting our house on the market soon, in order to make some type of a move away from the triggers. I am looking forward to a fresh start! We plan to stay in this area, but the idea of a new home is beginning to look more possible.

On a sad note, my great aunt passed away over the weekend so we will also be attending a funeral. My Aunt Ruby was an amazing, fun loving lady who we will miss dearly. I'm so happy for her though, to know she has been reunited in heaven with our Heavenly Father as well as her parents, siblings, and husband. She was the last one still here from her generation which couldn't have been easy. She was 96. I loved hearing her stories of growing up with my Grandma and moving from Kansas to Missouri and back by covered wagon. The picture for this post is of me and the boys with my Aunt Ruby a few years ago, taken while Allen was deployed. While today, I have a heavy heart from her death, I know she is in a better place. I love you Aunt Ruby!

Even Now........Gina

Our Boys are My Heroes Too

2011-03-05T21:55:00.001-08:00

I've written before about how my husband's injuries have affected our entire family. Tonight I want to talk about how it has specifically affected our boys. During the current conflicts, my husband first deployed in August 2005 and returned in November 2006. Our kids were 9 and 2. He then turned right around and deployed almost immediately again in January 2007 and was critically injured 21 November 2007, the night before Thanksgiving. By the time Allen was injured, our boys were then 11 and 4. This was a lot for them to deal with at their young ages.

One of the most touching memories I have of how it changed them is of our youngest. He was in preschool when his daddy came home a changed man. I was a stay at home mom and suddenly he was thrust into staying with grandparents, an aunt, friends, and daycare for the four months I was at Walter Reed right after Allen's injury. When we finally returned home to continue Allen's treatment, he had already been through so much. But he was so strong and just showed us how resilient he truly is. When we first started going to the VA for Allen's treatment, he often went with us since he wasn't in school everyday. New places are always triggering for Allen and places like hospitals are especially so. (The long hallways with many doors are huge triggers still.) Often walking down the hallway was very slow and tedious with Allen checking each and every door we passed. On one such day, Dreyson was with us. He reached up, took his daddy's hand and led him down the hallway. With each door we passed, he explained to his daddy what was in the room. Any noises, he would explain the best he could so his daddy wouldn't be scared. In his four year old voice, he would say, "it's okay daddy, that is just _______________." Whatever it was triggering Allen, Dreyson would explain exactly what it was. It was so moving for me. It really showed me how much Dreyson really understood of this new beast in our life called PTSD.

I think it is a testament to how much kids of these wounded warriors have to go through. I do not know any other four year old who would know how to help their daddy through a long, frightening hallway the way he did that day. He didn't even ask anything, he just did it. He knew how to help his daddy through the anxiety and fear that was paralyzing him. We had not ever really explained it much to Dreyson, not sure we even knew how. But he didn't need us to. He was living it everyday. It's not something we could hide from him, but yet he knew and understood better than many adults do. He truly gets "it." And this was after only having been home from Walter Reed for a couple of months. So, imagine, now three years later how much our kids truly get it.

They both have witnessed many, many frightening flashbacks and dissociative episodes. During many of these, I do not know what I would have done had Makale not been there with me. He has shown great strength and calmness in the face of an emergency. There has been many nights he has been woken up to a very dangerous and scary situation and he has been my rock. It sometimes saddens me how much they have been through, but I know that God is looking out for all of us. He is protecting us.

Our boys have had to sacrifice each and every day since that defining day in 2007. Not only have they had to get to know a dad who is completely different, but they have had to adjust their lives to this post injury life. They often can't have friends over because Dad is having a bad day. Or they can't go somewhere they get invited to because Mom is the only one who can drive and she is often too busy taking care of dad to run them wherever it is they want to go. Instead of having the full undivided attention of their parents, they are often over shadowed by whatever is going on at the moment in the realm of PTSD. At an event they are involved in, whether it be school, sports, theatre, or other, they have attention put on them because of their dad's story, or his service dog, or any number of things pertaining to their dad, rather than their own accomplishments.

They are now 14 and 7. I am proud to say that they are both amazing young men. I know that what we have been through as a family, and continue to go through, is changing who they are going to be. I'm sure that some of this may not be in a positive direction, but I know that much of it is. They are strong, compassionate, giving boys. They know what a good role model is, what a true hero looks like, and all about sacrifice. They work hard, play hard, and love hard. Makale, our 14 year old, has a strong interest in becoming a counselor. Dreyson, who is 7, wants to be an actor or a teacher. They are different as night and day, but both so precious to me. While I wish they didn't have to sacrifice as much as they do, I couldn't have asked for any more resilient and strong boys who amaze me everyday!

Even Now......Gina

Housing Issues

2011-03-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

Many wounded warrior families have housing issues, most of which involve handicap accessibility. There are several great organizations out there that address these needs of wounded warriors, often even by building them a brand new, mortgage free house. The VA also has a program that grants $50,000 for accessibility improvements. This is great and very needed as the statistics on those coming home injured are staggering. I think I just read an article this week that listed the number at 40,000 combat injured in the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. There obviously is then a huge need for handicap accessible homes for these families who have sacrificed so much.

However, (I hate that I always seem to have to have a however or a but!) there are many other issues besides accessibility out there in the wounded warrior community in regards to housing. Take us for instance, we live in a single story, ranch style house that is almost 9 years old. We have a mortgage on this house and overall it is a great house. It is small, and this is an issue in and of itself, but if this were the only issue we could make it do.

The bigger issues for us are the external, environmental triggers that are very close to our home that constantly keep Allen revved up and on edge. He has been away getting treatment for his PTSD for the last 6 months. Is all of this treatment and coping he is learning going to be sabotaged by the constant triggers he has to deal with in his own home? These triggers I am talking about are huge for anyone with PTSD, but Allen's severity is over the top.

The first environmental trigger is the rail road tracks that are about 100 meters from our house. Just the noise and vibrations from this are enough to keep him awake and revved up all the time. Then, add on the fact that there is a train depot just down the tracks about 1/4 mile makes it that much worse. They use the tracks next to us to connect the trains. Do you know what this sounds and feels like? You guessed it, incoming. The two cars bumping together make a huge boom and large vibrations. They do this all day and often at night too. No wonder why his PTSD is off the charts!

The second environmental trigger we have going on here is the rock quarry that is exactly a mile from our house. They blast with TNT 1-4 times a day depending on the season. And again, guess what that sounds and feels like!! A real live blast!! That's right, that's because it is! To Allen, it sends him right back to Iraq every time. He has several different reactions depending on the day. We can only hope it is one of the milder ones. He takes cover. He runs to our bedroom, gets in the corner and curls up in a ball. He has been in this position for hours before. I've had to call 911 to get him to come out. The paramedics have had to physically remove him from the corner and take him to the hospital for medication to get him out of that state. Another time, he might run out of the house to go search for casualties. He doesn't see what is really there, he sees whatever happens to be in his head that time. Yet another reaction may be for him to find a weapon and look for the insurgent to take out. Thankfully, he's never found anyone who he deemed to be an insurgent, but what if someday he sees me or my children, or someone else as the insurgent? I can't even think about that possibility or I would be crazy!

A third, and less severe causing trigger is the tornado sirens. In our town they test them every Monday at noon. These used to really send him running as well, but he has become somewhat desensitized to these as long as we remember that it is time for them to come. He worked on this several times in counseling with them going off there. Whoever the genius was that made the tornado sirens and the incoming warning sirens the same tone was not very smart!!

These environmental triggers are all things we never would have thought about had we not lived through these scary and often dangerous dissociation's of my husband's. When we first bought our house, they were not an issue. We didn't even know about the quarry since we were always at work when they blasted. Now though, since he has returned from war with such disabling PTSD, these are a huge component in our everyday life and his well being.

Fighting these invisible wounds is so frustrating much of the time. There is so much stigma and discrimination tied to them. The non profits set up to help the wounded often do not consider the invisible wounds for their programs. It hurts. It hurts Allen and the rest of us. It makes him feel that his sacrifice is not as significant as some of the others. But it is. His PTSD will never go away. It is chronic. He will hopefully learn to manage it better, but it will always be there. It is no less significant than the physical wounds. After all, there is no prosthetic for his mind.

Even Now.......Gina

Some Encouragement Today

2011-03-01T16:48:00.000-08:00

As I last blogged about, I've really been wrestling with a great deal of stress the last couple of weeks. I have not yet heard back from my husband's counselor, but have done some research, talked to some other close friends/family, and am reassured it will all be okay. I know that I have the love and support to get through just about anything.

Through all of this I also know that Allen has really been struggling. We went about five days without even talking at all, which is not normal. While he's been in California, we have talked almost everyday, until last week. I was struggling, he was struggling, not a great combination for good communication between the two of us! Thankfully, this week has been much better on many fronts!

I talked to Allen this afternoon and was really encouraged after our call. He is still really struggling but it is to be expected as he is working really hard processing some of his most difficult trauma. He actually told me that he shared with his group stuff that he thought he would take to his grave with him. He shared stuff that he really thought he would never tell anyone. This made me so excited it was crazy! I think this is an incredible break through in his therapy. I know that he will never be cured and that PTSD is something that we will always have to live with. However, I also know that he can get it better and learn some coping strategies that will greatly reduce the symptoms and the extent to which it affects our lives. I am really excited to know that he is sharing parts of his trauma that he never thought he would. I think this is huge to him getting some control of his life back! And let me just say, I can't imagine how bad this particular stuff he is talking about must have been. I say this because I have been in most of his therapy sessions for the last three years, and I have heard stuff you can't even imagine. It is hard for me to believe that he had so much more, that was worse than what he had already shared. It makes me excited that he is willing and able to share it now, in a safe environment. I think I am also glad that I didn't have to be in the session where he shared. Not that I wouldn't listen, but man, he's been a part of horrible trauma and I'm not sure I need to hear it all. And, while it makes me excited and hopeful, it also breaks my heart that he has to live with such horrific memories.

I just wanted to share what might be a turning point in my families life. It may not end up being as big of a key as I think it might, we will just have to wait and see. But, I am hopeful!! I am also so proud of the hard work that my husband is doing. I know that he truly wants to get better and that we are much of the reason he wants this so badly. His strength and determination continues to amaze me!

Even Now.......Gina

Big Decisions Ahead

2011-02-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me. There has been questions raised about whether or not my husband is going to be graduating the program he is in next month. This very issue causes huge anxiety in me which of course also produces huge amounts of guilt. Finally, late this week I just called his counselor in the program to start asking some questions.

Previously, the only communication I get from the program is from my husband. We have had 2 marriage/transition planning sessions on the phone, but otherwise nothing. So, thanks to the encouragement of a dear friend, I finally just called and left a message for his counselor to call me back. She returned my call late Thursday and really did not have many answers for me. We spoke for about 30 minutes and ended with her promising to consult with other staff members and the director to get me some solid answers.

So, the big questions/decisions I am facing in the process of transitioning my husband home? Many of you, I'm sure will not understand my hesitation. That's ok, but I have serious reservations about him returning home. I'm not convinced he is ready yet for one. For two, we have had some SERIOUS safety concerns and episodes come up that could have ended very tragically. The last of these happened the night before he went to this current program. So, I am left with that memory for the last memory before he left. Did it give me PTSD, probably. Has he stopped having these dissociative episodes, No. As a matter of fact, they have increased in frequency once again. He has also started sleeping a lot and withdrawing again. None of this is helping me be confident in him returning to our family.

His counselor was able to assure me that this is his way of reacting to anxiety. She went on to tell me that it doesn't surprise her he is feeling more anxious with the trauma class he is in and the idea of transitioning home. Of course, none of this is reassuring me that it is safe for him to come home again. She also made the comment that she's not sure how much time he actually spends in his body. Now, that one really made me confident.

So, what I am faced with maybe deciding is whether or not he is able to move back home and live with us as a family, or if we are going to have to find some type of long term residential care for him. I did not bring this up with his counselor, she did. I mentioned my concerns with safety and told her the things that had happened to make me question that. No matter what I decide, someone very well may get hurt. If I decide that he has to go live somewhere else, then it hurts him. What kind of life would that be for a 42 year old man, who does have his good days? On the flip side, what if I decide he is okay to move home and then something tragic does happen? It is my responsibility to keep us all safe.

Then how will these decisions affect me and the boys? If he comes home but isn't safe, well, I won't even go there. If he goes to live in some type of institution, what kind of life is that for any of us? The boys will completely lose their father, and I will physically lose my husband, but then again not really. It is just really a bad situation all the way around.

I have had so much pressure taken off of my shoulders since he has been in treatment in California. It has been a much needed break. However, I would love nothing more than for him to be able to come home and participate in life again. For him to be able to experience some peace and happiness in our own house. For him to be able to be a husband and dad. He has already sacrificed so much, it would be nice to have him home and at peace.

I really debated about sharing all of this on here. Then I thought about how much it helps me to write. I also thought about the fact that surely I am not the only one facing these tough decisions. Although, I do not personally know anyone facing these same things, but I can't be the only one. Also, I figure we can use all the prayers we can get!! If you pray, please keep us on your list! So, there it is. What is really going on in the life of this invisibly wounded family.

Even Now......Gina

Other's Expectations Equals Pressure To Measure Up

2011-02-25T06:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in this crazy role of wounded warrior caregiver/spouse, I feel a lot of pressure on my shoulders to live up to other's expectations (as well as my own). The first one with high expectations is myself. I have a very close friend in this wounded warrior world who often reminds me that I am human. Often times, I put very unrealistic expectations on myself and forget to cut myself some slack. This life I am currently living is not an easy one. I need to give myself a break sometimes and let myself just be. I know that I am not perfect, or not superwoman, but sometimes, I tend to act like I can do it all.

Another place I often feel this pressure is from Allen himself. It's not something he does intentionally by any means. Honestly, he probably doesn't know that sometimes his nice comments about me and how great I am, add this pressure. Last week, we had a marriage counseling session over the phone with his counselor. These sessions have been very good and I always get excited about him returning home afterwards. However, he often sings my praises and puts me on a pedestal. It comes from a place of love, but often it just adds extra pressure to my already high expectations of myself. It makes me feel like I ALWAYS have to have it together. I'm not perfect, like he seems to "see" me as. And quite honestly, this is a big pedestal to stand on. I don't always have it together. I'm not always smiling, like I appear to be most of the time. Sometimes, I want to melt into a big heap on the floor and just cry. Sometimes, I even wish I could just run away and choose a new life. You know, like in the game of life. If you land on the right square on the board, you can choose a whole new career, income, and pretty much change your life with a simple spin of the wheel.

Lastly, this pressure comes from well meaning people in my life. Friends and family who are trying to let me know how much they admire me and my strength. I've read several blogs lately and been involved in some conversations about this very topic. It is common as a military spouse to hear the phrase, "I don't know how you do it." Well add this to an injury and it has that much more pressure that builds behind it. I know the ones that say this to me are trying to be supportive, but really it makes me feel like they are seeing me as something I often do not feel about myself. It makes me feel like I am somewhat of a super hero, doing something that other's couldn't or wouldn't do. It's one of those situations, you really have no idea how you would handle it until you find yourself in this situation. You might just surprise yourself. I had no idea how I would handle such a traumatic injury. Trust me, my life looks NOTHING like I thought it would at this point. I never imagined I would be a full time caregiver for my husband who suffers severely from the trauma he witnessed in war. I remember the 5th anniversary of 9/11 hitting me like a truck. When the terrorists struck NYC, I knew it would impact my life. I just never knew how personally and greatly it would affect me. This is not the life I would have chosen. However, I know God has a plan for me and that this is where He wants me. He is preparing me for something, and when His time is right, I will know what that is.

I also want to say that I know these are well meaning comments. At times, it is nice to hear that someone recognizes the struggles that we face and that not everyone could/would do it. I also know that I shouldn't let these well meaning comments add pressure to my already heavy load. However, once again, I am human. I also know that I am not the only one who feels this same pressure. Sometimes I just need to blog about things for my own well being and for other's who I know are feeling this same way.

Really, I am just Me! I know that I am strong, thanks to my faith in Him. I also know that I am still human and make mistakes everyday. I don't always know much about me and who I am. I often get lost in taking care of my husband and our boys. I do what I have to do to make it through each day. And, at the end of each day, I am assured that I am right where He wants me to be.

Even Now.......Gina

Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone

2011-02-22T17:01:00.000-08:00

One of the most important lessons I have learned since my husband's injury is that I learn and grow so much by stepping out of my comfort zone. Prior to injury, this is not something I realized. Now, it sounds ridiculous to me, but I know that it's not. This is a difficult thing for many people, if not most people. Therefore, if it was possible to stay in my zone, I did. Period. End of story.

In the last three years, I have stepped out of this comfort zone so many times, I am beginning to think I am out of it more than I am in. Just thinking about all of these times, my heart begins racing! It causes huge anxiety in me, but I know that it makes me grow! I cherish the times I've done this and how much I have learned along the way.

The first time I can remember this being a significant deal was at the very beginning of Allen's injury. I had never travelled anywhere on my own. Getting on a plane, by myself was a huge deal for me. We tried everything to get my sister a flight to go with me but it just didn't work out. So, add on top of this the stress and anxiety about flying to Walter Reed to see my husband was a huge step! My sister and I talked about this just last weekend. I was so terrified to go alone and not to know what I would be walking into. However, looking back, we can see how much that one time changed me. I know that God has a plan for every step I take and this is just more proof!

That was just the first of many, steps out of the ole comfort zone I've taken in the last three years. I am so happy that I have had to do this time and time again. I'm also so thankful that I am able to see that this has made me personally grow so much. Now, I am happy to say that I often find myself taking these giant steps out of my zone, willingly! That doesn't mean it is always easy or doesn't cause significant anxiety in me. But, I am able to see the benefit instead of being so stuck in my ways that I can't see beyond that. I am able to take those steps that help myself but also others!

Pubic speaking is a huge step out of my comfort zone. However, I have had several opportunities in this arena that have been hugely rewarding. Allen and I were on the Oprah show, I served on the media panel for the AW2 Symposium last summer, and most recently I have been asked to be a keynote speaker at an Erase the Stigma Conference this summer in St. Louis, Missouri. While I easily could have said no and avoided the anxiety and fear it is causing, I said YES!! Although I am anxious, I know that I have an important story to tell and that I can do it!

Stepping out of my comfort zone has been hugely rewarding and I am looking forward to whatever God has in store for my life. I can now say with confidence, BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!

Even Now......Gina

Budding Actor on Our Hands

2011-02-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

One thing is for certain, every member of our family, as well as close friends have been changed in one way or another by Allen's injury. Our kids have had to sacrifice more than most and have been changed by this. I know that some of these changes have been negative, but most I think are positive. I sometimes think about how these injuries in their dad is changing who they are going to be, but I honestly think it is shaping them to be amazingly strong and compassionate young men.

Last September, our youngest, was able to begin taking a musical theatre class thanks to a grant we received from a great organization called, Our Military Kids. This organization, can be found at www.ourmilitarykids.org and gives grants for military kids to participate in extra curricular activities or tutoring. Without this grant, we would not have been able to put our son in this great class that has allowed him to focus on something he is interested in. It has also allowed me to focus on him, completely away from his dad's injury. He has thrived in this environment and found something he really loves.

His musical theatre class is offered through a local community college and a local theatre. It runs a semester long and he is currently taking his second semester of it. At the end of each semester the class does a production. They learn how to audition, learn lines, perform, get into character and a host of other live theatre essentials. At his production from first semester, there was a producer there from the large theatre venue in the community. The producer found our son after the show and personally invited him to come try out for the productions they are self producing this summer, specifically The King and I. Of course, we were all thrilled by this invitation! We knew for a very long time that our kid had talent, but to have a producer in the business see it to was thrilling for all of us.

We were totally new to all of this. I had no idea who auditions went or what was expected of him. Well, we soon found out. Last month he auditioned. Getting ready for this was quite the experience and a lot of work. We had to have head shots done, make a resume for my 7 year old, and he had to learn a song. So, he began voice lessons and learned his song. We had head shots done which turned out great! I researched online how to make a resume for him. And so it began. Auditions were scheduled for 4:00 Saturday. We got there and we signed him in. We had about 45 minutes to wait. Finally, he was called back. He had to go in alone while I waited in the big area with all of the other parents. He was the first one in his group to go. He had to get up and sing in front of the 2 producers and the piano player. He must have done ok as he was asked to come back the next day for movement. He said he was nervous. He wished it had been on the stage because then he would have been less nervous. He is completely comfortable on the stage which is beyond me!! The next day we drove the 60 miles back to call backs. That took all of 30 minutes. They announced that if we didn't hear anything by April 1, our kid probably didn't get a part. I was shocked! April 1st. Really?? That is a long time to wait!!

Well, we only had to wait 2 weeks!! We got the call on 8 February. The call came in the evening and as soon as Dreyson heard me ask about rehearsals he started screaming! He was so excited!! So, he got the part of a King's son for the musical The King and I. He will begin rehearsals in May and will perform 6 nights in June! He tells everyone now that he is royalty!! I can't wait to see him shine!! He has sacrificed so much in his young life, it's nice to see him being successful at something he loves!

Thank you Our Military Kids, for this amazing opportunity for my son to shine!!

Even Now......Gina

A Married, Single Mom

2011-02-15T06:51:00.001-08:00

I've wanted to write about this topic for quite awhile now. Yesterday, it hit me again, how difficult it is to be married, but yet very much a single mom. This may seem like a very odd or unrealistic status, but it rings very true for many within the wounded warrior community and possibly even outside of that.

The reason it hit me yesterday was because it was parent's night at our 8th grade son's basketball game. Our school does this for 8th grader's in sports, similar to a senior night at the High School level. Yesterday, as I was thinking about the event and being there for our son, I was really saddened to know that I would be the only one there for him, once again. Even though we are not a true single parent home, we often appear to be that way.

After being escorted across the court by my son, I was looking around at all of the different family situations surrounding me. There were kids there with one, two, three, and even four parents. I know that our kids are used to this, it's just the way our life is. However, I can't help but think about it from their perspective. Was our son relieved that it was just me? If my husband would have been here, could he have went down on the court in a crowded gymnasium to support our son? He would have had Frankie, his service dog with him. Would that have bothered our son? This son, in particular, hates to be the center of attention and is sometimes bothered by the extra attention Frankie brings. He is thankful his dad has her, but do we really stop to think or even talk about how it all affects our kids?

Currently, with Allen being away in California, this topic plays out many different ways. With him being away for treatment it is a little bit different than when he is home. However, just because he's home, doesn't mean he is being a dad. So, this means I am often a married, single parent. I know that a lot of this comes from Allen's fear and concern for our boys. He doesn't want to do something wrong when it comes to them so it is easier to just bow out. If he's not interacting with one of them, then he can't have an inappropriate incident with them whether that be losing his temper or accidentally hurting them in some way. So, in his PTSD way of thinking, it's better to just not interact with them at all than to risk hurting them. What he doesn't see is that his lack of interaction does hurt them, and me as well. Essentially, in many, many aspects, my boys have lost their dad. (We do have hope that this will not be permanent and that he is learning ways to have positive relationships with our kids.)

This really does affect all of us. It is hurtful to Allen in every way. He remembers the things he used to do with them and the way it used to be. The boys also remember this, (for the most part,) so it hurts them as well. It is really hard for a 7 year old and 14 year old to logically understand why this has changed. Then add in that they have been experiencing this for over 3 years now, from the ages of 4 and 11. I then have that added responsibility on my shoulders of being caregiver, wife, mom, dad, advocate, and everything else that goes along with all of this.

So, many things in the lives of the families of the wounded that people just don't realize. We have all sacrificed so much, and will continue to sacrifice the rest of our lives. This has changed who we all are and who our boys will grow up to be. (Not all negatively I might add.) It would be so nice, if our nation, our lawmakers, and the general public would take the time to get to know some of these families and their struggles. I think it would be shocking to many and possibly quite life changing. I know it has been for us.

Even Now......Gina

Nice Surprises

2011-02-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

A dear friend of mine once said, "Every once in a blue moon God gifts us with someone new in our lives who inspire and challenge us." (I would mention her name, but she knows who she is and I definitely feel the same way about her!) I think this is such a beautiful thing, and am so thankful that I have been blessed more than once by God with this amazing gift.

This week was my birthday. Last year, my birthday was not a good day. My husband completely forgot about it and so did both of my kids. (Let me remind you, kids were 6 and 13, and of course my husband doesn't remember most things with his TBI and PTSD!) And, of course, I was too stubborn to say anything to them to remind them. Instead, I chose to take it personally, and wallow in my hurt! So, as the day started getting closer this year, I decided I was going to choose to make it different. It didn't need to be a big day, but I at least wanted my immediate family to let me know they remembered and that they loved me!

I started reminding them late last week and it worked!! My parents and my sister always remember and make me feel special! However, both of my boys went and got me gifts, very nice gifts I might add and even remembered on the actual day to tell me! Allen remembered too by calling me first thing in the morning which is huge for him. (Of course, someone from my family might have reminded him without me knowing, but that's ok too!)

Another, completely unexpected surprise was from my good friend Renee', a fellow wounded warrior spouse. She sent me flowers that are beautiful. Every time I look at them I think about how blessed I am to have the amazing friends that I have. Most of my closest friends are people I have met since Allen was injured. Most of the friends I had before have fallen out of touch so my new friends are precious to me. They have been through similar situations as I have and completely "get it". These friendships are priceless.

It is so easy to get caught up in daily life and forget about the blessings we receive everyday. I just wanted to take this time to thank those of you in my life that are there for me. You love me without judgement and through thick and thin. I should tell you all more often how much you mean to me, but I don't. Life just happens and time gets away. So, I'm taking the time now to tell you all I love you and wouldn't be in the place I am in my life without your love and support.

Letter to Michelle Obama

2011-01-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Mrs. Obama,

I am the wife and a full time caregiver of a severely injured soldier. This journey began 21 November 2007, the day before Thanksgiving. We have been living with the effects of this day ever since. We have had many blessings and struggles along the way and continue to do so every day. I am committed to my marriage, my children, and my role as a caregiver and advocate. However, this is not an easy road to travel and I need your help.

My husband did suffer physical injuries initially, but now is left with the invisible ones, PTSD and TBI. His PTSD includes dissociative episodes, depression, migraines, anxiety, and nightmares just to name a few. Of course, this is all complicated by his TBI. This all affects our entire family in every way. We are struggling here, just to have safety and peace within our own home.

Living with someone with PTSD on this level is lonely and frightening. There are not many that have it to this extent or level. I have had numerous professionals tell me that his is the worst they have seen. I can't decide if they tell me this to comfort me or to sympathize with me. We have several people in paid positions who are supposed to be advocating for the care he needs. Often times, they too do not have any answers for us. Therefore I am left to search for some answers, which has led me to reach out to you.

Currently, my husband Allen is in a residential treatment program in Yountville, California called The Pathway Home. It is a program that I found on my own, after several months of searching, and that is really a last resort for us. If this program is unable to get my husband to a safe place with his PTSD, we will have to search for a place he can reside long term. That is a worst case scenario for us but one we may very well have to face. It just may not be safe for him to live at home with us any longer. He has severe dissociative episodes where he has a complete break from reality. These episodes put him in full combat mode and everything he sees is in his head. While in this mode, he is a soldier defending himself and his guys. He may be in a fire fight or hand to hand combat. Anything becomes a weapon, and we never know if we are on his side or if we are the enemy. These episodes are very frightening for all of us and our boys, ages 14 and 7, have witnessed them numerous times as well.

I know that we are not the only family facing these challenges. Families like mine are fighting everyday to get care, treatment, and benefits for their hero and their family. Often times we end up being labeled a "benefit seeker" and therefore get fewer benefits than we genuinely deserve and need. With a spouse suffering like mine, I am unable to work and help provide for our family, so we are counting on those benefits our family has already sacrificed so much for. It just shouldn't be this hard. We shouldn't still have to fight the war once our spouses come home. But, the reality is, we do. My husband's VA claim was submitted 15 months ago, and we are still waiting for a rating. That means that since May, when Allen was medically retired from the Army, we have been living on half of the income he was making on active duty. This is a financial disaster for us with no hopes of a recovery since we can look forward to living on a set income for the rest of our lives.

Another issue we are personally facing is housing. We own our home, but there are huge environmental triggers very close to us that contribute to my husband's dissociative episodes. A mile from our house is a rock quarry that blasts 1-4 times a day, depending on the weather. This shakes our house and is perceived by my husband as incoming. Right across the street, about 100 yards away, is a very busy railroad depot. Therefore they connect the trains right next to us and they boom together and once again, vibrate our house. Since we live in the city limits in the Midwest, we also deal with weekly tests of the tornado sirens. These are the same sirens they use in a combat zone to alert our troops of incoming. All of these things are constantly triggering Allen and sending him right back into combat. That leaves me and my children fighting to bring him back home. We have to shove him in the shower and get cold water on him to bring him back. We do not have a walk-in shower, so often this is a physical fight getting him there. He has also escalated to a much more resistant state during these episodes and has started becoming very physical with us as we try to get him back. Because we are still waiting for benefits, we cannot get our house on the market and try to purchase another one away from these triggers. The non-profits out there that are building mortgage free homes for wounded warriors do not consider the invisible wounded for their programs.

I applaud you, Mrs. Obama, for bringing awareness and attention to the whole military family, rather than just the service member. It is exciting to see things begin to change for families like mine. However, we still have such a long way to go and I pray that we will get there. Families that have already sacrificed so much should not be worrying about all of these issues I've shared with you today. We, as a nation, have to become engaged in taking care of our military families, especially the wounded ones. We need programs to help treat PTSD. We need financial assistance so that our families can have our basic needs met without worrying where our next meal will come from. We need safety nets in place that will prevent families from falling through the cracks, especially our National Guard and Reservists. We need the backlog within the military MEB and VA claims to be depleted. Our children need to have protection and security and know that we will be alright. The general public needs to become aware of these issues facing the ones who have fought for their freedom. There are so many little things they can do that would make our lives so much easier. We need your help in getting these needs met.

There is much more I could share with you. I could go on and on with example after example from my family alone. However, I hope I have gotten my message across with the small pieces I have shared with you. Given my personal experiences and my conversations with families like mine from all over the country I urge you to push forward with raising awareness about our wounded warriors and their families and to make some real change in the programs and benefits available to our heroes. I am committed to assist in any way I can beyond my own family by speaking, advocating, and continuing to share our story. Please, consider these things and let's find some relief, resources, and assistance for The Bravest Families in America.

Very Respectfully,

Gina Hill

Spouse & Caregiver of (Ret) SSgt. Allen C. Hill

Love and Support are Not Always the Easy Choice

2011-01-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

I had a great conversation with a very close friend this morning about many things. This friend is a psychiatrist and has become much like family for us. We value his help he has freely given us through many crisis situations and the overall support he provides for us. He in turn, shared with me this morning how much we teach him. He told me how often he talks about us, and our story with his own patients in DC. He specifically asked me to write this post, to share with everyone one part of our conversation today.

As a caregiver/spouse especially, but also any family member of someone suffering from PTSD, we have to remember to always support and love our wounded warrior. This love and support comes in many different forms and often is not easy. I know this sounds silly to be telling people this but it just isn't as plain and easy at it seems. We have to be able to separate the individual from the illness. My husband dissociates and can be very dangerous and frightening when he does this. However, I know that he is not choosing this behavior. It is something totally out of his control, much like someone with epilepsy. They are not choosing to have seizures, rather it is something out of their control that happens. My husband is not intentionally being dangerous or frightening, it is a symptom of his illness. It is not who he is and does not define him. However, it is something that happens and therefore something we all have to be prepared to deal with. We still love and support him the best way we can.

Another part of this love and support is knowing when to step back. This is a tough one, probably one of the hardest parts of this and comes in often. Many things that my husband witnessed and had to do in war are horrific and have contributed to his PTSD. Because of these things, my husband often withdraws or gets depressed. It is natural for me to want to know what is on his mind, to know what is weighing on him so heavily. However, I have learned, that much of the time I just have to let that go. I have to let him own that and not insist that he share it with me. As a spouse, I find that I always want to know what is bothering him. After all, I am his spouse. He should trust me enough to share anything and everything with me! This is the wrong mindset for a couple dealing with PTSD. It's not that he is trying to be secretive, it's that he is trying to protect me from those horrors. As a man, he feels it is his job to protect me and due to his injuries he often can't do this. Well, as long as I can let him, this is one way he can still protect me. He can protect me from the horrors he participated in, witnessed, or whatever the case may be. I HAVE to allow him to do this without taking it personally.

I learned this lesson early on thankfully, but that doesn't mean that it always comes naturally. Often our heroes are ashamed of the things they had to do as well as the emotions they experienced in response to these actions. It is an extremely vulnerable place for them to be and I don't think we can ever fully grasp that vulnerability unless we have walked in their shoes. As their spouse/caregiver, we have to allow them the space they need, and let them know that we love and support them always. We are here for them for anything, but we also understand their need to protect us. Thank them for that. Let them know that you realize this. I think it will make a big difference for the both of you.

Even Now......Gina

Safety

2011-01-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

Safety is something that most people take for granted. We get in our car and put on our seat belt without even thinking about it. Why do we do this? To be safe. We make our kids wear bike helmets when they ride their bike to be safe. I could go on and on with examples of things we do, without really thinking about them, for our own safety. We have entire government departments that deal with safety. There are warning labels on EVERYTHING, for our safety. It is something we just do, without even thinking about it most of the time. It is something we expect and simply take for granted.

I too, am guilty of taking my safety for granted. I have even take my families safety for granted. However, for families like ours, who have a loved one with severe PTSD, safety is something that becomes a top priority. Those little things you have never thought about before, suddenly become top priority. It becomes the most important part of your life. Anything else is just a bonus some days. There are many, many reasons and examples of this. All it takes to see just what I am talking about is to read a newspaper or talk to someone like me.

I've spent quite a bit of time with my counselor discussing this. I just emailed her to make an appointment for tomorrow to talk about this very thing. It has been very difficult for me to grasp the fact that I can't protect my husband from everything, nor can I protect the world from him. Sometimes, he does some very scary stuff. He dissociates and acts out whatever it is that is going on inside his head at the time, which always involves some kind of combat. This is often terrifying for me, and I know him. I can't imagine what it would look like to someone who doesn't know him. During these dissociative episodes he has also done some very dangerous things that have thankfully not ended with anyone getting hurt. However, I can tell you that a couple of the episodes could have very easily made headlines had they went a little bit different than they did.

I've followed a story out of North Dakota very closely. A young veteran suffering from severe PTSD led police on a high speed chase. He had several guns in his vehicle and more than enough ammunition to do major damage. Thankfully, it didn't have a tragic ending. No one was hurt, but this young hero is now facing several felonies. He is currently in treatment for his PTSD but will have to face the judicial system soon. This very easily could have been us.

These stories are becoming more and more common all across the United States. Just google veteran and police encounters. Another big thing to google is suicide by police. This is becoming an epidemic in our country and it doesn't look like there is an end coming any time soon. We are grasping at ways to treat these guys. We simply do not have much out there for them to get help.

Pile all of this onto a family this hits very close to home to, and it is all incredibly scary. Is there somewhere residential, that guys like this can live to keep them and their families safe? Not that I know of. Instead they would end up in a nursing home on an alzheimer's unit. Really? Is this the best we can do for our heroes? How is a young guy going to be at peace or have a little bit of happiness in their life living in a nursing home? How are our families going to be safe? Could you live with yourself if you were the one that had to make these decisions? For some of us, we have to. We have no choice. We can't take our safety for granted.

Now as a little disclaimer, I am not currently having to make decisions like this. However, I'm also very aware that I may face this at some point. I pray this isn't the case, but I also have to be very realistic and know that God will never give me more than I can handle. I am strong and I have grown so much through all of this. I know that if the time ever comes that I am facing this, I will make it through. Also, if anyone you know is facing anything like this, you are not alone. There are many of us out there that live with this uncertainty everyday. I, for one, get "it."

Even Now........Gina

Selfish vs. Survival

2011-01-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

A few posts back, I wrote about the selfishness of PTSD. I still think that PTSD is a very selfish beast, but recently I have had more thoughts on the subject and wanted to share. In my previous post, I really didn't understand what I think I have now figured out on the subject. It is really quite simple, and yet very complex at the same time.

The selfish beast is called survival. My husband is not being selfish because he's just become a selfish being. Rather, he is being selfish because it's all he knows to do. You see, when one is so busy just surviving, there isn't much time left to think about anyone else. Thus, others might perceive this as being selfish. When in all reality, it's not selfish at all. He can't take care of anyone else if he can't first take care of himself.

During the current conflicts, my husband was deployed for almost 3 years. Of these 3 years, he was only home for 60 days somewhere in the middle. That makes for a lot of time spent surviving. He learned that no one else was going to protect him and that there was danger lurking around every corner. He learned that ANYONE could be his enemy, and also that ANYTHING could be used as a weapon. There was simply no time to think about anything other than keeping himself safe. No one can blame him for that.

After being home for 3 years, he is still in survival mode. In his mind, danger still lurks everywhere and he simply can not let down his guard. He doesn't trust anyone outside of our close circle and is suspicious of most things. He is doing what he was conditioned to do for years. He is surviving for himself and for us. His goal was to come home in one piece. He regularly told me he didn't want to come home "all jacked up." He didn't think it would be fair to me or the boys. In his mind, he is still trying to come home. It's not that he doesn't logically know he's home, but he just has a hard time staying present. He fights intrusive thoughts, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, nightmares, insomnia, anger, rage, depression, suicidal thoughts.....well, you get my point. He is still fighting for his life.

Does this make him selfish? Or is he only surviving?

Even Now...........Gina

Stigma of the Spouse: Why Am I the Bad Guy?

2011-01-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

Guess I'm just sort of in a ranting kind of funk lately! Not sure what it is, but there are just some things lately that I really feel the need to get off of my chest. Today, it happens to be the fact that as a spouse and full time caregiver for my wounded warrior, I am often viewed as the bad guy. I'm not sure what this stigma is all about, but I'm about to lay out my two cents on this topic!

Thankfully I personally have not experienced this a lot, until recently. I don't think I've still really had a lot of this, but I do know that many spouses have. While I have made the choice that I am in my marriage for the long haul, for better or for worse, I understand that many spouses just can't make that same choice. As I've written about before, it is EXTREMELY difficult being married to someone who only remotely resembles the person you married. I also understand that every marriage is different. I think a lot of it depends on how strong the foundation of the marriage was before injury. If there were some pretty major problems before injury, should a spouse be required to stick it out just because their husband was sent to war and came home a new person? Each person has to make these decisions for themselves and they are not easy decisions to make, either way. Yes the soldier made huge sacrifices for our nation and will pay that price the rest of their life. However, the part that is often overlooked is that the spouse and/or kids have also made huge sacrifices that are going to continue the rest of their lives as well. I do not believe that it is possible to be so closely touched by war and not be changed. So then, why should the spouse be judged or looked down upon because they couldn't make their marriage work? Last time I checked, a marriage takes 2! (I really think it takes 3 cause I know I wouldn't still be here without God!)

Another side to this is that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. I have a friend who recently split from her husband and that is what she said about it. On the outside, he looks like he has it all together and has made the best of his life since his injury. However, he doesn't admit or address the PTSD issues that do plague him. He can hold it together until he's at home and she is the one that takes the brunt of it. I'm sure that they are not the only ones. She hung in there as long as she could, but just couldn't do it anymore. There is no reason she should ever feel or be looked at as the bad guy. Every situation is different and each has their own set of dynamics that only the couple know about. That doesn't make it ok for anyone looking in to judge either of them.

Everyday I see the support our wounded warriors receive because of their selfless sacrifice to our country. I think this is amazing and really think that there should be a lot more! I don't however see much support for the spouses, except for the support we give one another and the couple of organizations there for them like Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives. I am here to tell you that the spouses and families of these heroes are towing the line every single day. They are sacrificing enormous amounts to love and support their wounded warrior who is generally seen as a hero. Well in this spouse's eyes, the family members are heroes too. They deserve just as much support and respect as the wounded warrior receives. Many of us have given up so much of our own needs, dreams, and careers, in order to take care of our wounded warrior. Why then, are we the bad guys when anything goes wrong? Is it because we are the one not injured? Or, is it because we didn't sacrifice for our nation? Is it because we are not a hero protecting our freedoms? Well, I can tell you this for sure. If it weren't for the love and support from the families at home, these soldiers would not be able to do what they do for our country. Therefore, soldiers and their families should be given the same respect and support they all deserve.

Personally, I have felt this judgement from some of the people at the program my husband is currently at. The 20th of this month will make his 4 month anniversary there and up until last week, I had not received one bit of communication from anyone there other than my husband. (And that communication was simply a phone call to my cell phone when his counselor wanted to have a marriage counseling session right then, on the phone, with no consideration as to what I had going on.) I understand that they want him to regain his independence, and so do I. I understand that for this to happen he has to really step up to the plate and I have to let him. However, I don't think this justifies no communication for the spouse who has been there for him 24/7 for the last 3 years! I felt it when I was there helping him settle in but I just couldn't exactly put my finger on what it was. Well, I figured it out. They really have become very jaded when it comes to spouses. I recently had a conversation with a volunteer there whom we have become very good friends with and she shed some light on it for me. She explained that it is very seldom that they have a guy come through with a supportive wife. If they are still married, they rarely have a spouse who is still there for the right reasons. Therefore, they really do not communicate with anyone other than the wounded warrior. However, they do offer counseling for couples and families, but other than this it really is all on the warrior to convey anything.

Because of this jaded perspective on spouses, I have felt the stigma. I must say that it is not a good feeling and it really makes me feel for those spouses who have made the difficult decision that in order to take care of themselves, they could not stay in their marriage. After all, anyone who knows anything about being a caregiver knows that in order to be a caregiver, we must first take care of ourselves. Please then, do not judge those who have to leave a marriage in order to do this. It's not an easy decision either way, and neither choice deserves judgement. Or, if a spouse is simply venting about their husband/wife, do not just assume that it must be the spouse's fault and never the fault of the veteran. As with all of life, it is still a two way street!

Even Now......Gina

Shhhhhhhhhhhh.......It's THAT Subject No One Wants to Talk About

2011-01-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, a fellow wounded warrior spouse wrote about a very difficult subject on her blog. You can find her post here http://armyreservistwife.blogspot.com/2011/01/between-sheets-ptsd-position-of-sex.html I commend Uncle Sam's Mistress for being open and honest enough to talk so candidly about such a private topic. This topic is one that I have no doubt affects most of us whose spouse is suffering from PTSD and/or TBI.

Instead of rehashing everything Uncle Sam's Mistress said in her post I linked to above, I would encourage you to read that post before continuing through mine. I will also say that while most of what she talks about in that post I can completely relate to and feel like I could have written myself, there are some definite things she talks about that I have not experienced. While our experiences seem to be very similar, we each have our own stories and experiences.

This topic is one I've thought about blogging about many times, but, because I do use our names, I hesitate. This is also a topic that I've wanted to bring up in counseling, but again, never really had the courage to do it. Well, today I decided that if Uncle Sam's Mistress could be so candid I could do it too. Not only am I writing about it and sharing it with whoever happens to read it, but I also opened up with my counselor this afternoon. This brings me to my post. I really felt it was necessary to share some of what I learned today in my session.

For me, the lack of intimacy is a great loss. When I talk about intimacy, I mean sex, but I also mean that connection that comes along with it. The playfulness, the looks, the I know what you are thinking from across the room, the I can't wait till later, the physical touch, the sitting beside one another to watch a movie, the holding hands in the car. You know, all THAT stuff. So, this is the stuff I talked about today with my amazing counselor.

I think the thing that has scared me most about bringing this up with anyone is the fact that I KNOW it's not just my husband anymore that doesn't do these things. Or, that even finds these things hard to do. I know that I miss these things but I also know that I'm not initiating them anymore and not sure that I even want to. Physical touch is difficult for my husband, and rightfully so due to his PTSD. However, it shouldn't be so hard for me, I don't have the PTSD he has. At least this is what I thought, until today. While I do not have PTSD, I do have secondary PTSD which can make physical touch difficult for me. I am also a full time caregiver for my husband which also puts a damper on intimacy.

First let's talk about the caregiver portion of this equation. As a caregiver, especially one of our generation, we would normally be giving care to our kids, not our husbands. However, with the wars our generation has been part of, more and more of us are finding ourselves caring for our husbands. So, when I look at this, I can see that I am used to caring for my kids, but have been thrown into caring full time for my husband and have been doing so for 3 years now. So, it's only natural that I might start finding it difficult to see my husband in a sexual or desirous way. After all, I definitely would never look at my kids in this way. However, with this being said, it doesn't mean that I can't work on seeing my husband that way again. I just have to make a conscience effort to see him that way. I have to open myself up to be vulnerable to him again and swallow my stubborn pride to take the initiative myself. Now, I never said this was going to be easy, but realistically what I may have to do to regain this part of our lives.

Another part of this equation is that with PTSD and TBI, their brains simply do not work the same way they used to. Now I'm sure if you are living with someone with these injuries, logically you know this. That does not make it any less hurtful though, when we are rejected or treated more like a platonic roommate rather than a wife. As the uninjured partner here though, we have to make adjustments in our behaviors and actions to compensate for this change in our spouse. For example, we have to learn to ask for exactly what we want. For us, I really miss laying on the couch together and watching movies. We used to do this all the time and it NEVER happens anymore. Oh, we still watch movies, but I lay on the couch and he sits in his chair, which happen to be across the room from each other. So what I need to do, is tell him that I would really like or I really need, for him to sit on the couch with me to watch the movie. The worst he can do is say No. The reason I need to do this is because his brain makes the gray areas very fuzzy. He isn't able to pull out what I need if I don't tell him. He doesn't get implied meanings or those subtle hints that he could before injury. If I don't tell him what I need or want, he doesn't know it on his own. Seems pretty simple but again, something that takes a conscience effort on my part. This can also be as simple as telling him I need him to look at me while I tell him about my day or whatever it is. But, it can also be more in depth and detailed to meet any situation.

One of the other things that I find in my situation is that I regularly hold in my own feelings in order to protect my husband's. I think that if he really knew some of the things I feel he would take that on as guilt. He carries so much guilt as it is, I would never do anything to add to that. Therefore, I often find myself afraid to talk about certain things. Really this is unfair of me, because I am withholding valuable information from him and it is hurting our intimacy. I can't protect him from everything, and my feelings are my feelings. They are nothing he should feel guilty about. We both have to work on this so that he doesn't take my feelings on as guilt and so that I do not constantly try to protect him from my feelings. It just ends up being a vicious cycle that ends up hurting us both. I am working on ways to word things so that I still get my "stuff" across to him without making him uncomfortable or hurt. This is a huge one for me that is my issue more than it is his. I'm also actively working on this issue and trying to implement it into our lives.

The last part I want to talk about right now is that all of this is going to take time and patience. None of this is going to change overnight, unlike the way our wounded warriors seemed to have changed so quickly. It also is not going to be easy to make these conscience changes. However, I know that my husband and I deserve to have the intimacy back in our relationship, even if that means I have to pick up the slack. After all, I love him with all of my heart!

Even Now.......Gina

Back into the Routine

2011-01-05T09:01:00.001-08:00

Well the holidays have come and gone once again. The entire season of the holidays, Thanksgiving through New Years, is such a roller coaster of emotion for families injured by war. I saw so many posts on facebook and blogs about the ups and downs of wounded warriors during this time. I'm not sure what it is that causes it, but I do know that most of my friends in the wounded warrior community are sure ready for this time of year to be over!

This was a unique year for us. With Allen still being gone for treatment, we still had our share of emotional moments, but we had relative calmness as well. When we took Allen to California and left him, it was the first time he's been away from us in 3 years. That's a lot of togetherness considering neither one of us have been able to have a job outside of the house that entire 3 years! So, just the fact that he wasn't hear was hard for all of us.

Allen passed the holidays by sleeping. The Pathway Home really kept Christmas and New Years very low key. They did some decorating before the holiday, but then just let the guys do their own thing on that day. I was surprised when they didn't have a dinner or anything for them, but then I thought about it a little more. By not doing anything official, it let each guy there do whatever they wanted. There was no pressure to attend a dinner or celebration. If they wanted to pretend it was a normal day, they could. Or if they wanted to "catch up on their sleep" like my husband chose to do, they could and not feel bad about missing something. After seeing what many went through during this time, I think The Pathway made the right choice.

As for us back home, we definitely missed Allen but it really was ok. We talked to him on the phone many times throughout the day and carried on our normal traditions. We all know that he is where he needs to be right now, so that he can get better. At one point I was a little sad, but then I remembered the Christmas before this one. I remember getting so mad at him that morning while the boys were opening their presents because he slept through the whole thing! He was in the room with us, but could not keep his eyes open for anything. This year was honestly better, because he could do what he wanted in a place he is safe, and we could do our traditions and include him by talking with him on the phone throughout the day. Don't get me wrong, we definitely missed him, but we all are so blessed.

New Years was no big deal for us. We always go to my sister's house to hang out with friends there. Allen and I were actually married at her house on New Years so it is extra special. Again, we talked to him several times and he called us when it was midnight here. That one doesn't seem near as emotional as Christmas does. Allen went to the movies with a group from The Pathway Home and had a good, low key night as well.

So, now that the boys are back in school, I'm back to volunteering and running this house, and Allen is back to his classes, all is well in our little corner of the world for now. Basketball season has started with the first game tomorrow and musical theater class will be starting again later this month. Routines help all of us settle in and get on track. While I love celebrating the birth of our Savior, it sure it nice to get back to the norm.

Even Now.......Gina

He is Moving in Us

2010-12-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

Church this morning was amazing! We had a guest preacher whose sermon really touched me. It was related to Christmas but then again, not so much. The first part was based on the story of Mary, when the angel came to her and told her she would birth Jesus (Luke 1:26-38). Mary, a virgin engaged to Joseph was told she was going to carry and deliver Jesus! The pastor, Dave Burns, spoke of how much this must have "freaked her out!" However, because of her faith, she trusted that all would be well. She was literally pregnant with Jesus! There was no hiding it and many people would cast judgement on her, including her soon to be husband! But even with all of these things, she was His servant, and trusted that it would all be alright!

The second part was based on Matthew 1:18-25 which tells Joseph's side of this new revelation that his fiancee was pregnant. In those days especially this was a huge deal. Joseph really struggled with what he should do and even considered breaking things off with Mary. But, once again, through faith, he trusted Mary, and did everything he could to support Mary and the child she would birth! It just amazes me the strength and character that both Mary and Joseph show us through these two stories.

The pastor went on to show us how this pertains to our lives today, which really hit home for me. How many of us are in Mary's shoes, where God is working miracles in our lives and we have to have faith that He has a plan and knows what He is doing? Then there are the Joseph's, who may be in a supportive role for those receiving the miracle. How should we support those around us we love who are in the midst of a miracle? Do we doubt, or have faith?? How many of us are pregnant with a miracle from Jesus that is growing inside us? Yes, it may freak us out, but we must embrace and support it!

I know I'm not explaining it near as well as he did, but I hope you get the picture. Now, why this hit home for me. Allen is Mary. God is working a miracle in him through The Pathway Home. We were literally in a very bad situation with Allen and his PTSD. It had become VERY dangerous and we were desperately trying to find a program to help him find safety and peace. We had looked for a few months but nothing was working out. The VA said he wasn't stable enough for their program and medicare and tricare kept saying it was the VA's job to treat his PTSD. Oh a whim, I contacted The Pathway Home and we flew him there 3 weeks later. If this wasn't a miracle, I don't know what was! The miracle is still unfolding as he gets help there. His confidence is building and his coping skills are growing! It is truly miraculous!

Since Allen is Mary, that makes me Joseph! I of course had my fears and doubts, but I know that He has a plan for all of us. I also know that He didn't save Allen in Iraq to come home and live a horrible, traumatized life. I know that He has plan for Allen, me and our family and that once we are ready, He will show it to us. In the mean time, I have to support Allen the best way I can and constantly seek guidance from our Lord almighty!

I can see how these stories relate to so many lives, probably every one's. I'm sure that we each face being like Mary and Joseph many times throughout our life. I hope that by me sharing how this amazing sermon touched my life, it will in turn touch another.

Even Now.......Gina

Missing Daddy

2010-12-09T11:49:00.000-08:00

We are all really missing Allen lately. We all made it through Thanksgiving relatively easy, thankfully. I honestly did not think that the holidays would be that big of a hurdle for us, after all, this isn't the first time he's been away for an extended period of time. On top of that, we get to talk to him as much and as often as we want to, which is so much easier than the deployments. We sometimes went an entire month without hearing a word from him, so this should be EASY!!

Well, it's not! This week I think it really hit me. I always have our tree up by the weekend after Thanksgiving if not the weekend before. Here it is the 9th of December, and I'm still in the process of getting it up! What is wrong with ME?? I finally rearranged the furniture on Sunday so we had room for a tree. Then, yesterday I made my way to the attic to drag down on the stuff! Tree first. I manage to get it all down and into the house and put up the first layer of the prelit tree. Half of it doesn't light, and one branch is bent so far down it is touching the floor. Not quite what I was expecting! And of course, we've used this tree for the last 7 years or so, and it's this year it decides to act crazy! A year when Allen isn't here to fix it for me! I simply sat down in defeat and decided to call my dad. He came over later that evening and managed to get the branch bent back up and sometime during the afternoon the lights came on too. So, I decide to go on up with the rest of it, after being at a complete standstill all afternoon! The rest of it went up but a couple of rows of lights in the middle didn't light. We decided to leave them on for awhile, maybe they needed to warm up! After being on all night, they should have been warm but they still weren't lit. I guess Dreyson could see my sense of defeat and sadness and he told me it was all okay because it would still be beautiful without all the lights turned on! Man, I love that kid! I was ready to throw it to the curb and go buy a new one, but not something we really should be spending money on while we wait for Allen's VA claim to come through.

Through all of this ordeal the last two days, I realized how much Allen really does around here. As much as I take care of him, he still does so much to help me. He is definitely missed around here!! He seems to be doing pretty well still. I don't think it will really bother him being away for the holidays as they are not an easy time of the year for him anyway. He's really pretty lost in his own world this time of year, but we have felt his absence. Dreyson hasn't called him Daddy for several years now, but has recently began referring to him as that again. (Of course, this is very touching for me, but I haven't mentioned it because I don't want him to become self conscience about it.) I think it's just a sign that he misses him too. He stayed home sick from school the other day and told me he wished his daddy was here cause daddy helps take care of him when he's sick.

Makale is a little more reserved with his emotions and harder to read by nature, but also because he's a teenager. However, I see it in the little things. He often will text or call his dad and has been doing it a lot more recently. We are all affected by his absence.

As difficult as these past couple of days have been on my emotions it has been really good for me to reflect on these feelings. Being a full time caregiver for someone with a mental illness like Allen's is very difficult and often hard to stay emotionally connected. This time has given me pause to reflect on this love I have for him and how much I really need him instead of the other way around all the time. I'm also thankful that I'm able to see these things and know that it's only through God's grace and understanding that I can.

Even Now......Gina

PTSD: A Selfish Beast

2010-12-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

One thing I have noticed about PTSD is how selfish it causes those suffering to be. Now, don't get me wrong, it causes a ton of other things too, but this is one that has hit me several times throughout this journey. It reared it's ugly head again today. It came up during a phone conversation with one of my best friend's who is also the spouse of a severely injured soldier who suffers from PTSD. Then, as if it knew I had been talking about it, it decided to present itself once again in my own husband today!

This is a really hard change to accept in Allen. Before suffering so severely from PTSD, he was one of the most selfless people I knew. He always put me and the kids first in everything, often to his own demise. He would have much rather gone without himself than to have one of us in want of anything. Notice, I said want, not need. He was just that kind of guy! I think this is partly what makes this uncharacteristic trait more difficult to adjust to.

It is crazy to me how PTSD seems to make those who suffer from it, unable to view things from anyone's perspective other than their own. No matter the subject, it is impossible for me to get any other view point, other than his own, through his head. He simply cannot see it! This makes it extremely frustrating as a spouse trying to adjust to a radically new personality of my husband. But the bigger picture is how it affects our kids and the relationship they have with their dad. It is often like a sibling relationship instead of a parent/child relationship. It is really difficult to get my husband to see anything from the perspective of our kids. This damages the relationships he has with our kids and puts me in the middle of it all. I end up being the moderator instead of the supporter. Or, it makes it impossible for him to support me in what I am doing with the kids at the time. It is a really weird dynamic and I am struggling to explain it all here.

Today, I noticed it during a conversation I was having with him on the phone. It wasn't about our kids or anything, but the selfishness was definitely at the forefront. Allen was telling me about a project some of the guys participated in over the weekend. They had the opportunity to go pack boxes to be sent to troops deployed to Afghanistan with a couple of other organizations out there. He says he wasn't personally invited, but he could have went if he had wanted to. He went on to say that he wouldn't have went even if he had been personally asked to go. I just don't understand this thinking of his. He loves the troops! He is sick to death that he was medically retired and does not have the hopes of ever being on active duty again. So, what a perfect project for a guy like that!! The Allen unaffected by PTSD would have loved to participate in such an event. The post PTSD Allen couldn't think past himself to see what good it would have done for the troops and himself! Maybe I see this all wrong, but I don't think so. I know it also has to do with the depression and headaches, but I can't help but see the selfishness in it as well. It simply breaks my heart.

Now a little disclaimer. Please do not judge my husband or myself just because I choose to write about something I see as a negative characteristic he is struggling with. I also have to follow this up with he is in California, so he truly may have not felt well that day. I could be viewing this one incident completely wrong! Just remember that we are all always a work in progress and my husband is a trooper and is working very hard to beat this PTSD Beast!!

Even Now.......Gina

Allen and Frankie

2010-12-03T06:09:00.001-08:00

I've been asked several times lately about Frankie and Allen in one way or another. A common one recently is how has Frankie changed or helped our family. I started to respond to the last email that asked me this question, but then decided I should blog about it instead so I don't have to keep rewriting this topic! So, thanks Brianna for sending me the message asking about Frankie and Allen!

Frankie came into our lives in January 2009. The last week of January and the first week of February of that year Allen and I flew to Denver, Colorado to do an intense training session with Frankie and some of the best dog trainers around! For Allen and Frankie, it was an immediate connection, almost love at first sight! Before going to Colorado, Puppies Behind Bars had told Allen a little about both dogs that would be there. Samba is a black lab who is very laid back and loving! Frankie, a yellow lab, is always ready to go and eager to please. These two dogs couldn't be more different! Even before seeing her, Allen kept saying that Frankie was meant for him! I kept telling him not to get his hopes up for a certain one because I didn't want him to get disappointed! Well, he was right, Frankie was meant to be his!

The bond the two of them have is unexplainable. I have so many pictures I have snapped of the two of them and more often than not, she is glaring up at him waiting to work for him. They are extremely devoted to one another and I am convinced that they complete each other. The things Frankie does for Allen are unending. The list and this post could go on and on but I will try to explain some of what they do for each other.

One of Allen's biggest issues besides his PTSD is depression. He would go days in bed before getting Frankie and nothing could drag him out. Our kids would try, I would try, other family and friends would try but sometimes nothing was going to get him out of that bed or his recliner, whichever the case may be. Once Frankie came into our lives, she was that key to getting him up and out. He has the sole responsibility of her entire care so he has no choice but to get up to take care of her. The only time I will do it for him is if he is physically unable to do it. This is a critical part of keeping their bond so close and also the key to her being able to get him up. He knows that she has to be fed, watered, exercised, pottied, brushed, and so on to be well cared for. He also knows how hard she works for him that these things are the least he can do for her.

Another thing I notice is his confidence. He knows that if he hears something and Frankie is still relaxed, it probably wasn't anything to get too concerned over. She also gives him the courage and confidence to go out into public. While sometimes this can cause other attention from curious people, he knows with her by his side he can do it and get through tough situations. I also think that she makes me have more confidence in him. I trust her to get him through and to take care of him.

Recently, Allen has been working with a dog trainer at The Pathway Home. She is teaching him how to better use Frankie to get him through high anxiety moments. When he starts feeling his anxiety levels rise, he gets as close to Frankie as possible, and begins focusing all of his attention on her. He pets her, talks to her, and focuses on her breathing and tries to match his breathing with hers. This steadies his breathing and makes him forget whatever it was that had his anxiety rising. It is really quite amazing to watch these intimate moments take place between a wounded man and his dog.

Frankie has truly become a member of our family like I never imagined would happen. She goes everywhere with us and is constantly working for all of us by keeping my husband in the present where it is safe. She is the first to notice when he starts to slip away to that place that causes so much anxiety and immediately starts pawing or licking him. She grounds him like no person has been able to.

Allen had really become very dependent on me and had lost most of his confidence in himself. Frankie is playing a huge part in helping him gain these things back. Recently he has started going to the movies weekly and actually making it through a movie. He goes bowling every Monday which is a very noisy place full of lots of triggers. The first few times he went he just watched with Frankie on his lap!! Last week he started participating! He is walking to the gym nearly every morning, when it's still DARK, and working out, with Frankie! Honestly, I am completely amazed and thrilled that he is gaining so much of his independence and life back. He is beginning to participate in his own life again, not just be a spectator!

One other thing I want to mention about Frankie is what she is doing for him at The Pathway Home. Allen is currently in California at The Pathway Home. This is half the country away from home for him. He is gaining so much there I can't even describe! It's a miracle really. He had slipped so far before going there I wasn't sure he would ever gain his life back. I am so thankful he had Frankie to go with him. I really do not think he would have agreed to go without her. She is a huge part of our family and I think that helps him feel less alone there. He made it through Thanksgiving with her, and now we are working on the rest of the holidays and being separated. The boys and I miss them both terribly but also know that they will be back home when Allen is better!!

Even Now......Gina

Reflections on Allen's 3rd Alive Day

2010-11-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

Today has been a very hard day for the last 3 years. 3 years ago today it was the day before Thanksgiving and my family had gathered at my sister's house for Thanksgiving. We were busy preparing for the big meal the next day when my cell phone rang. I looked at caller ID and saw Allen's ex wife's number. I figured it was my step son calling to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. Little did I know, my life was going to change drastically after that phone call.

The army had tried to get in touch with me for several hours but had only been calling my home number. Allen's command had not bothered to check his emergency contact list to get my cell number. When they couldn't reach me, they finally gave up and called Allen's dad who also did not know my cell number. He then called Allen's ex wife hoping she had my number, which she did. So, imagine my surprise when I answer my phone expecting my step son, but instead hear his ex wife's voice. I remember her telling me she had something she had to tell me but that I needed to sit down. She said the army had been trying to get in touch with me and I needed to call my father in law. She also said that Allen had been critically injured in Iraq but that was all she knew. I hung up with her and called my father in law. He said the same thing and that I needed to call a number. At this point, my dad took over the call for me because I was in shock. The details are very fuzzy to me after this point.

I do know that I flew to Walter Reed on Sunday and finally got to see my husband. He was excited to see me but then was ready to get back to his guys! He's definitely a soldier! He ended up being in ICU that night and then moved to the floor the next day. Allen remained in the hospital there for almost 2 weeks and then was out patient there until the middle of March. Thankfully, I was able to stay there with him that entire time.

Looking back at all of this, I can honestly say that we've been blessed. It was a terrible thing that happened to him, but then again war is a horrific event. He is haunted still by all that he saw and did the entire time he was there. We are all changed because of his selfless sacrifice of serving our great nation. I think everyone who was close to us at all has been changed by this. However, not all of the changes have been bad.

Allen has changed in every way. I've written about this many times, I can still see new changes all the time. But, I've come to realize this is just a part of life. True his changes may be due to a horrible incident, but he's still blessed. He meets new people quite often that end up becoming an important part of our life, as do I. Some of our closest friends are friends we've met because he was injured in Iraq. We never would have met these friends had this injury not occurred. Do not get me wrong, I would never wish this on anyone but I work really hard to see the positive in this entire situation. Thankfully, I usually do not have to look very far to see the blessings!

Today, I am writing in honor of my husband, my hero. I will forever be thankful that God chose to save him that day in Iraq. I also know that He didn't save him to come home and have a miserable life and this helps me keep going. While our road these 3 years have been difficult, we are still very blessed. If you've been a part of our life in anyway, thank you. We couldn't have made it this far without God and our wonderful family and friends.

Even Now......Gina

Goosebumps

2010-11-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

The summer of 2009 was a different summer for us. Allen had gotten really severe on his PTSD and he was still active duty. His WTU decided to send him to a program in San Antonio to get treatment for the summer. He was admitted to an in patient psych hospital that is privately owned called Laurel Ridge. Thankfully, the boys and I were able to go as well so that we could visit him everyday. We stayed nearby at the Guest House on Fort Sam Houston. The hospital Allen was at also would not allow him to keep Frankie with him so she stayed with us and went to visit each day. It was a very challenging summer but good in many ways. Allen received some good help and improved temporarily.

While we were there we met many wonderful people. One of those people came with the boys and I to visit Allen once and wrote about her experience in her own blog. Her words touched me greatly. I thought about them the other day and realized I had never shared them here on my own blog. So, I asked her permission which she graciously gave. Please enjoy and feel free to comment. Also, please visit her blog at http://patsyspocketsofpeace.blogspot.com . She does some amazing things!!

Here is her post:

GOOSEBUMPS

THIS STORY I WROTE SOMEHOW SEEMS APPROPRIATE AS MASSES OF PEOPLE ARE OUT SHOPPING ON THIS DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. I HOPE IT REMINDS YOU OF WHAT IS, OR SHOULD BE, MOST IMPORTANT.

I tell this story to let our soldiers with the invisible wounds know they are not alone and their service and sacrifices do not go unnoticed. And I tell it for you. So that when you go to sleep at night, you will remember Allen Hill and the price of freedom.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that cause us to stumble and temporarily be thrown off balance. We grumble about the heat and the inconveniences of a freeway traffic jam, and we worry about the unimportant and mundane occurrences in our everyday lives that appear to us to be so earthshaking and insurmountable.

And then sometimes things happen that allow us to reach the center of what is most important. We suddenly awaken to what people we have never met, in a place we have never heard of, endured and will endure for the remainder of their lives to keep us free. Everyday, in every way, these American heroes lay their lives on the line to protect us. I find that extraordinarily humbling. And I find it remorseful that they aren’t appreciated more for their service and sacrifices.

It was a late 107 degree July Monday afternoon in San Antonio. I drove to a psych hospital where twenty soldiers are undergoing treatment for the invisible wound called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.) I had met many, many soldiers at Walter Reed and Brooke Army Medical Center with this injury, but none had effected me quite like Allen. Allen’s story first captured the heart of America when he and his wife were on a national television program focusing on the devastating effects of PTSD and how his service dog, Frankie, from Puppies Behind Bars in New York alerts him to his debilitating and reoccurring flashbacks by jumping on his lap and licking his face until he focuses on the present once again and the unspeakable horrors of war are temporarily released, at least for a few minutes before striking again.

I had had the opportunity of spending some time with Allen’s wife Gina and their two kids the day before. She kindly invited me to visit her husband the next day. Little did I know the impact simply meeting him would have on my life.

As Allen approached the large round dining table in the cafeteria at the hospital, I noticed we were surrounded by families visiting loved ones, small children who had been horrifically sexually abused, and gang members looking somewhat lost. As soon as Allen entered the room, Frankie became alert, tail wagging. You could almost hear her saying, “Finally, there you are.”

Allen sat down with his dinner tray of chopped beef and rice and mixed vegetables. Frankie was in position, under the dining room table with both paws and head resting on Allen’s big red shoes. She waited! She waited for the man she listened to. Listening for that moment when she needed to alert him back to the real world once again.

I introduced myself and spoke with this soldier who had sacrificed his future for me and others like me. With a lump in my throat, I extended my hand which he shook with a handshake that told me a lot about this man. I told him what wonderful sons he had and that he should be very proud. This seemed to please him. I mentioned I hoped he was a little better every day and that therapy was helping. We talked about ‘baby steps’ and how talking to a counselor would help him release the horrors of war and that while they would never go away they would lessen to a degree and he would grow to recognize the triggers to these flashbacks easing their intensity somewhat. He told me that he had not shared everything with his therapist. I asked why and he simply said, “It is more than she could take. There were days I didn’t think I would live.” I told him, “She can take it, she can take it. She is trained to.” His eyes told me that those words feel on deaf ears. He wanted to spare her the pain of what he endured. This is the kind of man Allen is or maybe he couldn’t relive it one more time.

Gina and I talked for a while as Allen silently ate his dinner. But her eyes kept moving from my face to his. Ever vigilant, Gina quietly said, “He is beginning to have a flashback.” I turned and looked at an American hero who was staring blankly into space. A space filled with unspeakable horrors that come back to him without warning, blacking out all reality of the present. Gina stood and went to stand beside him. Allen is never combative in these flashbacks but his eyes and face tell the story. First his eye lids started to quiver and then twitch. His eyes never off of the horizon of a place and time we will never know. Then his face contorted somewhat. Gina, patting his cheeks and calling his name realized she needed help from a dog that knew exactly what to do.

Frankie was given one of eighty commands she learned at Puppies Behind Bars and placed both front paws on Allen’s chest and began licking and nudging his face. Literally in two to three seconds, Allen blinked and returned to us for a brief time, until it happened about ten minutes later.

This is his life. This is Gina’s life. This is the price of freedom, the freedom that allowed Allen to get up and bring back three pieces of strawberry cheesecake, one for each son and one for himself.

Allen may not be perfect, but in his imperfections, he taught me that the bottom line is how we deal with the tough stuff, what and who we passionately and truly love, and that people are not defined by their limitations. In Allen’s beautiful black eyes, I saw my own life reflected and wondered on the way home how I would cope in similar circumstances. I was keenly aware of those times in my life when I have needed to be carried – when I just couldn’t do it anymore – and who was there for me.

Allen’s story is not so unique. Thousands of our wounded heroes are returning from combat with the same injury. Glimpses into their lives are full of struggles and coping and agony and despair. They feel excluded, isolated, and face unspeakable terrors at every corner at every moment of the day.

We all need someone willing to go looking for us when we’re lost. We all want to find our way home again and sometimes it just isn’t that easy. “When I came home, I had to learn to be an American again.” Occasionally the flashbacks cause him to search his house for insurgents. It is then that Frankie takes Allen outside of his flashbacks and panic attacks into the here and now in a matter of seconds. Without Frankie the flashbacks could last hours.

At the end of the day what I write about turns out to deal with my deepest concerns and values. The important part is making the story powerful by expressing my authentic emotions. I write from my heart. Tonight I write about Allen.

Charles M. Schultz said, “A whole stack of memories never equal one little hope.” For Allen and Gina and the kids, I have hope. And Frankie - well Frankie gives me goosebumps! Observant and ever vigilant Frankie teaches us that nuzzling can make a huge difference. So with Frankie the story is just beginning. This dog provides a new meaning to ‘rest in peace.’ With this dog under his arm Allen can find rest, and peace and sleep and perhaps life again. Not the same life, but life.

Frankie can convey encouragement, support, empathy, affection, humor and can elicit it in Allen. The abilities of both are enhanced by the presence of the other. Frankie is not there to talk about how Allen got in this predicament, but to focus on hope and the future.

So I ask you to remember Allen and Frankie. Hear what life is telling you. Let your heart guide you. It whispers - so listen closely. By risk there is more to be gained than lost. Allen risks life minute by minute every day. With Frankie and Allen’s courageous companionship and allegiance to each other they just might be kindred spirits. Observing, I have learned to acknowledge that your soul mate helps you be your best self…so that your soul can do the most for the world. And sometimes your soul mate just might be a yellow lab named Frankie.

Allen has already done his best for the world. I like to think that what happened to Allen happened for us. For us to learn to appreciate our freedom and all the young men and women like him who sacrifice for us as we go about our daily duties completely unaware of their existence.

Allen and Frankie showed me that waiting for the ‘right time’ we spend much of our lives waiting. Allen fought so that we have this freedom to make a choice, to make a stand, to make our lives brilliant with joy and happiness, to make our lives count. For this I will be eternally grateful to this man I met today. I would miss him had we never met.

On the way home I realized that whatever comes from my heart has been given to me as a gift. I must give it honor. Allen will eventually heal to some degree from the past and I believe people who are fortunate enough to meet him will accept the gifts he has to offer their futures. Allen may not know it but our lives are now woven together, for on this hot Texas afternoon our dreams collided. For him the battle will never end. War ends but the battles don’t. For Gina and Allen love doesn’t fit into a nice shiny mold. But it fits.

Posted by POCKETSOFPEACE

Patriotism and Respect

2010-11-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned several times that I am volunteering in our youngest son's classroom twice a week! It is a great way I take care of myself! I am a certified teacher and used to teach before Allen's injury so it is awesome getting back into the classroom. I have also decided that volunteering is so much more fun than being the one in charge!!

Reciting the pledge of allegiance in school's today is very controversial. I am happy to say that the school my son attends still recites it everyday, and all together. One child is chosen to go to the office in the morning to lead the school in the Pledge of Allegiance. I think this is amazing! I love being there for this time!

During red ribbon week a couple of weeks ago, our school had a hat day. The kids were all allowed to wear hats to school for the entire day. Dreyson wore his beloved Cat in the Hat hat. I think they had about 100% participation this day. I happened to be there this day in time for the Pledge. As I watch the class of second graders stand, I was brought to tears when my son was the only one who removed his hat to recite the pledge! The tears were of sadness as well as the immense pride I felt for my son.

After the Pledge was over, I quietly went to my son and whispered in his ear, "Thank you for remembering to remove your hat!" He gave me a great smile and a thumbs up! I couldn't have been more proud that day! My son's teacher saw our interaction and then questioned us as to what was going on. I tried to just say nothing but she wouldn't let it go. So, I told her what I had said to him. She too told him that she was proud of him and that she hadn't even thought about that or noticed.

I love his teacher for many reasons, (I used to teach with her and have known her for most of my life), but what she did later that day was amazing. That afternoon, after I had left for the day, she had the entire class practice reciting the pledge with their hats removed. She explained to them the importance of removing their hat and showing respect to our great nation! She also stopped me after school to apologize for not catching it herself!

I feel very blessed that I have a 7 year old with so much respect and patriotism! I am also blessed that he has such an amazing teacher that would take the time out of her very busy day to teach her class this very lesson!

Even Now......Gina

Updating

2010-11-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

I just want to give a little update on us since my last post was mostly ranting! We are all doing well. Allen hasn’t had any more bad nights since my last post and seems to be doing pretty well. I did encourage him to talk to his doctor about changing the ambien. I do not like the things he does when taking this medication and he has no memory of it. He just has really bizarre behavior and has a hard time deciphering reality from dreams. He has taken lunesta before and did not have those adverse side affects.

This week they have big visitors as The Pathway Home they have all been getting ready for. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are going to be there most of the week hanging out and then wrapping it up with a concert that the vets will be honored at. I can’t wait to hear all about how these days go. I think it is great that they (Tim and Faith) are doing this. It is also great to see such big celebrities doing it for the right reasons, without cameras and publicity tagging along to show how much they do. That just shows their class and that they are truly doing it all for the right reasons!

The boys are doing well. Our 14 year old son is doing great in school and getting ready for basketball season to start. Our youngest who is 7 is also doing great in school. He is currently taking a musical theatre class thanks to a grant we received from Our Military Kids and is loving it! They are doing a small production next month and he has one of the lead parts as Humpty Dumpty.

I am also doing great! At times, I get pretty lonely and really miss my husband. However, I’m not sure I would really be that much less lonely even if he were home with us. Being the spouse of a combat wounded veteran can be very lonely. Many of us are married to men we have to get to know again once they come home from war. Our husband’s are changed in every way and therefore it is difficult to relate at times. This creates a struggle which is extremely frustrating for both sides. I know that my husband remembers what he used to be like and frequently states that he just wants to be who he used to be. That has to be frustrating. Then there is pressure added in by family members who love and miss the person they used to be. It ends up being a vicious cycle that we have to be conscience of so that it doesn’t destroy us. I think, most days my family does a great job managing this struggle, but one we have to be constantly aware of.

I am busy running the boys around, volunteering, and just spending time doing the things I love to do. I’ve been going to lunch with friends, catching up with old friends, reading, volunteering, and many other things. I am enjoying the freedom and the time I have been able to spend focusing on myself and our boys. I’ve seen a big improvement in the boys and my relationship with them. It has been exciting to see the transformations in all of us.

Even Now.......Gina

Ranting

2010-11-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

I am all fired up this morning and I'm not even sure why. I think I am on the verge of tears and have been brewing since I got up. So, I am taking the time to write. That is what seems to help me the most so I will apologize now for the rants and if it doesn't flow well or make any sense. At least you will know that it helped me!!

First of all, Allen had a couple of bad nights recently. He has been at the Pathway Home now for 7 weeks. The first 5 weeks were unbelievable. I saw so much improvement in him just through talking to him on the phone. Maybe it gave me a false sense of hope. Not that I'm not hopeful, but it seemed so perfect those first few weeks and now, not so much. The first imperfect week he was really moody. Every conversation we had started out with, "Today is not a good day". By Saturday, the 6th day in a row of hearing that, I sort of lost it. I was to the point that I did not even want to talk to him. Then I felt like the bad guy. What is wrong with me? I did not even want to talk to my husband whom I hadn't seen in a month. But man, sometimes you have to bend down, pick yourself up, let things go, and decide, "Today is going to be a good day!" I had a good conversation with Allen, and said about those exact things to him on Saturday. Our talk went well and I think it did really help. The next week was better, but not as good as those first 5 weeks. Then this weekend came and he had a trip to the ER by ambulance and then crazy phone calls to me. The ER trip ended up fine, they think he may be having seizures again. Not a great thing, but not life threatening either. The phone calls though, they have me a little more worried.

Saturday night, the boys and I were at a Halloween party and Allen knew that's what we were doing. Usually, he handles us doing stuff really well. He wants us to be happy and not worry about him. I talked to him right before the party and he asked me to call him when I got home. No problem! However, that is not how our evening went down. The first part of it was great. Then, the texting started. It wasn't anything, just chatting really. Then the voicemails because I didn't have much of a signal where we were. This is so not like him. He was almost clingy. I guess that is the best way I can describe it. So, I finally got home and called him. He was fine, not really sure what he even really wanted. I am thinking maybe he's just homesick. We chatted a bit and then said goodnight and went to bed. Well, when I go to bed, I shut off my cell phone. When I woke up Sunday morning and turned my phone back on, I had a voicemail. That was a little odd since I didn't shut my phone off until like midnight and was turning it back on before 8 am. It was a nurse at The Pathway Home telling me about the ER trip. I called and it was over and fine, so no problem.

Sunday, the multiple phone calls from Allen and texts as well start again. Since he's been gone we usually talk once or twice a day but that is about it. He is not a big texter so this is kind of weird. I didn't think too much about it, but I had a funny little feeling. I took Dreyson trick or treating but again, the phone calls. This time, he was beginning to act a little bit confused but not too much. I think only because I know him so well, did I notice. We talked again before I went to bed and he was watching football. I told him I was tired and going to bed and he seemed fine. Once again, I shut off my cell phone and went to bed. A little after 10:30 my house phone rings. It about made my heart stop! It was Allen just wanting to talk again. He apologized for scaring me and we chatted a bit. The longer we chatted though the more confused he became. He started telling me he was playing football instead of just watching it and really thought he was in the game. I asked to talk to one of his nurses and he put her on the phone. She said he had just taken his night meds and they were trying to convince him to go to bed. The meds had just kicked in and he needed sleep. He is on a lot of medications that are sedating, and this isn't too unusual.

The problem is, he is in California and I am in Kansas. I finally was able to go back to sleep, although now I'm getting kind of worried. 11:19 my house phone rings again. It's him again but this time he isn't saying anything. I finally hang up and call the nurse's station to check on him. They say he's fine, he's just fighting sleep and not wanting to just go to bed. I ask her to take his phone from him so I can get some sleep. I do manage to get back to sleep, but I woke up fired up this morning.

It is so hard being a caregiver to a spouse to begin with. I've been doing this for almost 3 years now. So, I am used to being in control and calling all the shots. Even doctor's will ask me what I think they need to do. (I don't really like that much control!) It is good that there is some distance between us so that I can learn to let go of some of that. It is good that he is working on getting better. But, it is so dang hard. I've not been away from him since his injury. I was great when things were going good. But now, this is hard. I just have a feeling something isn't right but I'm not sure what it is. It's not like I can really call them up and say, "Hey, I have a feeling something isn't right with my husband, but I have no idea what or why, can you fix it please?" I really don't think that is going to work. With his confusion this weekend, I don't think I can really mention it to my husband either. It is just really hard being here with him there and not seeing first hand what is going on. I know he's in a good, safe place and I just have to trust and be okay with that.

When I started this post, I had no idea this is where it was going to go. I really thought it was going to go in a totally different direction. I'm really frustrated with the general public not knowing what is going on with our returning troops. I guess that's why writing is good for me, it lets me get out what is really going on. Thanks for being patient with my rant! I have a feeling another one will be coming soon about the above mentioned subject!!

Even Now......Gina

EMMA

2010-10-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

I often talk about blessings we have received since Allen's injury. Trust me, we have received plenty. I am so thankful to be able to see the good in such a time of turmoil and tragedy. Some days it is difficult, but most of the time, the good shines brightly on our lives.

One of the blessings we have received came in the form of a machine called EMMA. EMMA is an electronic medication management assistant, lovingly referred to in our house as the pill ATM. EMMA helps Allen manage his medications independently and safely. We have 2 of these units which each hold 10 medications. They sit on our kitchen counter and do an incredible job!

EMMA is amazing. She does so many things and can really be individualized for each patient. Allen takes medications four times a day and she can be programmed for up to five times a day. When it is time for him to take his meds, a very obnoxious alarm sounds. He then enters a code on the machine's touchscreen. The machine then drops the medications that are due at that time. It gives him a little bit of time to take his meds, then alerts again for him to confirm that he has taken them. (This is very helpful in that he can't walk away and forget them.) If he forgets to take his meds or happens to be outside and misses them, I get a phone call on my cell phone. EMMA calls me to tell me that my spouse has not taken his medications!

Another great feature of EMMA is a vacation drop. If we are going to be out of town for a few days, or a single day, we can do a vacation drop. We enter the day we are leaving and the day we are returning. EMMA then drops each dose scheduled for those days individually and tells me to put each dose in a ziploc bag and label it. It then continues for each dose for the length of our vacation. Later, when we are away, EMMA calls my cell phone when it is time for Allen to take his medications, just like the alarm does when we are at home!

There are also capabilities for doing a single drop and those for PRN (as needed) medications. It will not let medications be dropped too close together. For example, Allen takes medications for migraines on an as needed basis. If he can take them every 6 hours, it will not let any drop before the 6 hour time frame has passed. It will tell you on the screen the next drop time available.

EMMA is set up with a monitoring system, much like that of a home security system. That is how this all works. EMMA communicates regularly, through wireless internet or cell phones. Because of this monitoring, medical professionals can see many things about their patient. The doctor can make medication changes remotely and also check on the patient's compliance with taking their medications. The possibilities are really endless with what can be done with this wonderful machine!

As a full time caregiver, EMMA definitely makes my life easier as well. Before receiving EMMA last February, medication management was my job. Allen takes 17 different meds and I was responsible for dispensing them all. It was quite a job and took a lot of time each day. If I was going to be gone, I had a huge job in making sure whoever was going to fill in for me, knew exactly what to do in regards to the meds. This usually was my mom or sister and it put a lot of added stress and responsibility on them. EMMA takes all of this away. She does this part of the caretaking for me!! It is a huge relief when I am away to know that Allen's meds are all safely administered.

On a personal note, EMMA actually saved my husband's life. A few months ago, Allen figured out a way to beat her. He has a code to enter that drops his medications and another to load/unload the machine. Because EMMA does not let him get his medications too close together, he decided to unload a card of pills and took most of them, and then put the card back in. (We have now set the machine so that he does not have the codes to load/unload the machine so this can't happen again.) I knew something was wrong but wasn't sure what. I called EMMA support to check everything out and they could tell me everything that had been done to the machine. They were able to tell me he had taken out a card, at what time, how many were in it when he took it out, and how many were in it when he put it back in. Without EMMA, I would have had no idea what was wrong for who knows how long. Instead, I was able to get him to the ER and to medical treatment. Everything worked out, but I am glad I did not have to see what would have happened without EMMA.

To learn more about EMMA go to www.inrangesystems.com or find her on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/pages/EMMA/165561373469871 .

Calling 911

2010-10-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

When Allen first returned home from Walter Reed, he received a phone call from our chief of police who wanted to welcome him home and thank him for his service. He also extended an invitation to Allen to let him know if there was ever anything he could do for him or our family. Little did he know, there was plenty he could do for us!

I remember back to that time and it was much easier than it has been recently. My husband has definitely progressively gotten worse in terms of his PTSD and the other monsters that go with it. I specifically remember the first time that I felt that I needed to call 911 for help with him but I was too afraid to make the call. We were in the truck and the tornado sirens began going off like they do every Monday for the test at noon. It triggered a dissociation for him and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. At this time, he hadn't had a lot of these episodes so I obviously had much less experience dealing with them. I remember thinking that if I could just get him into the house, he would snap out of it. He would be home and that should automatically bring him back because it is our home not Iraq. Needless to say, it didn't. I had called my dad to meet me at my house to help me get him into the house. We managed to get him inside and it seemed to make the episode worse. He began searching my house much like he would have had to clear a building in Iraq. I could tell that he thought he had a gun in his hand just by the way he moved and carried himself. This went on for a long time, several hours actually. I managed to keep him in the house, and therefore I felt it was still safe. Several times my dad and I discussed calling 911 but I was deathly afraid that something terrible would happen so I chose not to make the call.

After that incident, I decided to call our chief of police and make an appointment. I knew that I could not be afraid to call if I needed them but I also knew that many veteran's end up shot or tasered in instances with police. Allen planned to go to the meeting with me, but when the day came he didn't think he could handle it. So, once again I called on my dad.

We went to the meeting and I am so glad that we did. We explained to him Allen's story and his current situation. We made sure to let them know that we had no weapons in the house, he had not ever been combative, but he may not respond to directions from anyone. The Chief offered to put an alert on our 911 system so that if a call comes in for our address an alert pops up to let them know all of the above information. It also says for them to respond with no lights, no sirens and for them to find me to ask me what needs to be done.

What an amazing outcome! The chief then followed all of this up with an email he sent out to all of his officers telling of our meeting and what they could expect if they respond to a call at our house. We have had to call 911 many, many times since that meeting and every time it has been a great response from the police, EMT's and firemen. (In our small town, often all 3 respond to a call.) The last time we called it could have had a very different ending, but because of our proactive approach, it ended great for everyone.

As I've said, Allen is currently in a program in California receiving treatment for his PTSD. Before he comes home, we plan to meet with the Chief again to give him an update and I might go give a short personal briefing to the officer's just as a refresher as well as a thank you. We have also talked with one officer about bringing our boys down to the station to meet some of the officers and to educate them on tasers just in case they ever do have to witness their dad being tasered. Of course we pray that never happens, but it is much better to be prepared in advance!!

As a wounded warrior caregiver and wife, I often have to think outside of the box to make sure all of our bases are covered at all times. I encourage any of you to do the same. Reach out to those in your community that you may need to call on at times for help. It always helps to let people know what you might need before you need it.

Even Now........Gina

My Own Guilt

2010-10-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

Since my husband is away getting treatment for his PTSD, I have had a lot of me time! It has been invigorating, relaxing, amazing, and on and on with the good verbs! However, with this has come some guilt and some self reflection. It's not been quite 2 weeks yet that he has been away and I've been back home, but that is more time than I've had for myself in a very long time! It has been over 5 years now that we've been dealing with deployments and injury. That is a long time!!

Before he left for California, I had a hard time imagining what I was going to do with myself. I even became a little panicky on the inside thinking about it. I knew that I would go volunteer at the Animal Shelter a few days a week, but I also knew that would not fill all of my time. I thought about trying to get a job, but then thought that might not be the best idea since we do not know how long Allen will be away, and quite frankly, I need to focus on my kids and myself for awhile! I thought I also might volunteer in our youngest son's classroom. I used to teach and thought that might be good for our son and me. Then I realized, I am doing it again. I am trying to schedule everything so that I do not have any time to myself! I had to really take a step back and figure out how much time I really want to volunteer, and how much time I should leave open for just whatever else comes up.

So, I think after almost 2 weeks I finally have it figured out. I am volunteering at the animal shelter 3 days a week for 2 hours each day. I am volunteering at Dreyson's classroom one morning a week for 3 hours. That leaves me 2 days, completely free during the week to do everything else, and to do something nice for me!

This week I met a friend in the city for lunch. It was a great time and I am looking forward to doing it again soon! However, driving up there that morning I had a lot of guilt. I realized that I had taken my time to get ready and actually really cared about my appearance. I put some thought into what I would wear and took the time to enjoy my shower, do my hair, and actually go out looking like I somewhat cared about myself. Thinking about this on the way to my lunch date, I was feeling really guilty. I imagined that people might start thinking and noticing that now that my husband was gone, I was trying to look good! The thought of someone actually thinking this about made me sick to my stomach! It is crazy what these types of feelings and thoughts can do to me!

The more I thought about this the more I understood what was happening. I feel guilty because I do not normally do those things for my husband. It's not because I don't love him or care what he thinks of me. It's because I am simply exhausted and so busy taking care of everyone else, that I never take the time or use the energy to do those things for myself. There is absolutely nothing for me to feel guilty about and if anyone wants to think those things about me, then I can't stop it anyway!!

After I dealt with the guilt, I actually enjoyed myself! I have always known in my head that I had to take care of myself first. However, when I was in the middle of it all, I couldn't really understand the importance of that. I always thought that I would eventually take care of myself and since I wasn't physically sick, I was fine. I would get around to me when everything else was done. It is just that everything else never gets done. There is always something.

I am so happy that Allen is away getting himself better. It is hard not having him here, but in some ways it is also a relief. I am really embracing this time to focus on my kids and on myself! I can't wait to see what happens with my husband, myself, and our family. I have a lot of hope and it feels really good.

Even Now........Gina

Desperate Actions

2010-10-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

I read an article today about a wounded warrior in North Dakota and his armed stand off with police in an attempt to get them to shoot him. This has been on my heart since reading it this morning so I thought I would share some of the things that are unsettled in my heart.

http://www.bismarcktribune.com/news/local/article_8425df6c-cc48-11df-be46-001cc4c03286.html

This article touched me deeply and has me thinking about a lot of things. I'm also praying for this family and all of our wounded and their families. It is heartbreaking that these heroes are crying out for help, and have very few places to find the help. All too often, they are left feeling desperate which leads to desperate behavior and actions. Now, instead of getting the help he needs, he is facing 3 felonies and other misdemeanor charges. Is this really how we treat our nation's heroes? How loud does the cry have to get for something to be done?

Thankfully, my husband is now at The Pathway Home getting help for his PTSD. However, we searched several months, and this is not the first time we have searched, to find somewhere that looks promising. There are not many programs out there that treat PTSD in veterans and once they are off of active duty, insurance will not pay for that treatment. The reasoning I am told, is because it is the VA's job to treat PTSD.

This does not leave much room for hope for veteran's out there searching for help. My husband does not have issues with substance abuse like so often happens with PTSD. So, finding a program that treats PTSD alone is difficult if not next to impossible. I feel very blessed that we were able to get him into the program he is in now. However, I often drift to the question of what will we do if it doesn't work? You see, he has been in patient before. He has tried everything the Army has as well as the VA except for the 7 week program the VA has. He's not stable enough for that so he's left out there to flounder. If this program doesn't work, I don't know that there is anything left at this time, to give us hope of his healing. It's no wonder these guys are doing desperate things.

My husband's story came dangerously close to being a newspaper headline. The Saturday night before we flew to the Pathway Home on Monday, could have been headlines. I'm not going to go into many details here simply to protect my husband's privacy. (But, more importantly, I do not want people to be afraid of him. I am able to separate his illness from him. Other's can't.) I did have to call 911 at 0400 and we did end up with police, ambulance, and a firetruck at our house. Thanks be to God that nothing tragic happened and I was able to get him the help he needed to keep everyone safe. While it was an extremely difficult night, we did witness many miracles and I thank God for that. Monday morning, my sister and I flew with him to California, rented a car, and drove him to the Pathway Home. This was almost 3 weeks ago and he seems to be doing very well there. Time will tell if it is able to help him get that safety, peace, and joy he so deserves.

I think about all of this daily, our own story as well as those I hear from other wives and family members. The only thing I can figure out for the question of why isn't the military and VA doing more so these stories aren't playing out time and time again is that they simply have no idea what to do. Both the military and the VA are overwhelmed by PTSD and TBI as well as all the other conditions they are treating. They know the problems are there but really have no idea what to do about them. They are grasping at straws, desperate to find anything, and quickly, that can bail them out and help our vets. I don't think it's that they do not care, it is just that they can't seem to find anything to help and therefore spend a lot of time spinning their wheels or closing their eyes. However, we as a nation, have to do something to help our heroes.

Please keep this family in North Dakota, our family, and all the families injured in Iraq/Afghanistan in your thoughts and prayers.

Even Now........Gina

Remembering 9/11

2010-09-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today is always full of many different feelings for me. I remember the day that changed America forever clearly. I was teaching Middle School and had a class full of 8 graders when another teacher came to my door and told me what was going on. We ended up setting up televisions in several rooms and the teacher's lounge. It was next to impossible to stop watching. It was really hard explaining to the kids what was going on. I also remember going outside our school, which is a rural school out in the middle of nowhere. It is not even in a town! The sky was so clear and beautiful that day. And all across it, we could see all of the vapor trails from the planes trying to land. Later in the afternoon, the sky was clear, not a plane to be seen anywhere.

That day, I barely knew Allen. I knew that the events would change every American's life, I just never expected it to change mine so drastically. Here I was a teacher, in rural, central, America, a single mom and no plans to change much of anything in my life anytime soon. Little did I know, several years later, my life would be changed beyond anything I could imagine. I now find myself reflecting on how that day profoundly changed my life.

Today, I pause to remember the events of that day. I mourn the lives lost that day and all the days since, as our Heroes fight to make sure I still have my freedom. I mourn the loss of the way America used to be, before 9/11. I celebrate the patriotism that has been rekindled in our great nation. I also celebrate the life of my husband, whose own selfless sacrifices haunt him daily. Lastly, I pray for peace, for our nation as well as that of my family and all those families affected by that day 9 years ago.

Today, September 11, 2010, I honor all of America's heroes, both past and present!

Even Now........Gina

Caregiver's Bill

2010-09-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did a survey for caregiver's of OIF/OEF vets. It took about 20 minutes and asked questions I expected. However, I often wonder if, statistically speaking, am I truly considered a caregiver. At the AW2 Symposium, I had the opportunity to ask a General that question. He gave me his political answer, which I expected. I just pray that when he is sitting inside those meetings where they are discussing the parameters of the new caregiver's bill, he will remember me and a little bit of our story.

For a long time, we have been frustrated with the fact that my husband does not qualify for much of anything when it comes to the "benefits" related to being injured. I'm not talking about VA benefits here, but other things like TSGLI and some other help from non profit organizations. It seems that since his physical wounds have heeled and he can dress himself, feed himself, shower, transfer, and use the bathroom on his own, we do not qualify for much needed assistance. In my opinion, if he can't be left alone because of his psychiatric injuries, then he needs just as much assistance as the ones who need help doing the tasks of daily living. After applying twice, we did finally qualify for the minimum TSGLI which I think is unfair as well. He can physically do the things they require, but if left alone, he might wander out into the street, in traffic, and not have clue what's going on around him. If he gets triggered, he might run out of the house and take off completely unresponsive to anything around him. The list goes on and on.

So, it will be very interesting to see how this Caregiver's Bill plays out. Will I be considered a full time caregiver for my husband? I've been told by several people who are in positions to have an inside scoop, that we should not have anything to worry about. We should definitely fall into the circle of those who are happy and not left outside looking in. However, we can't believe any of it until we see it. For those who do not qualify, it will be more stress and scrambling in trying to take care of their spouse and families. For many of us, we would give anything to go back to work and contribute to the financial well being of our families. I used to teach middle school before all of this happened and I loved it! There is no way though that I could return to any kind of a job now, let alone a career.

This bill also has more things than just money involved that make me excited. Respite care!! To be able to go out of town for a weekend with a friend and have someone paid to come in and take care of my husband would be amazing. As it stands now, if I want to do ANYTHING, I have to arrange for someone who can watch my kids and their dad. This doesn't make getting out too easy! Even just to be able to go to lunch with a friend or Christmas shopping on my own, and not have to worry about what's going on at home and who is watching who. My kids will not have the added responsibility of taking care of their dad while I run to the store. Maybe, they can just be Kids again to some degree.

The other thing it will cover is training me in taking care of him. Everything I know to do is what I've figured out on my own. You know it is bad when we are in a psychiatrist office and the doctor looks to me as to what to do when he starts having an "episode." An Army psychiatrist doing his med board evaluation even left the room when my husband dove to the floor, took out his table because a fire alarm went off in the building. The doctor actually said to me, "I'll just leave you two alone for a little while." That was that, he walked out and shut his door. I ended up being there for 3 hours trying to get my husband off the floor. I was irrate, but what could I do? So, actually having a professional tell me how to handle these "episodes" would be extremely helpful. Although, I must say, I'm not very hopeful that they really know what to do.

This all important bill is critical for many of America's Heroes and their Families. Please pray that it will apply to the many families like ours that may fall through the cracks, again!

Even Now......Gina

Explanations Do Not Come Easy

2010-09-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

This Labor Day weekend, our house has been filled with company. One of my husband's cousins and his family came to visit. It is the first time in the 9 years we've been together that anyone from his family has come to visit us. It is also the first time we have spent any amount of time with anyone from his family since his injury.

I'm thankful that he finally got to visit with some of his own kin. He loves my family like his own and they love him too. However, I'm sure that there is nothing like one's own blood relatives. We were all excited to have them visit, but it is definitely a struggle to try to keep it all together!

Overall the weekend went pretty well. However, I find it very difficult to explain what our life is like to someone who has no clue what PTSD is and how it can manifest itself, as well as all the other things that go along with it for Allen. He had several "flashbacks" which were relatively mild in comparison to some he has had. One night he did have one that was bad enough I had to force him into the shower and then put him to bed in order to break the cycle.

The other thing I have found is that everyone seems to have a magic solution for him. The best thing I can relate it to is when a woman is pregnant and everyone has to give her advice for what to do and how best to do it. Everyone seems to have advice and their ideas about what he needs to do to get better! Of course, they do not share these "ideas" with Allen, but with me instead!! Well, I'm thinking if you can't share them with him, maybe they aren't going to work for him!! And, if you have not ever been around someone with combat PTSD, please keep your ideas and suggestions to yourself. I have taken care of my husband now for almost 3 years with absolutely NO help or support from any part of his family. Please do not come in and tell me that all he needs to get over it is to spend more time with HIS family. Well as far as I'm concerned, his family consists of me, our boys, my parents, and sister! We have all been here through all of it and still love him!!

It seems to me that as often as I have to explain my husband's bizarre behavior, I would get used to it and have an explanation down pat. Yet, I still struggle with explaining it even this far out. I expect to have to explain it to kids who witness one of his flashbacks or episodes, but adults are harder for me. Hopefully one of these days, society as a whole will start to get it!!

Even Now........Gina

Hope in The Pathway Home

2010-09-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

I think I've already mentioned that this summer has not been a good time in our lives. My husband has been very up and down and on the edge of stability for a few months now. In July he spent a week in the psychiatric floor of the VA trying to get a grasp on life again. It did help him stabilize but he still teeters very close to that edge constantly.

Before leaving the VA in July, we had a plan. The doctor there had contacted a doctor in another near by VA that has the in patient PTSD program. We were told that they were not going to release him until they had a firm plan in place and that they did not want him going home for more than 2-3 weeks before getting into a PTSD program. Well, obviously that 2-3 weeks passed quite some time ago, because here it is September and we are still waiting for that spot to open up that was promised to us by the first part of August.

Last week, after jumping through all the hoops to get into the program at the VA, I was fed up. We had originally tried some other options while he was in the hospital which did not work out. We learned that although he has medicare, tricare, and VA, the only one that will pay for PTSD treatment is the VA. It is the VA's responsibility after all. Therefore we thought that any other options were really out of the question. But, as fed up as I was, I thought I'm going to look around anyway.

While I was searching, I happened upon an article in the Smithsonian Magazine about a program in California called The Pathway Home. It is a program that Allen had already been accepted into a year prior but had decided not to attend because there was concern that he would learn to function in a program but not in the real world and become a "professional" patient. Well, I really thought it would be a dead end too, but decided to send an email to inquire as a last chance. Thankfully I did send that email. The next morning I had an email back telling us we should have his doctor at the VA fill out the application for him and send it in ASAP and they would see what they could do. They are funded through grants and private donations so they are not limited by insurance companies or the VA. I begin seeing some hope in our future but am still afraid to get my hopes up too high. I did mention it to my husband, read the article to him, and he thought it sounded good. However, he is very apprehensive about anything and does not want to be disappointed again.

The day we had the email back he also had an appointment with his psychiatrist at the VA. We took a copy of the article to him to see what he thought. He was very impressed with the program and thought that we definitely should pursue it. We left his office with a little more hope. We went straight to his case manager's office and began filling out the application and the next day it was complete, signed, and faxed in. By Friday, everything was turned in and it was time for us to just wait. I had emailed back and forth with the administration lady, Kathy, several times and my hopes were rising. It sounded very promising for Allen getting in and quickly.

Monday came and went and I still had not heard anything. Tuesday I sent an email to make sure they had received everything they needed. They had and we needed to pick a date in a couple of weeks for him to go! We couldn't believe it! Finally, we were beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel and we were beginning to believe it wasn't a train!! So, our date was chosen, September 20 and we applied for airline tickets from Air Compassion. Yesterday we received our E-tickets and are beginning to prepare for this newest step in healing.

I'm excited about the possibilities. I'm praying for Allen to find peace within himself and his life so that he can relax and find a little bit of joy in life. Even if he doesn't get to a place where he is comfortable out and about, at least for him to have peace in our home would be a huge improvement. I'm also looking forward to a little bit of me time! My sister is going to fly with us and we are going to spend a few days together in California for a little R&R for me. It will be hard having him away, but in the end, I pray it is all worth it!!

Addicted to the Computer

2010-08-29T16:52:00.001-07:00

The computer has been a sore spot in our life for quite some time. Actually, I think it has been an "issue" for almost the length of Allen's injury. The problem, as I see it, is that Allen has great difficulty managing his time and spends the majority of his waking hours in front of his computer. Don't get me wrong, I spend time on the computer as well, but I do manage to do other things daily and am able to communicate in person and not solely through the computer or some other form of technology.

This computer addiction all started when he began attending online classes. The classes were very difficult for him with all of his injury "stuff" and therefore he spent every waking moment working on them. Even with all of that time in front of the computer, he still had an extremely difficult time retaining the information he was trying to learn. Currently, he has taken a leave of absence (for over a year now) from his online program while he works to get himself into a more stable place.

Even though he's not taking classes anymore, he spends the majority of his wake hours on his computer. Occasionally he watches movies, but more often than not he is on the internet. He claims he is researching "stuff". The latest obsession seems to be anything related to sniper's and their weapons. When asked about this recently in his psychiatrists office, he simply answered "they make the best guns."

None of this is what really bothers me about his computer time. Although I must admit, the constant researching of weapons and snipers is of concern to me. However, the thing that really gets me is that he emails people frequently when he can't seem to speak a complete sentence to anyone here in his own house!

This weekend is a prime example. Yesterday he spent the majority of his day outside working on the truck. (The time he is not on his computer, in bed, or at an appointment, he's outside working on something and he doesn't want to be disturbed by anyone.) Of the few words that were exchanged through us, it was apparent that he was in a mood not to be messed with. He was pissed off at the world. I know this not by words or actions, but more because of the way he carries himself and his body language. Before his injury, he was NEVER like this. He was the most even tempered person I'd ever met. So, yesterday no communication between him and anyone else. This morning he got up with our youngest early because I wanted to sleep in for a little longer. He did not do this voluntarily, I had to push the issue. About an hour later, Dreyson came in and told me he couldn't find dad. I got up to look for him and found him locked in the bathroom, no lights on, which is not normal. We're lucky if he shuts the door! I asked him what was wrong and he said he just needed some peace and quiet and it was peaceful in the bathroom. I then gave him the choice of going back to bed if that is what he needed to do. Of course, he said he did and headed to the bedroom and shut the door. We didn't see him again until 4:00 this afternoon when he came out, took meds, made a sandwich and then got on his computer. His fingers were pounding away and so I asked him what he was doing. He was emailing his old good buddy so and so. I didn't say anything, but my heart hurt. The entire weekend he had not hardly spoken to anyone here in his physical life, but then he gets up and emails people he hasn't seen in years.

I know that he loves us more than anything. I also know that he would give anything to get better. But, his isolation is really hard not to take personal. It's a daily chore to keep remembering that it is the PTSD and TBI that makes him push us away, not him. Knowing all of this though, doesn't make it hurt any less.

Even Now...........Gina

Separating Allen From Injury

2010-08-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

I often hear the comment, "I don't know how you do it." For awhile this really bothered me, made me feel like I was handling our life different than anyone else would. My guess is that it is similar to the way Allen feels when someone calls him a hero. He would say, he was just doing his job. I never really know what to say.

I think that everything about life is a choice. We choose to get up everyday, live our life, and do what we do. I do not see that I am doing anything different than anyone else. Life hands everyone their share of ups and downs, although sometimes I think some get more of the downs than ups just like some get more ups than downs. I often think that God must trust me an awful lot, but that also gives me the strength to live this life, our life, everyday.

One thing that any spouse of a wounded warrior has to keep in mind is that our spouse has an injury, but the injury and our spouse are separate. The injury does not have to define who we are all the time, or who our family is. On those really tough days, or weeks sometimes, I constantly remind myself that what I am dealing with is the illness, not my husband. He developed this illness due to his courageous and selfless service to our country and deserves to be treated with dignity and respect always. Many times, this is not an easy task as he can be very difficult to deal with, but I know in my heart that it is not him, it is his illness. He would do ANYTHING to get past this monster called PTSD and that is what matters. Often it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but then all I have to do is remember, he doesn't want to be this way and he isn't choosing to be like this. He is fighting with all his strength to stay on top and win! And because I know these things, I can continue to do what I do to take care of him!

Even Now........Gina

Freedom of Speech

2010-08-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

Being at home most days I find myself often perusing the internet for articles related to our post injury life. We are still trying to figure out the ins and outs that go along with being retired, but for the most part, I think we are figuring things out. Yesterday, while on facebook, I happened a long an editorial written by a Vietnam era spouse. It was a very negative spin on military families and the sacrifices they make daily.

The writings of Mrs. Martha Sisk stirred up a lot of emotions for me. In a nutshell she said that current soldiers and their families need to soldier up and stop whining about the sacrifices they are making for our country. (I am going to post the link to her article with this post just so you can read it for yourself and I do not have to quote all of it. Also, so that I do not misconstrue anything she says.) She herself is a wife a retired Vietnam era veteran so it makes her editorial even more offensive to me. Being a part of the military brings a sense of camaraderie and brotherhood which she obviously has forgotten about. We should be supporting each other not badmouthing.

At the end of her article, she does say that those who have died in the line of duty or those who are severely injured are not who she is talking about. So, where does my family fall in her opinion? This is actually a question I wonder about for a lot of people, especially the politicians, military, and VA.

I guess my biggest issue with her opinion is that if service members and their families are not sacrificing what exactly is it? Yes, our military today is a volunteer force. Yes I voluntarily married my husband knowing he was in the military. However, my kids did not choose to be born to a military family. Nor did any of us volunteer to have our lives turned upside down by the injuries we are living with due to the sacrifice my brave husband gave to his country. I don't see how anyone could view our sacrifice as us whining about things when if given the chance, he would do it all over again in a heartbeat. And, I would support him in that decision! I think that it is a sacrifice that we all make willingly and yes, we do and will need some help to make it through. However, that is not whining. After all, our sacrifices we willingly make, are what allows you to write your opinion and have it published!!

Mrs. Sisk's full article can be read at http://fayobserver.com/articles/2010/08/20/1022346 . I would love to hear other's comments!!

Even Now.........Gina

Falling Through the Cracks

2010-08-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

It seems along this journey, if someone is going to fall through the cracks it is the guys like Allen. The ones with the "invisible" wounds. Sometimes I think they are the ones who need the most help, but I know that each of the wounded has their own journey equally as hard as the next guy. I am definitely not here to decide who has it the hardest or the best.

July was an extremely rough month for us and August isn't too far behind. It started with the 4th of July and hasn't stopped since! Around the middle of July, Allen plummeted. After struggling to take care of him for a week, I finally took him to the VA. He was just too far past what any home care could offer him. He needed 24 hour care. He was at his lowest point so far along this journey. We keep thinking things will get better, but so far, we've been on one heck of a roller coaster ride.

After a week in patient, plans were made for Allen to come home for 2-3 weeks while we wait for a bed to open in the PTSD treatment program at the VA in Topeka. It is a 7 week, in patient program and the only program the VA has to treat PTSD. We looked into taking him back to Laurel Ridge in San Antonio but insurance will not pay for it. A little unknown fact is that while Allen has medicare, tricare, and the VA, the VA is the only one that will pay for any type of PTSD treatment. So, our only option is what the VA will do and that is this 7 week program. The kicker is, to get into this program one has to be completely stable and independent. With his recent setback and inpatient stay, he is not considered very stable. So, after coming home and us speaking with the Topeka program administrator, we know our reality. Allen falls through the cracks. He realistically will not get in until October at the earliest and he must be completely stable to enter. Another hospital stay will not help him get into the program, although I'm not sure we are going to be able to avoid that. He is teetering right on the edge.

In the midst of all of this, we are changing some meds which never helps in the short term. It will be 4-6 weeks before it is fully in his system and he is trying his best to hold it together and stay on top instead of falling off. It is going to be a rough wait, but we really have no choice. This is all very scary for all of us. The boys never know what to expect and live in fear that something tragic will happen to their dad. I can never relax and have to constantly know where Allen is, what he's doing, and where his current mental state is riding. Allen has this all hanging over his head while he is desperately trying to hold it all together.

It is extremely frustrating and sad watching him slide down hill so quickly and not being able to do anything about it. I've searched for programs that might be able to help him but have not found anything out there. It seems our only option is to wait for the slot at the Topeka VA to open and pray that he is stable enough to complete their program. When his doctor at the Kansas City VA called the Topeka program they told them 2-3 weeks. Allen was good with that. Then 2 weeks passed and we made a call ourselves to Topeka and they tell us October at the earliest. This is devastating to a family already on the edge. I find it ridiculous that the VA is the only one who can treat PTSD in vets, but yet they do not have programs to meet the needs of those they are supposed to be treating. I know that Allen is not the only one who needs this!

Today he's struggling still. Not sure October will ever get here!!

Even Now,

Gina

The Oprah Winfrey Show

2010-07-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, May 1, 2009, I had one of the most interesting and exciting phone calls of my life. Kate, from Puppies Behind Bars called me to ask if we would be interested in flying to NY to film a segment for the Oprah Winfrey Show. I was giddy with excitement and wanted to tell her yes immediately, but knew I had better talk to Allen about it first. After all, the segment would feature him and Frankie reuniting with Roberto, the inmate who had raised and trained Frankie to be a service dog.

The decision had to be made quickly. If we accepted, we would fly to New York the following Tuesday, May 7. As soon as I was off the phone with Kate, I called Allen. His reaction was great and just what I had hoped for. He simply asked me why I hadn't told her yes already!! Of course though, since Allen is still on active duty, we had to get permission from his command for all of this, which ended up being the toughest part.

The decision from Allen's command did not come quickly. While we were waiting for this decision, Kate went ahead with preliminary plans for us to make the trip. Finally, it came down to the last day and if we couldn't get approval, PBB would have to choose someone else to represent them. Allen and I prayed that the right thing would happen and whatever that was, we would accept the answer. Shortly after that, we had the call we had hoped for. We were free to go and to do the interview.

On Tuesday, May 7th, Allen, Frankie, and I left for the airport to board our plane that would take us to Fishkill, New York. We had a good day of travel and were met at the airport by Carl Rotans, the lead instructor for PBB. We had first met Carl in Colorado when we were doing the initial training with Frankie. He drove us to our hotel and we went to dinner with him and Gloria, the founder of PBB. She explained the schedule for the next day.

Our day started at 8:00 am when we met with Gloria to drive to the Fishkill Correctional Facility. We were both excited and nervous and could not wait to meet Roberto. The filming part of it was just a bonus for us. It was cool to be on the Oprah show and all, but the highlight for us was definitely getting to meet the inmates who put so much into these dogs that truly change the lives of wounded warriors.

When we arrived at the prison, the film crew was outside waiting. They wanted to film Allen and Frankie's arrival at the prison. Frankie knew where she was the instant she exited the car. She started forging ahead and was wagging her tail. She was obviously very happy to be back. Next, we went through security and were introduced to everyone involved in the day, including Glenn Close. Glenn spent the entire day with us and conducted the interviews for the show. She is an amazing woman, who is full of compassion and truly cares about this program and the impact it has on wounded warriors and the inmates.

After security and the introductions, we were going to get to meet Roberto. There was a long walkway outside and he was waiting at the other end of it. Allen and Frankie proceeded to move closer to Roberto. About half way there, Allen released Frankie's leash and let her run to him. It was a very moving moment. Frankie hesitated twice. Roberto began calling her and she turned to Allen to see if it was okay for her to go. This was a difficult thing for Allen. He wanted to let her go, but it was hard for him to do so. His anxiety levels rose, but he was able to stay strong and encourage her to go. It was amazing.

Throughout the day we had many opportunities to share stories with the inmates in the program and to hear their stories. We went to their recreation yard and Frankie went to each inmate and greeted them and their puppies. She definitely remembered! We went to their pod and Roberto showed us his cell and where Frankie spent so much of her time. He was very proud of what he has accomplished since entering the PBB program. The program pays for the inmates to do correspondence classes that allows them to become certified in several programs. Roberto has completed four programs and has the certificates proudly displayed on the wall of his cell. He also had a letter that Allen had written to him on his wall. He told us that it was one of his most prized possessions in all the world. This means a lot to both of us.

After lunch, we went down to the PBB classroom. Here, each inmate had the opportunity to speak to us. They told us their name, how long they had been incarcerated, and what PBB means to them. Many of them also told us how much they appreciated us coming back so that they had the chance to see for themselves what they were doing for people. It gave them a face to put with all of their hard work. At one point during this classroom time, I think everyone in the room was brought to tears. It was very emotional and wonderful all at the same time. These inmates have had their lives completely changed by the love and dedication of a puppy. Allen has this same experience! It is amazing to me, the similarities these men have with Allen. They have lost their freedom he fought so hard to protect. He fought for the safety of their family when they couldn't. They are thankful to him while he is grateful to them. They all have a scarlet letter, the inmates for their crimes, and Allen for the stigmas associated with the invisible wounds he bears. The mirror of this entire experience was truly amazing!

As the end of the day drew near, we began to dread saying goodbye. The inmates had to get back to their cells for count and they began slowly filing out. Each one passed by us and said goodbye and a few final words. This was by far, the hardest part of the day. I didn't want to leave. Allen and I still talk about this part of the day, and as I write this, it was over a month ago. These men have truly changed their lives, or are on the path to turning them around. Finally, Roberto was the last to leave. While all of the inmates had a part in raising Frankie, Roberto was her primary raiser. It was hard leaving him when he put so much into Frankie. He helped give Allen his life back. He helped bring my son's their daddy home. He is amazing and we will forever be grateful to him for all he gave to us.

Around 4:00 pm we walked back out the front doors of Fishkill Correctional Facility. We then said our goodbyes to Glenn Close, who is absolutely amazing. She is compassionate and truly cares for people. We have so much respect and love for her after this moving day. Thanks Glenn for all you do. She even had her driver take some pictures of us with her with her iphone. She emailed them to us the next day. These are the only pics we have from that day as we were not allowed to take any electronics into the prison with us.

Gloria took us back to the hotel and we were exhausted. We did nothing that evening other than grab something to eat in our hotel. The next morning, Carl drove us back to the airport and we flew home. It was an amazing trip and we are so thankful that Puppies Behind Bars chose us to represent them.

To check out some blogs that Glenn wrote about this day go to www.fetchdog.com . You can also purchase things from this site and have a portion of the proceeds donated back to PBB. Purchasing the Chewy shoe gives the Dog Tags program $2.00 for every toy purchased. Please visit this site. In order to learn more about the Dog Tags program, go to www.puppiesbehindbars.com .

Even Now........Gina

Speech from AW2 Symposium June 2010

2010-07-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

Previously I have tried to always write and post in the order things have happened. So, I am always behind and trying to catch up with our life. Then I get discouraged and decide not to write and then I have large gaps in time and get further and further behind. Therefore, I am going to start to write whatever hits me!!

Last week we had the privilege of attending the Army Wounded Warrior Symposium. We were asked to serve on the media panel and I had to write and give a speech for the media. It was a great experience for me and is awesome to be able to share my side of our story. Below is a copy of what I said.

I am Gina Hill and I am the wife of a severely injured soldier. While the majority of his physical, or visible, wounds have healed, our family still struggles daily with the psychological wounds. Often times, these are called the invisible wounds, but I have a hard time calling them that, for they are very visible to anyone who spends any amount of time with him.

These psychological wounds greatly affect not only the soldier, but the entire family. My husband’s triggers are now triggers for myself as well as our children. In the rare times we are away from my husband, we are constantly on high alert for his triggers. It is next to impossible for us to turn that off. Our kids have had to become caregiver’s for their dad instead of just being kids. They are well rehearsed in PTSD, calling 911, and explaining why their dad has a service dog, why he isn’t at many of their events, and why he sometimes acts really weird. They also have to understand that plans are NEVER set in stone and are always contingent on their dad’s current mental state. Even things they have their heart set on, sometimes doesn’t happen when they expect or want it to. Any friends they want to have over to our house also have to know the deal with their dad and that sometimes things quickly get very chaotic at our house. They never really know what to expect next and have to be very flexible with their needs and desires. These aren’t things most kids have to worry about. But, our kids are resilient and handle it very well. I just wish that they received more recognition for the sacrifices they have made and continue to make everyday.

Although I used to teach full time, I now am a full time caregiver for my husband. One of our biggest fears is that my soldier will not be considered “injured” enough to qualify for the benefits of the newly passed “caregiver’s bill.” While my husband is physically capable of dressing, transferring, toileting, and bathing independently, he still requires supervision and reminders to perform these daily tasks. Without these reminders and assistance, most of these tasks are left undone. Due to the severity of his dissociations, my husband is unable to drive or to be left alone. Even within our own home there are many external, environmental triggers that can send him running to the middle of the street completely unresponsive to anything outside of his head, or ducked in a corner taking cover for hours. Many, many of these instances have ended with me having to call 911 for assistance. Yet, he is not injured severely enough to qualify for much of the assistance available to the more physically injured warriors. We do not qualify for housing assistance that would allow us to move away from the rock quarry a mile from our house that blasts everyday and makes him think there are incoming mortars or the railroad tracks 100 meters from our house that cause a lot of loud noise and vibrations that he interprets as some type of danger. We also do not qualify for any type of respite care that would allow me to leave the house for errands or a job. All of these things we get denied for because they can’t see his wounds and this just fuels his PTSD and the depression and self harm feelings that go along with it.

Struggles I face specifically as a spouse of a warrior suffering with PTSD are many as well. It is difficult watching the person you love fighting to get back to the person they were before war because they do remember what they used to be like, they just can’t figure out how to get back to that person. We have worked very hard to focus on the best he can be now, not who he was. Every part of him is different and when I say every, I mean every. With that being said, it is extremely difficult being married to someone who is completely different than when you married him. There are times that I see glimpses of the man I married, but they are few and far between. I’m not sure whether these glimpses are a blessing or a curse! As a spouse, we have to make a choice as to whether we are going to learn to love them with their PTSD/TBI or whether we can handle that task. Some of us just aren’t able to handle that, but I am absolutely thankful that I am one that can. Our worries are great and can be as simple as dealing with going out in public as a family in any situation. Just going to a restaurant or the grocery store can turn into a huge ordeal. We have to be constantly prepared for anything and be able to stay calm and handle the situation for our spouse, our family, and many times the public. It is not an easy road.

While we do have many day to day struggles, we have had plenty of blessings along this journey as well. One of these came to us from an organization called Puppies Behind Bars. They provided Allen with a service dog specifically trained to help him manage his PTSD and TBI. There are many tasks she assists him with, but one of the biggest is her ability to bring him back from his dissociations. What used to end in a call to 911 now ends with him coming back to reality with her kissing his face. She has given all of us much more confidence to go out in public and be more active in life. She is a comfort to all of us because we know she has his back! Another blessing Allen has received is Emma, his electronic medication management assistant, he calls his pill ATM. This system alerts him when it is time to take his medications, all 16 of them! It then dispenses the medications he needs at that time and communicates with the monitoring company In Range that tracks his refills, inventory, and his compliance with taking his meds. Emma has made him more capable of managing his medications without as much of my assistance which helps him feel a little more in control of his own life. Currently this system is only available for active duty service members, but In Range is working diligently to get it approved through the VA.

Through all of this, our AW2 rep has been there for us. Not only does he support us, he gives us lots of information or advocates for us when the need arises. If he hasn’t heard from us for a while, he is always sure to check in and if we ever need him, he is just a phone call away. That is very comforting for us, knowing that we have that support and assistance available at all times.

Lastly, participating in the AW2 Symposium is very important to us for many reasons. It helps us heal by sharing our story, as well as giving us the sense of helping make this road better for other families facing similar situations. Allen and I both feel that if we don’t share our own story we can’t expect for things to get fixed that we have struggled with throughout this journey. We hope that by sharing our personal struggles and accomplishments, we will shed some light on things that need fixed and share the blessings we have received that others may not know about. It is our honor to be a part of the symposium.

Hijacked by PTSD

2010-03-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

Today, Allen had an appointment with his psychologist. We started out discussing his day as he had trouble even walking into the doctor's office. I told his doctor that his symptoms were elevated today. Our discussion continued about things that were bothering him and some possible reasons that he was having a difficult morning. Usually, I am in the beginning of the conversations filling in how the week has been from my perspective, but then it moves on to be just between the doctor and my husband and I become a spectator. The things I have learned about the terrors he has witnessed through his service to this great country are unbelievable, but I am thankful to have a husband that is willing to share so much of his own experiences.

Today, they focused on some triggers and whether or not my Allen has any awareness, or warning from his body, that something is about to happen. His complex part of his PTSD, is that he completely dissociates and at times, it is a challenge to bring him back to the present. (This is part of the reason for the 24 hour care.) He mentioned a few things that have warned him at different times but at the present, he has no warning. Something happens and he is gone, checked out. The counselor called this being hijacked. His mind is being hijacked by the PTSD. His body stays, but his mind goes.

Neither of us had ever thought of it that way, and we think it is a great analogy. My husband went on to say that one of his biggest frustrations is that people think that his symptoms are either made up or controllable. He expressed how much it hurts him that people think it is something he can control. Do people really think that he would do these things if he could help it? Planes get hijacked, but is it the pilot or flight attendant's fault that it was hijacked? Absolutely not. No one would ever blame them for the fate of the plane and passengers in this situation. It is the same way for my husband. No one should blame him or think less of him, because his mind frequently gets hijacked by his PTSD!!

I decided to share this today because more of us need to speak out. How can we ever expect things to change in our society, if we don't begin educating others and sharing our stories with our elected officials. They can't change things they do not know about. So, I encourage you to share something with someone today. Start small and see where that takes you!

Even Now.....Gina

I'm just ME!!

2010-03-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

As a caregiver, I struggle regularly to know where my husband ends and I begin. It is easy for me to talk about his injury, his story, how he is doing. However, it is really hard to talk about me, to stop and evaluate how I am doing. Between being a full time caregiver, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend; my life is quite full of what everyone else is doing. Lately, I've been trying to do just a little bit for me!

Whenever I come into contact with anyone who knows me and my family, the first question is usually about how Allen is doing. I am totally good with that because I know how to answer that question, usually! (Sometimes this gets a little tricky because physically he looks okay most of the time, at least to acquaintances.) The other day though, someone asked about me. It somewhat caught me off guard, and actually left me a little speechless. I had to stop and think a minute, because I just am not used to thinking about me.

So, this really has me thinking. Who am I and what do I even like to do? If I could work, what would I want to do? Would I want to go back to teaching? Do I still have any passion left for that? It's what I always wanted to do and I loved it while I did it. But, do I see myself in that role ever again? It is something I need to be deciding because my teaching certificate won't stay current forever and it is quite costly to take the classes to keep it up.

I often think and sometimes share how Allen has changed since his injury. Rarely do I think about how I've changed in this same time. Whoa, have I changed?! I used to be pretty shy and very reserved, especially in new situations. Not anymore. I've always hated confrontations and conflict, (at least with everyone outside of my close family,) but I've learned that there is a place and way to get things done, and sometimes it takes some conflict and confrontations. I'm much more confident in myself and am not afraid to speak out for what I believe is right. I have a huge fear of public speaking, but have been about as public as can be in several situations and have actually handled it pretty well!! I've willingly agreed to speak to groups about our story! I'm also much more independent. I have a confidence and efficiency about myself that I have never had before and it is exciting to me. I have gained an understanding that life happens and there are certain things that just aren't worth getting upset about. I've learned that I can do just about anything I set my mind to! Most importantly, I've learned that I'm just me and I am human!

All of this self evaluation has led me to ask, what is my passion? I definitely have a passion for wounded warriors, their families, and mental health. There is a great need in our country for advocacy for all of these groups and I can see my passion for them all. I've also realized that we have to start speaking out and sharing our stories that include our struggles, or nothing is ever going to change. We can't expect the people with the power, our elected officials, to make these changes if we keep quiet. They will not know what we need if we do not tell them!

While I still have a lot to rediscover about myself, I think I am beginning to take care of me a little bit, while still taking care of the rest of my family. This semester I am taking a digital photography class just because it is something I'm interested in. One of my friends and I, who is also a caregiver for her wounded warrior, have agreed to talk on the phone every Friday. During this particular phone call we are not allowed to talk about our husbands, rather we have to talk about ourselves!! I also bought a treadmill this week as I have a hard time being able to leave the house many days!!

Traveling this road to recovery will most likely continue to bring change for both me and my husband. I hope that I can continue to embrace this change and take the time to stop and evaluate every so often so that I don't lose track of where my husband ends and I begin!! After all, I'm just me!!!

Even Now........Gina

Stumbling Upon Puppies Behind Bars

2010-03-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

Many, many counseling sessions throughout this journey have been spent on accepting that our military life is most likely going to end sooner rather than later. Allen has been in the military one way or another, either active duty or guard, since he was 17 years old. The military has been one of the most stable things in his entire adult life. The mere idea of him not having this is something that brings great stress and anxiety into his life. In order to deal with this reality, we have tried to come up with different ideas of things he could do with his new life, to still be a productive part of society. Let me repeat, many hours of counseling have been spent on this very topic!!

One such session, the idea of dog training was brought up. Allen loves dogs and that thought perked some interest in him. So, I had the homework of trying to research and come up with some possible solutions. I had heard about a program that took purple heart recipients, trained them to be dog trainers, used them to train dogs for other physically wounded vets. The problem is I couldn't remember the name of the program!! (I now know that it is Paws for Purple Hearts.) So, while trying to search for this program I happened upon a program called Puppies Behind Bars. A whole new idea began to form in my little head!!

Puppies Behind Bars, www.puppiesbehindbars.org is a program that utilizes inmates to train puppies to become service dogs for veteran's suffering from invisible wounds, as well as canine detection dogs. I became obsessed with the PBB site! I devoured every corner of it! I couldn't get enough. Their program for veteran's is called the Dog Tags Program. This wonderful program trains service dogs and places them with wounded warriors suffering from PTSD and/or TBI. I was hooked!!

After I had learned as much as I could, I shared what I had found with Allen. He was instantly interested, although, he rarely shows much emotion for anything. With his permission, I took the next step and made the call. I spoke with Kate at length about their program and the possibilities it could mean for our family. I was in tears several times, just because of the hope this organization gave me! Our next step was to fill out the application.

The application was not easy, especially for someone with concentration, memory, and motivation difficulties. It required a lot of personal information as well as personal referrals, doctor referrals, and I don't remember what else! But, I was convinced this could be life changing for him and our family. (Because everything that affects the wounded, also affects the entire family. So many forget the family part!) We finally got everything ready and submitted sometime in October 2008.

If Allen was accepted, we would both have to go train with the dog for 2 weeks. Since he was still active duty (med hold status), we would have to get this approved with his command. It wasn't very long and we got the phone call that he was approved! We were both so excited! This news actually brought out the most emotion I had seen in Allen in a long time, probably since his injury! I knew that great things were to come. Sometime in early December we were asked if we could travel to Colorado for the training for the second and third weeks in January. We immediately jumped through all the hoops of getting it approved through command and thought we were on our way. About a week later, the military informed us that the same day we were supposed to be going to train with his dog, instead we now had to report for his MEB and there was no changing it. We were both devastated and were very concerned that this could cost him his dog. Thankfully, PBB ended up pushing the training back 2 weeks so that we could still make it. This also meant we were going to be away from our kids for an entire month!

From the time we found out that we were, without a doubt, going to be able to go, the time couldn't have went more slow! It was fun though. It was exciting to see how Allen was changing before ever even getting his dog. He became more engaged, more animated, and more involved in everything. I finally had some hope!! I used to tease him that he acted like we were expecting a baby, not a dog!!

So, stumbling upon Puppies Behind Bars totally changed our life. However, we still have yet to deal with finding something he can do with his time to be a productive part of society again. Currently, we are quickly approaching his retirement date of May 24, 2010 and have yet to figure out what retirement is going to look like! Someday I hope we figure it out!!

Even Now........Gina

Sleepy Tears

2010-03-09T10:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I take the time to just stop and really look at my husband, it makes me really sad. I have accepted the fact that he is different than he was and that he will never go back to the way he used to be. I've made peace with this and I still love him. The part that makes me sad is the terror and horror that he lives with everyday.

Because of the severity of his PTSD and his dissociation, he is unable to drive. Therefore I drive him to all of his appointments and everywhere else he needs to go. I go into all of his appointments with him at his insistence. Regularly I offer to stay outside or tell him that I have errands to run when he goes to see his counselor, just to give him the chance to speak his mind without having to worry about me and my feelings. With this being said, I have been in the majority of his sessions over the last 2 1/2 years. He has become very dependent on me. Needless to say, I've heard a lot about what he has witnessed, taken part in, and been required to do during his service to our great nation.

The things he has to live with are enough to make anyone insane. In all actuality, he deals with those things better than anyone could expect, if they knew the things he has seen. This is where my sadness comes in. When he sleeps, he often has steady streams of tears running down his face and I know he is reliving one of the many horrific things he experienced during his time in Iraq. He also talks in his sleep a lot, which also tells me even in his sleep, he has no escape from the burden he bears.

While my road as his spouse is rarely easy, I gladly carry that burden for him, so that he has a little bit of peace on his road of recovery. I love him with all my heart and pray that someday he too will be able to make peace with all that war has brought him.

Even Now..........Gina

Changing Voice

2010-03-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

June 2008, 6 months after Allen's injury, he went in to have surgery to help his sleep apnea. They ended up taking out his tonsils, uvula, as well as sinus surgery and repairing a deviated septum. The ENT was confident that this would fix his sleep apnea. Allen was excited to have his tonsils out because they were huge and were always getting stuff stuck in them.

The reason I write about this out patient surgery is that it ended up affecting me a great deal emotionally. I never thought this this fairly simple surgery would have such a profound effect on me! I knew it was going to be rough for him, as a tonsillectomy at age 40 is extremely painful for anyone! However, I was shocked by the feelings that bombarded me after surgery.

You see, the one thing that had not changed in my husband since his injury was his voice. Every other part of him was different. He even looked different due to a large weight gain from medication he was put on to help control his seizures and others for his PTSD. At first, I thought that eventually his voice would return to normal, but it never did. I guess it had such an impact on me because that was the one piece of him I clung to, in a way. It was a part of him that made me know that when everything else was different, at least I could still listen to his voice and know that he was in there. I felt rather silly, but I think I actually mourned this loss to some degree. I had to let it go and know that everything would be alright, even if the last thing that hadn't changed, had finally changed too.

Today I realize that this surgery was life changing for me. I no longer could count on listening to his voice when things were rough to draw comfort and strength from that part of him. Now I have come to accept that really this was just a metaphor for life. Nothing ever stays the same forever, but we have to accept change and keep moving forward!

Even Now..........Gina